Last night I was feeling so sorry for myself and I wrote out this blog post full of lament. I couldn’t publish it then because I was thinking I might be giving myself permission to be in a crappy mood. I posted this thought on Facebook and got a little perspective from a couple of friends:
So here I go with what I wrote:
Days like today I feel pretty pessimistic. I wait every day for the phone to ring and perhaps hear our realtor’s voice on the other end. We haven’t had a showing in months. And every day that goes by is another day of being away from my kids and my husband. Every day is one more reminder of how far we’ve come and still we have no indication of how far we’ll go living like this.
I get excited every once in a while. I pump myself up with some form of optimism thinking this could really be the week things change. But sadly, I am disappointed over and over again. I have refused for a long time to even plan ahead because it just makes it harder but last week I allowed myself to dream a little. Dreaming of a new yard and what kind of space I might have for a garden. Planning how much time it will take to unpack and get settled before the summer and my son’s graduation.
Yep, that was the breaking point. My only son is graduating in 3 months and I have missed out on all of his senior year. I don’t know his friends and I don’t get to see him off to school. He texts me sometimes about food and how much he misses a good home-cooked meal. It breaks my heart. I feel like we’re growing apart. He often doesn’t call for a week or more at a time. My daughter is so lonely too. Sometimes she cries on the phone and I can barely breathe; it just seems so unfair.
I cried out to the Lord this morning. I begged him for some sort of resolution. I asked him to intervene and make this right. Enough is enough. And honestly, I don’t know what His plans are for us. We’re kind of lost. But I know I’d be more lost without Him. When there’s no one else there to listen to me, He is. And no one else is really capable of giving advice more than “there,there , it’ll be okay”. Well, it’s not okay. It hasn’t been okay for a long time.
I have some friends going through difficult situations now too. Sickness, separation from loved ones, trauma and financial strain. You can’t just fix these situations with a word or two. A Bible verse is nice but it doesn’t take away the ache in my heart. I KNOW that God is able but I just don’t understand why He’s not doing something. I’m being honest here. I have doubts. Not that God is real, but that I’m hearing Him or that He isn’t trying to teach me some sort of lesson that might result in more hard times or even worse.
The thought occurred to me last week that we may very well lose everything . We’re down to the bottom of our proverbial barrel. We have nothing more to draw from and selling is the only way to pay off some debts. But with selling taking months longer than we ever anticipated we may run into a default situation. Emotionally, I can’t go on like this much longer and financially, we’re down to one more month before we find ourselves unable to pay certain bills. That makes me sick. We’ve never defaulted; never gone bankrupt. It’s been hard some years but we’ve always managed to get back into the black. This is now 2 years into unstable and uncertain future. And I’m so tired of it.
It all sounds hopeless and futile, doesn’t it? It’s how I feel. But the sun always comes up in the morning and the days pass by without catastrophe. I have to be thankful that through all of this , God is making me into someone who is more sympathetic, less critical and more willing to help those who really are in need.
And the hymns play in my mind:
Farther along we’ll know all about it, farther along we’ll understand why
Cheer up my brother, live in the sunshine; we’ll understand it all by and by
Or this one:
By and by, when the morning comes,
When the saints of God are gathered home,
We’ll tell the story how we’ve overcome,
For we’ll understand it better by and by.
I know that we will understand it someday. But it’s no fun in the process.
I woke up to this today; a little encouragement when life is weighing you down: