What Marriage is For

We, {He and I}, are in the 20th year of practicing marriage.  We practice daily and sometimes we fail miserably. But mostly, we’re getting better. Practice makes perfect and a perfect marriage is only a Heaven’s breath away.

I know that for many of you reading this, marriage isn’t fun or good or even desirable.  I also know that some of you have practiced, failed and given up.  And there are more of you who are trying it again with someone new.  I don’t claim to have the answers but I do know this: when marriage is practiced and learned and done God’s way, it works.  It works because it’s God’s plan.

Anyone can have a relationship.  Anyone can choose to love someone and be intimate with them. Relationships are easy to get and easy to leave. We friend people on Facebook and follow them on Twitter. We e-mail and text and call and write and all of it is great and none of it is special.  Relationships are a dime a dozen, sadly.  There’s nothing wrong with having 100 friends and there’s nothing wrong with only 1.

But marriage; marriage is sacred and holy and reserved seating only.  Marriage is for ONE.

When marriage is right and used to its fullest potential, there is only one and there will only ever be ONE.  That’s what marriage is for.

Regularly I read and hear news of some other state or country or province or group attempting to redefine marriage.  How do we, people, redefine what God himself created? How do we presume to take His most holy earthly relationship and cut it up, serve it out like pie and have everyone partake?  Marriage is not up for grabs. It is not on the market.  It is not entertaining takeover bids.  Marriage is non-negotiable.

And this is not the part where I get on a soapbox and talk about how homosexuals don’t deserve to be married or how polygamists should get their day in court.  Honestly, that is between them and God.  If a man chooses to have 4 wives and another man chooses to have one husband and yet another chooses to never marry but sleep with as many women as he can~none of that is about marriage. All of it is about morality and your relationship with God and your dishonor of His word and His holy matrimony.  To me it is a non-issue that states and governments spend so much time and effort on who should get to be married and who should not. Marriage is God’s.  And people make choices.  And choices are judged…by God, not man.

Marriage is more than rings and gowns.  It is more than bouquets and cake, bowties and bridesmaids.  Marriage is not a paper signed by witnesses or a  one day event we dress up to attend.  Marriage is bigger, deeper, stronger , fuller and richer than I can describe or live.

It is supernatural in its beginnings; that TWO individual people can be joined into ONE FLESH with the heartbeat of God at the very core of its existence. That is miraculous, inexplicable and mind-bending.

It simply cannot be discussed, renewed or lived out without God because He created the capacity for us to be able to live with the same person, only grow in love, for days,months, years and decades.

When the thank-you cards have all been sent and the dishes are dirty in the sink.  When bills pile up and someone needs to work and someone needs to sacrifice ….that’s what marriage is for.

When doctor visits make you cry and babies are born in the snowstorm late at night.  And sitting in that rocking chair all night makes you lose your mind and lose sleep….that’s what marriage is for.

When the dog pees on the carpet and the vacuum is plugged but the kids need food…that’s what marriage is for.

Two heads are better than one and two hearts can tackle a teenager better than one any day of the week. Two hands held tight in the storm make fear take the backseat to faith.

When words fall off the page and you can’t write or think or know what to do next….and he pulls up a chair and holds your hand and looks into your eyes and helps make that mess of words into something beautiful….that’s what marriage is for.

When you can’t stand him because he doesn’t get you and he walks away sad and lonely and defeated…….Marriage scoops  you both up and holds you until the words come out right and the heart is broken and humbly you crawl into each others’ waiting arms and start all over again.  THIS is what marriage is for.

Marriage is the safety net that catches you when you fall from the tightrope you’re on because you think you know what you want and then you fall because you had no  idea why you went out there to begin with.

Anyone can live together and make breakfast and babies.  Anyone can romance you when you’re fit and fertile.  But when pantyhose get replaced with sweatpants and a made up face gets replaced with dark circles and  the bra doesn’t fit like it used to……THAT’s what Marriage is for.

