Yesterday, May 20,2013, Emma received complete and total healing as she flew straight into the arms of Jesus.
My earthly, motherly heart cannot comprehend the depths of despair that her mom is feeling.
My soul bursts with grief and mourning for this family.
In my present condition~human,fleshly, selfish and needy~all that I know is I have all 4 of my children here with me but my friend is feeling the ache of empty arms for not one, but now two precious daughters. I weep.
It was 16 years ago that we first found out that Michelle was carrying another precious bundle after only a few months earlier experiencing the devastating premature delivery of Claire. I sat in that mournful sanctuary on that day in October 1996 and saw that tiny casket and wondered how God could possibly redeem this. And yet, He did. Were it not for that horrible loss, Emma would not have been conceived under impossible circumstances.
I visited Michelle in hospital that summer. Bed rest for months while summer heat and life continued outside those walls. We laughed as she shifted in her bed, unable to get up at all for fear of losing this precious life. There were a few times when it seemed like maybe the odds were stacked against her. We prayed. We hoped. We rallied around this young family. And when the first anniversary passed of baby Claire’s passing and the due date drew near, there was that tension of grief and anticipation. How does a mother both mourn the loss of one baby and rejoice at the life within her? A sacrifice of one for another? I was a young mother too and I always marveled at her ability to remain steadfast in grace and hope and the victory of each day. Perhaps that is why, on October 17, 1997 when that baby screamed out her first cries it was the only word that seemed remotely appropriate: Grace. And so they named her….Emma Grace.
Borrowed from Heaven. Not fair. Not fair at all. Rage and grief. Anger and suffering. Pain and weeping. Why does God only give us a taste and not the whole meal? Why?
Questions.
So few answers.
Thankful for this family to have had 15 and a half years of Grace. But so sad that there aren’t 15 more yet to come.
Today I’m planting flowers. It’s time. It’s warm and I have these empty beds that need to be filled.
And in 3 months all we will have will be the leftovers of what was. We plant knowing that death will come. We make beauty in the moment knowing that it is temporary. It is this temporary season that brings us eternal joy. We give colour and life and beauty to THIS day knowing that hail, storms, pests, drought could wipe it all out in the blink of an eye. We plant in hope. We plant for a season. We know that winter will come again and steal it all away.
And yet, I love to feel the earth and let God use me to bring a little beauty to my neighbourhood for such a short time.
That is what the Stewarts have done. They have allowed God to use them to show us some beauty for a little while. They partnered with the Heavenly Gardner to sow a seed that became a flower that grew and then wilted and fell back into the earth.
We grieve. We mourn. We plant. We water. We cry. We pray. We hope. We live. We wilt and then we die. And so for today…let us live and be beautiful wherever we are planted.
This is the rhythm of sowing and reaping. This is the song of grief and mourning.
Zach died yesterday too. He is teaching a lot of people about living in this moment.
I wrote a long post about Mother’s Day and then I deleted it. I don’t need to write a post about Mother’s Day. There are so many GREAT posts out there. So I’m going to share. I hope you will take the time to read all or some of these. Especially if you are in church ministry or in charge of any type of Mother’s Day planning~these are must read.
The important thing to remember is this: Mom’s don’t want fancy earrings and huge bouquets. We don’t want our family in debt for one day. We want happy, healthy loving families around us. We want to laugh and share and eat and nap. We love those handprint cards and the homemade coupons. We get excited for burnt toast in bed and sticky fingers on our Sunday dresses. We love to see our children thrive and live and love. That’s all we really want for Mother’s Day. That’s all I want for all my friends.
And to those of my family and friends whose mom is gone~I mourn with you. I share your tears. I miss your moms too.
To those of my friends and family who cannot or have not yet had children, I thank you for the sacrifice that you made in order to mother and mentor me and my children. It has not gone unnoticed and I love you for it.
To all of you for whom Mother’s Day is a sad and lonely time, I send my love and warm hugs to you …..read this:
This book could not have landed in my mailbox on a better week than this! Mother’s Day is fast approaching and I can almost guarantee that this is THE go-to gift this year. Let me tell you why.
First of all, I’m going to change up how I review books. I would like to break my posts into three sections:
The Bones(the physical appearance and structure of the book)
The Flesh( the content and meaty portions)
The Soul( this is the part where I give you my honest opinion)
The Bones:
I have never owned a MGCC book before so I wasn’t sure what all the fuss is about. After all, they have a website(it’s fabulous) and who really needs another cookbook in their collection? Well, this is somewhat different than a cookbook. It is about 8 1/2 ” wide by 10 1/4″ tall. It is a hardcover and the photography on the cover is absolutely stunning. The inside is equally as beautiful: full colour photos, 2 page layouts, step by step instructions all meticulously chosen for their inviting warmth.
I love how this is a book about celebrating ALL of the seasons of life. Whether it is a Christmas family dinner or camping around a fire, there are recipes and ideas for how to make each occasion simple yet special. But I digress:
Broken into “Celebratory” sections like Celebrating Birth, Family, Community, Hospitality, Milestones and more, there are recipes for every occasion.
The final sections of the book focus on Gluten-Free Cooking, Hosting tips and a thorough index. There is even a nice little biography about each of the contributors in the MGCC group.
Each recipe is very clear and easy to follow and the book opens nicely to allow you to read while you work. Photos are so important to me and this book has TONS!
The Flesh:
I touched on this above a bit, but the recipes are definitely the star of the show in this book. And you may wonder who really needs another cookbook? The way this book is broken into life celebrations really adds to the value for me. Who of us doesn’t have a community picnic, potluck, anniversary, holiday or gathering to plan something for? The recipes are so easy to follow and use ingredients you already have on hand or can access easily. This is a major plus for me!
The added bonus in this book is that each section begins with a memory, an essay, an encouragement from one of the authors. Gentle reminders of how gathering around a table is so important in every family and also how we pass these simple traditions on to our children and grandchildren.
The photos are inspiring enough to make this a coffee table book ready to browse, filled with stunning photography and inspiring messages.
I particularly love the personal touches each author adds to her recipes.
You will find recipes from Taco in a Bag for the hiking trail to Chocolate Sheet Cake to Gluten Free Baked Rice Pudding. This book has it all!
The Soul:
With online sources like Pinterest and All Recipes it might be easy to ignore another cookbook on the shelf that may or may not ever get used. I certainly feel that way about my recipe book cover. But this book will make you put down your smartphone or tablet, walk away from your computer and sit with a solid, beautiful book in your hands and be inspired. It truly is one of the most beautiful books I’ve ever seen in the ‘cookbook’ category. Useful for empty-nesters and new brides-to-be, oozing with encouragement and wisdom and inspiring enough to make even the most timid cook want to try something new. Soul-full with just the right amount of faith-induced messages of comfort and hope for your journey, whatever that may be.
And if that isn’t enough of a reason to buy this book, the royalties from the sale of this book will go to provide safe,clean drinking water in Africa. These women embody what it means to give and be hospitable, celebrating all things around the table!
You might still have time to order one from Amazon and have it arrive for Mother’s Day. The price is worth it~you won’t be disappointed! (hint, hint, family reading this) .
“Book has been provided courtesy of MennoMedia and Graf-Martin Communications, Inc.
Available at your favourite bookseller from Herald Press, a publishing imprint of MennoMedia”.
This week my baby turns 13 one day and the day after that my husband and I will celebrate 21years of marital….ummm….marital peace. I can’t really say bliss because there have been a lot of moments full of non-bliss. We love each other more today than we did then and we respect each other on a whole new level. But we still argue and fight and disagree. And we’ve both learned to wait for the other through the dark times. Waiting.
Every mother will tell you that the character building trait of note is patience. She will also be the first to tell you that it is the thing most fleeting; the most elusive of all motherly traits.
We spend our lives waiting and learning how to do it well. And also learning how to maximize or completely waste the wait.
Waiting.
I have waited to be born and to give birth.
I have waited to go to school and to finish school.
I have waited to find love and to give love.
I have waited for good news and I have waited for bad news.
I have waited to be considered and to be valued.
I have waited in darkness and in light.
I have waited in anticipation and in dread.
Waiting has changed me and it has burdened me.
Waiting is so hard to do but one of the few things that brings the greatest rewards.
When you were a baby, you made your parents wait for you. Either in the process of conception, birth or firsts of many kinds.
You waited to be fed, burped, changed and loved.
As you grew you waited to learn, to read, to count, to write. You waited for brothers and sisters, for mom and for dad. You waited to go to school and to ride a bike. You waited for something every single day. And while you were waiting you were bored, lonely, scared, frustrated and maybe even angry. But you always waited with expectation.
We wait because we know that something is going to happen. And we know it will either be worth the wait or it will be dreaded and reviled but it will happen nonetheless.
Small children would seem to be the worst at waiting. But I would suggest that they actually wait well and have something to teach us all.
Consider this: A preschooler wants to eat but supper isn’t ready. You tell him to wait and although he may protest, he goes and finds something to do while he waits. Distraction.
A baby is hungry. What do you do? You shake the rattle, stuff the soother in her mouth, rock her, play peek-a-boo. Distraction.
A 6 year old is waiting for Daddy to come home. He asks every 15 seconds when the blessed event will happen. He pulls on your shirt. He whines and complains. None of that sounds like patient waiting but you give him a puzzle, a game, a coloring book. You get him to help you with supper. He is now….DISTRACTED.
Distraction doesn’t mean you forget what you’re waiting for. Distraction is simply the art of waiting well. If you’re going to wait, be productive. Get something done. Occupy your mind.
Isn’t it interesting how adults dread waiting but young children only wait for the good stuff?
Really. Let me rephrase that. Children don’t wait for bad news or negative outcomes. They don’t wait to be spanked or disciplined. They don’t anticipate the bad. They only wait for the good. When was the last time a child waited to be held back, pushed aside, disappointed or ashamed? Never. Children don’t wait for the negative. They only wait in anticipation for a reward. They wait for the HOPE of what is to come. Even if it never does, they still wait in baited wonder for what lies ahead.
Somewhere in the teen years we fail to wait in wonder. We miss out on the art of distraction~the preoccupation of anticipation is something we find juvenile and elementary so we trade it for fast-food, empty, hollow instant gratification that only satisfies for a little while. What would happen if we made ourselves wait in wonder?
Perhaps this is one of the failures of our generation. The lack of waiting.
My kids are growing up faster than I can blink. My baby will be 13 this week and now that thing we’ve been talking about for more than a decade is happening: Four kids~all teens….at the same time. 13-18. That might make some run screaming for the hills;Some days I cry because we’re done waiting for the growing up~it’s here. We talk a lot about boys(3 daughters will do that to you) . We talk a lot about the future and what our family might look like in 5 or 10 years. We anticipate weddings and babies and gatherings. It’s a fun time. But for now we’re all just waiting. And that’s just fine with me.
I remember being 17 and wondering when I would find someone to share my life with. I know. 17. Whatever. And yet, that’s what happens. We dream and create a fantasy of what we think we want and what we wish we had. We get impatient. We CAN. NOT. WAIT. Well, that’s what I thought anyway. But I did wait. I finished school, got a job, made some new friends, bought a car, got involved in church ministry, continued to live my life. I am not saying I waited well. In fact those who know me from that time might say I was completely in love with being in love. It’s kind of pathetic thinking back on that now. The obsession to be in a relationship is a very real ((problem)) for millions of teens every single day in this country. They walk around with their heads in the clouds and tripping over the daily grind. I used to buy brides magazines. Today, my 14 year old is Pinning a wedding board on Pinterest. I know~don’t even get me started.
But this is how we wait. We are like the preschooler who can’t have a snack yet~we want it now and we’re miserable but we can be distracted fairly easily. And that’s okay. As long as we keep waiting.
The lessons we learned at 3 and 6 and 10 are all worthy of remembering when we’re 15 and 17 and 21. Waiting means something good is going to happen. The longer we wait , the better the reward. You don’t enjoy the cookie that you can have right now as much as you enjoy the cookie that you’ve had to wait in anticipation for over the course of hours or days. You don’t savour the chocolate bar that is at your fingertips in the store nearly as much as the cheesecake you bake at home. You never appreciate the job that you get on the spot as much as the one you wait for , research, apply 3 times for.
Waiting makes you appreciate the process.
Waiting teaches you the value of what you have and what you’ll get.
Waiting also teaches you that life will often make you wait again.
Perhaps you’re waiting to find that special someone. Maybe you’ve been waiting a very long time~years, decades.
For every married man or woman who has had to wait months or even years to be intimate with their spouse~maybe because of illness, relationship struggles, the mundane trudging of raising kids and going to work or any other unforeseen adventure~waiting is something you HAVE to do in marriage. You will wait for your spouse to feel good. You will wait for them to want you. You will wait to be loved. You will wait to be touched. YOU. WILL. WAIT. Waiting is at the top of the 3 most important things you will ever do in your marriage along with commit and compromise.
So, teenagers and young people who are waiting. Waiting and hoping. Dreaming and waiting. Waiting and floundering~ continue to wait. Distract yourself if you must. Work, laugh, eat, socialize, make friends, go places, do things, be scared, cry, fidget, waste money, save money, engage yourself in wonder and wait. DON’T give in to the expectation that the world has laid out for you: jumping from one relationship to another, never waiting for something special, ditching one relationship because you’re bored and rushing into the next, sleeping with any or all of your prospects only to find that none of them will be there for the long haul….
If you want to be the very best spouse; if you want to have the very best love~wait for it. And while you wait , remember what it’s like to anticipate because those who wait well appreciate what they’ve waited for, far more than those who have never had to wait at all.
On Sunday night I had a moment where I thought, “maybe it’s just better to shut up and fade off into the sunset.” It was a moment.
I knew this would be hard~ speaking out and speaking up. And I also know that it’s harder on my husband than it is on me. He has his entire life history wrapped up in a ball of lies and abuse and for him, it would be easier to roll over and continue playing the game.
But we have children and they’re not naive or exempt from seeing and feeling the repercussions of a family that chooses to intimidate and threaten instead of love and accept. So for them, we must speak up. And not only for them, but for the ones who cannot speak or who are too afraid to speak.
You cannot silence me. And you will not silence the truth.
Yesterday, as I was praying about what to say, how to respond and if it was even worth it, I asked the Lord to speak to me and let me know if it’s okay that I am even speaking out at all. And then this happened……
On Ann Voskamp’s Facebook wall she posted a link to her latest blog. Her status said this “This is for you.” And the beginning of the text of her post read: “Dear Thriver”
I stopped and paid attention. You see, my ONEWORD for 2013 is Thrive. And Ann doesn’t know that, but God does. I don’t want to just live this year. I don’t want to just survive. I.WANT. TO. THRIVE.
And typically, Ann’s posts are encouraging in the most meek way. She rarely posts controversy or something aggressive in nature. But this post was a call on me and it was a call out to the enablers and the silencers. You must read it here>>> Letters to the Wounded {#2}
Can I just whisper? I know you must feel like people have wanted you to go away. Sweep your scars under the proverbial rug. Erase you, avoid you, silence you.
Because it’s too uncomfortable for us, the neighbors, the church, the Body, to face our own culpability in scars. Face our own fallen disfigurement. Pollyanna wasn’t the only one who wore rose-colored glasses. Few like to admit that we come from a long line of Roman soldiers. And when it comes to the bloodied and wounded, we suddenly all lose our thin, bare necks and become turtles, shirk back into our see-nothing shells. We don’t want to know details or listen to wounds weep or wade into the bloody mess. Christ is the Truth but too many of His people run from that.
If Christ is The Truth — then where there isn’t Truth, there isn’t Christ. Why ever be afraid of the Truth?You only need fear the Truth of anything — if you think Christ isn’t capable of redeeming everything.
If we believe in the sovereign grace of God, the redemptive restoration of God — then we are never afraid of the Truth.
And maybe our deafening silence is just this: Truth necessitates confrontation — and a whole lot of us are more chicken than Christian. We’d rather save our own skin, than the skin of the bruised and battered and beaten. We’re more in love with self-preservation than with Savior-glorification.
We’d rather make pain invisible than say injustice is intolerable — so the injustice continues.
So,to the one who has been reading my blog~you know who you are~ and then reporting back your version to your pack of wolves, understand this: you will not silence me. You will not threaten me or any other person in the family. If you choose to believe lies and hide behind them, you will live in that place alone. By defending abuse and condemning victims , you have become the abuser.
I’m calling on all who are defending abusers to lay down your pride and stand up for truth and justice.
Yesterday, I posted about the family bully. The guy that everyone is afraid of but no one dares stand up to. He’s the one who the rest of the family thinks is just a jerk but they don’t have to live with him or see him at his worst or feel his wrath.
You see, the family bully is often the one with the Bible in his hands on Sunday morning and before family meals. He talks big, prays bigger and uses the Word to defend himself. He looks good in public and makes sure his family looks good too. Appearance and public perception are the most important things to him. In fact, how he looks to others is all he cares about. If he cared about how he looked to his family, he’d probably be less noticeable in public and way more humble. But more often than not, family bullies are very easy to spot: they’re the first one to sign up for church boards and committees, they’re first to take the mic at receptions and funerals, they have the loudest laughs and the biggest stories to tell and they’re always right. Did you hear that? They’re ALWAYS right. You can’t tell a bully anything because they know it all. They will get into arguments over the silliest things~ how to butter bread, how to tie a shoe, where the best mechanic is, what the name of that tree is…they KNOW. IT. ALL.
Exasperating.
Having been around a few of these characters in my life I will tell you this: forget trying to change them. Their egos and arrogance is what got them this far and it will take a mighty big fall for them to come back down to the reality in which the rest of us live. You can beat your head against a wall in frustration or you can simply roll over and play their game. You nod your head, you shut up, you stay silent and you don’t get into any political, spiritual or deep conversations. You limit your communication to civil, benign, shallow banter of 6 words or less. It’s just best that way.
If you grew up in a family where there was a bully who intimidated and threatened and beat his will into you , you probably at some point thought, “it must be me. I must not be hearing right or doing right.” You have probably done your best to get ahead of any potential problem before the bully gets a hold of you. In one sense, you become proactive instead of reactive. Not a bad trait. That’s what you tell yourself. You protect your abuser and you become a master of prediction. Body language, attitudes, comments~you read them all and you know when to jump and how high. And you are good at it. So, it must have been you. That’s what you think.
But somewhere along the way you lost something. You lost your voice. You lost your rights and freedoms and the pure joy of having an opinion, sharing it and fine-tuning it. And the moment you realize this , is the moment you know~it’s not you. It never was. It’s him.
If you’re in a family situation where a spouse, a partner, a father, mother, brother or sister is hurting you verbally, emotionally or physically and you think it’s you. It’s not. It’s them.
I learned something about love and family a long, long time ago~before I was ever born I knew this because this is God’s way and His spirit within me told me and showed me this:
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
(1 Corinthians 13:4-8)
That’s what real family is. Patient, kind, not boastful, not easily angered and always protecting. Family is LOVE.
To those of you who don’t have to deal with the family bully except for once a year or once every 5 years when there’s a funeral or a wedding, let me tell you something: the family bully is scary and is enabled because you pretend to like him and you put up with his garbage all the time even though you hear and have seen the fallout of his abuse. He continues to do his damage because you let him. He pushes you around too but you laugh it off and walk away. You are privileged. Meanwhile, your niece, nephew, cousin, sister-in-laws or brother have to deal with him all the time. And just once, they’d love it if you took their side and defended them and told the bully off. Just once. If everyone in the family told him off, he might have less power because right now, his power is in knowing that no one will tell what really goes on in his house.
Open your eyes and ears. Abusers are everywhere and you will know them when you see them. Whether you think it’s none of your business or not~make it your business. Silence is the fuel abusive bullies survive on. Silence is what beats wives into submission. Silence is what breaks the jaw of a toddler at the hand of her daddy. Silence is how a man gets away with beating his sons black and blue. Silence kills hearts, souls and bodies.
Determine that you will not be silent in the face of a bully’s abusive ways.
This is not an easy post to sit down and type. As I sit here, there is a bit of trembling and trust me, I have paused many times to consider if it’s worth it or not. But I have come to the conclusion that it is, in fact, more than worth the negative fall-out to share my thoughts with you on a subject that few are willing to engage:Bullies in the family.
Setting boundaries with family is a necessary and yet painful part of life. Easy sometimes but more often than not, boundaries are hard to set and even harder to maintain. Especially with family.
I love watching Parenthood on NBC. Oh man, that has got to be one of the best shows on TV. It’s real. It’s gutsy and they tackle everything parents, kids and inlaws have to deal with. Ideally, we might all have parents like Zeek and Camille(wouldn’t THAT be awesome??) who regularly host family dinners, offer wisdom without pressure or arrogance and love unconditionally all of their daughter-in-laws,son-in-laws,grandkids and friends of all of them. They are gracious and tender, funny and annoying, and always engaged. But, sadly, that’s a TV show and not reality for many of us.
Reality for some of us may make your skin crawl. It sure does mine. Some of us have , shall we say: colourful characters in our family trees. Now, colour can be a good thing. It can actually be great! But when the colour turns grey or black and sheds a cloud on every gathering, then I’d rather turn in my crayons for a one-way ticket outta Dodge.
In some families, there are bullies. And they’re not just pick on you because you’re the youngest or the shortest or have the worst mullet kind of bullies. No, there are actual family bullies who pick physical fights with their own kin, steal, threaten, belittle, judge, gossip about and undermine for years and years and years. And worse yet, there are abusive bullies. Verbal, emotional, physical and even sexual.
Oh Lord….I pray for the poor children and wives and husbands and grandkids who are being abused right now. Give them strength to leave. Help them to stand up and say “no more!” Bring them to a safe place physically and emotionally and protect them from any further pain…..amen.
I just needed to do that…because, I’ve been there. I’ve seen things and they’re so wrong. And at one time I was too shy and too young and too naive to believe that there were evil people in families. I have been blessed in my own family. I have been safe and loved and always cared for and it is unfathomable to me that many of my dearest friends and closest loved ones have endured horrible things at the hands of the very ones who should be loving and protecting them.
The sad thing is, in families especially, when boundaries are broken and lines are crossed there seems to be a collective disregard for reality. It is sometimes easier to ignore the truth and trade it for the familiar. And then, we all become enablers. And bullies survive and thrive for years because of their enablers. If you don’t say anything. If you don’t stop them. If you don’t speak up and say “no” or “enough”…the bullies are empowered.
Especially when children are involved, setting boundaries with family members to protect your children from being compromised or hurt is crucial.
Boundaries with children should include(but are not limited to): not being forced to hug or kiss an extended family member JUST because they’re family. I cannot tell you how gross and uncomfortable it is when an older man in a family forces himself on children because he feels he has a right to them by blood relation. If a little kid doesn’t want to hug an auntie or uncle or grandma or grandpa, then they never should be forced to.
Teaching our kids to respect older family members is great but expecting them to love and giggle, tickle and wrestle with someone they’ve rarely seen is silly. Every kid will respond differently but no child should ever be forced to show affection for an adult they barely know.
Recently my husband and I had to make a stand that was 20 years in the making. Long overdue but I guess we somehow thought things had changed or might change. The reality is: we were duped.
For many years we awkwardly forced ourselves to endure visits and unknowingly placed our children into an uncomfortable situation too many times. Gut instincts? Oh , they were there. But you know, when it’s family you talk yourself out of listening to your instincts. That is SO WRONG. God gave us radar as moms, dads, men and women to know when something isn’t right. And although I knew it, my husband did not and so I trusted that everything would be okay. It wasn’t.
Do you know that I don’t have one single memory that is good of going to my inlaws’ ? Sad. Christmases, summers, weekends, holidays~ so many missed opportunities to build lasting memories for our children. And all we have to show for it is a wake of destruction marked by deception, lies, gossiping, verbal confrontations, inappropriate physical contact between adults and children and witnessing the destruction of marriages and homes. You fool yourself. You want it to change and you hope and pray and expect that it will. And it never does.
And finally, one day, my patience and my naivety disappeared and that was the day my husband was struck by his own dad. He was abused as a boy and a teenager. But not since leaving home had his dad ever raised a hand to him~ until this past November. And the bully who always was there, reared his ugly head. My husband could have retaliated. And he could have submitted. Both were the expected outcomes as that’s how this family has operated for decades. But he did neither. Instead, he defended me and his children. He walked away and he said “no more” . Enough is enough.
Some bullies will always be bullies.
Even if they’re your family~if they abuse you verbally or emotionally or hold something over you as a threat to make you submit ~they are bullies. Small, pathetic bullies.
And the defenders~the enablers~ they’re bullies too.
If you don’t stop it, you’re just as bad.
Our family took a stand. We’ve lost a family we never really had. But my husband lost the only family he ever knew. All because the bully wants to win. The bully wants to feel strong and fierce.
The bully rarely apologizes. We wait. It might take a long time and it might never happen. The healing has only just begun for us but for the bullies, what do they have? Winning? Dominance? Threats? Violence? These are their constant companions and they have likely already moved on to their next victims~because that’s what bullies do.
You may think that an abusive person is not a bully or a bully isn’t an abuser. But they are one in the same. Bullies abuse others for power. It’s all about control. And yes, maybe the bully was himself bullied….or abused. But that is no excuse to continue the cycle. And there is simply no excuse for defending a bully or protecting them. The bullies become powerless when they are called out and forced to face what they have done.
Today is Pink Shirt Day. Wear a pink shirt in support of the movement to be kinder to one another and stop bullying once and for all.
Babies,babies, babies!!! Listen people, I’m past the point of no return when it comes to having babies but oh my, all of these people having babies are making me nostalgic for my sweet little bundles.
I willingly admit, I am a lover of babies. I love their smell. I love how their heavy heads fall over the crook of my arm when they’re passed out from breast milk overdose. I love how they giggle and coo and I love that you can hold them and they can’t run away! OH give me a baby to hold!
Nieces and nephews and friends and all manner of people are having babies!
My last baby~she had a rough start. My nursing time was spent watching too many monitors.
I was thinking a while ago about starting a mommy and baby blog and it’s something I’m considering again. Not because I’m a know it all but because there are a lot of moms who aren’t learning to trust their most precious resource: their instinct. Your mommy-gut is your best friend and you should always trust it. I read a quote earlier today that said,
” Doubt your doubts before you doubt yourself.”
This should be the mantra for all new moms! We are so hard on ourselves! We doubt the questions and the worries but we never should. We are moms and we know our babies better than any nurse or doctor or well-meaning friend.
I had 4 babies, all by c-section. I didn’t sleep through the night for 7 years. I nursed, bottle fed, gave pablum at 10 days to one , made my own formula for one, couldn’t stop nursing one, suffered mastitis, post-op infections, a baby in NICU and a few other common new-mom crises. Yep, I think I’ve earned some stripes of honor….or maybe that’s what all those stretch marks are for. Whatever the case, I’ve seen it, done it , been there. So what would a mommy and baby blog look like? You tell me. What are your questions and concerns. What are those things you wish someone would have told you? (We all have a truck load of those, don’t we?) I’m also thinking of inviting some guest posts from current moms in the thick of it. Let’s face it, times have changed and I may be a little rusty on what’s acceptable(whatever) and what the current issues are. And I know I have forgotten how tired “MOM-tired” is. No one knows Mom-Tired until they’ve been a mom.
No glamorous shots for this mom~meeting my firstborn for the first time more than 2 hours after he was born. Surreal. And oh, so young.
I love hardcover books. Somehow, when a book is in hardcover with a beautiful dust cover it just feels special. It feels important and worthy of cherishing. That’s this book. A beautifully put together book; thoughtful in content and layout, eloquent and detailed.
Jimmy Evans shares stories. Stories of marriages that nearly failed, including his own. Marriages that have triumphed. Marriages that were heading down the wrong tracks. And all of these stories are linked by the grace of God and a common commitment to do better and to have passionate marriages that last.
The title’s tag line says “How to have a Passionate and Deeply Rewarding Marriage” . This is not a short read or a quick fix. This is a book for the journey of life. I would suggest working through this book as a couple as there are many scripture references and talking points. There are also questions in a study guide at the back which would make it appropriate for a small group discussion.
If you are at your wits end. If you are worried you’ve made a mistake or if you feel like giving up, this book will steer you back on track.
“We gave up. At some point in time, we both realize that we simply could no longer make it on our won. We finally came to grips with the reality that we were completely incapable of putting our marriage back together again~at least on our own power~so we gave up trying. We put down our weapons and raised the white flag. We surrendered.”~p.34
“We start remembering what it was that first brought us together, and those giddy feelings we felt the first time we met start to resurface. We find ourselves falling love all over again……and that’s not all God does.” ~p53
Most men have four basic needs that they want met by a marriage partner: (from page109)
1.They need to feel honored and respected by their wives.
2.They need sexual intimacy.
3.They need friendship~a wife who enjoys doing fun things together.
4.They need domestic support~a wife who takes care of the home.
The final chapters in the book discuss covenant and what that means. Why is the Biblical version of marriage so special? And what steps to restoration do you need to take in order to achieve that love that lasts?
Truly a lovely book and well written. This would be a great gift for a newly engaged couple , wedding gift or anniversary gift. The kind of thing appropriate for gift giving as we come up to Valentine’s Day in the next couple weeks!
“Book has been provided courtesy of Baker Publishing Group and Graf-Martin Communications, Inc. Available at your favourite bookseller from Baker Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group”.
I read three books on men and marriage in the last 2 weeks. It’s kind of hard not to compare them to each other. I’m one of these women that will read everything and anything on marriage because I want mine to be better. I am not satisfied with where we’re at in our marriage and I don’t think any person ever is. It’s always growing, always changing and always challenging.
That’s why this title intrigued me. Who doesn’t want the marriage of their dreams? The tag line on the front cover says ” A Woman’s Guide to Understanding Her Man” which piqued my curiosity too! However, I had just finished reading What Your Husband Isn’t Telling You which I thought was the most concise, complete commentary on men I had ever read. Certainly there isn’t more, is there?
Rick Johnson is a bestselling author of That’s My Son; That’s My Teenage Son; That’s My Girl; Better Dads, Stronger Sons; and Becoming Your Spouse’s Better Half. He is the founder of Better Dads and is a sought-after speaker.
The synopsis of the book(as written on the back cover) :
The marriage of your dreams may be closer than you think
It may surprise you to find that men are fairly simple creatures with fairly simple needs. Understanding and responding to his needs is a positive step that can help him realize and fulfillyour needs. And when both of you meet each other’s needs, your marriage becomes stronger–and a lot more fun.
Relationship expert (and fairly simple creature himself) Rick Johnson gives you an open and honest look inside a man’s world. With candor, humor, and insight, Rick shows you how to understand your man, including
his need for respect and admiration
his sexual desires
his communication style
his work
his emotions
his relationship with the “other woman” in his life (his mother)
With Rick’s help, you’ll learn how best to use your considerable influence in his life to have a satisfying and exciting relationship that lasts a lifetime.
First of all, I will say that there were sections and passages of this book that I felt were redundant and repetitive. The point is made and it’s clear and then the author re-states it and re-words it~but it’s still the same point. I found that to happen periodically throughout the book and I figured it might detract from the message. But honestly, the first couple chapters had my attention. Why? Because they jumped into the topic of a man and his relationship with his own mother and his mother-in-law as telling indicators of how he may or may not treat his wife. I found them fascinating. Perhaps because my husband’s relationship with his own mother is somewhat of a mystery to me and yet this was extremely enlightening. For the first two chapters alone, this book is worth the read and worth buying. I think we often underplay how our husbands were raised and how they view their own mother.
“A wise(and healthy) mother realizes that a wife supplanting her role as the most important woman in her son’s life is the natural course of life, and she allows her son to go without clinging to that queen bee status she has held in his life since birth. A mother who won’t willingly relinquish this role frequently resorts to emotional manipulation to control him. She attempts to subtly undermine or sabotage his relationship~all very innocently of course.” ~p.27
The other thing that makes this book stand out is that Rick Johnson uses years of counseling and speaking experiences where he has gathered common questions that women ask. This is actually the foundation of the book and what moves it along. The questions run the gamut from childhood abuse to pornographic use to adulterous affairs to spiritual leadership. Women have questions and we want answers. The author does a great job in pointedly answering these questions and it is a valuable resource.
This book, is kind of like an encyclopedia for women about those things that bug us and threaten our marriages and our relationships with our husbands.
I would recommend this first to mothers of sons(if only just for the first 2 chapters) and then for women planning on getting married soon, those who have been married for a short time and are confused about what is going on and for women who have been married for many years. Even if you think you’ve got your husband figured out, it never hurts to have an outside viewpoint of the influences on our men. And there are many.
“Book has been provided courtesy of Baker Publishing Group and Graf-Martin Communications, Inc.
Available at your favourite bookseller from Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Group”.
On September 20,2012 I posted this about our dear friends in Ontario who were facing the diagnosis of leukemia for their precious Emma Grace.