The beauty and the ugliness.  The sicknesses and screaming.  The laughing and the learning.   People give up to soon. Don’t give up.

When you get past the I wants and You shoulds and I wish.  When you learn to stay quiet and love through.  When you have patience and wait. When you give more than you take.  When you laugh more than you cry.  When your crying gets you a shoulder to cry on instead of a list of how to fix it.  When you can’t wait to see him at the end of the day and he wraps his arm around you even though your waist is wider than it was last year.  THIS.

THIS is what Marriage is for.

Day 19~ Words that our kids should know how to use.

Yesterday, I posted about teenagers and dating. There’s so much more I wanted to say and that I could have/should have said. But I’ll leave it for another day.  Regardless of whether you agreed with me or not, you have to concede that it is important to know where you stand on the issues of dating, sex and more of these pressing social issues.  We’re raising the next generation and at the core of our methods in child-rearing and teaching is the fundamentals of our belief system.  Do you ascribe to a Biblical Worldview or a Relative Worldview?  Do you hold up your decisions to the Word of God or do you go with whatever feels good in the moment? This is really important.  You cannot use a scriptural basis for one decision but throw it out for the next.  Consistency is key and if you’re going to say that one thing is wrong, then you have to back it up.  Kids are smart. I think in many ways kids are more socially aware now than ever before.  They may not have all the book smarts of previous generations but they’re perceptive and maturing at a faster rate when it comes to their bodies and the life-issues they face.

It has really bothered me how we have softened our language.  A lot of it has come because of a politically correct worldview that says some words are no longer acceptable or are too harsh.  Really, what it boils down to is people are scared. Scared to say what something is.  Scared to call it out.  Scared that someone might be offended. Scared that they might stir things up.  It never used to be that way.  It used to be that for some things there was only one word.

My mom grew up in a family where English was not the mother-tongue.  They spoke Low German.  And if you’ve ever heard Low German or any other German dialect you will understand that some things are better said in German. Stories are funnier. Phrases have life and vigor that really mean nothing in English.   My dad, I never heard him swear or cuss  until I was a teenager.  We were out feeding chickens and I don’t know how it came up but he said *shit*.  I was shocked. We never used such language. In our house, vulgar language, cursing, swearing..absolutely outlawed and truthfully, they are unnecessary words.   I gasped. My dad laughed and said, “It’s chicken shit.  If it’s shit, call it shit.”   I have NEVER forgotten that.   ***If it’s SHIT, call it SHIT.***  That is a profound statement.  And so, what are we teaching our kids by not giving them the correct terms and appropriate language to call things? We’re buffering them from the harshness in the world. We’re shielding them from a certain truthful reality.  Everything is not soft and politically correct.  Things in this world are messy, dirty and uncomfortable. Issues are hard and painful and awful.  If it’s shit, call it shit.

• We call abortion:   terminating a pregnancy .  It’s really Killing a BABY.
• We call pro-abortionists : Pro Choice(hey, I’m all about choice…I like to choose my cereal, my underwear, my clothes, my drink. I like choosing where to go on holidays.  I’m definitely PRO CHOICE.  But I am NOT Pro Abortion)
• We call Anti-abortionists :  Pro Life.  Here’s the problem~ you can be AGAINST abortion but FOR capital punishment or euthanasia.   How is that PRO LIFE?  I am definitely changing my mind on this one.  I used to be okay with capital punishment for child murders, rapists and the like.  But I can’t anymore. My faith is solidly founded on the word of God which says “Thou Shalt Not Kill”
• Pre-Marital Sex~ sounds harmless enough. In fact , we’ve pretty much downplayed this to a point where it is not that big of a deal and up to each person to choose for themselves(as in Pro Choice).  But in reality, this is FORNICATION.  Sounds Biblical and pretty outrageous.  But it is a sin. It is against God’s laws and it used to be illegal(still is in some countries).
• Affairs~ oh, doesn’t that sound nice? An affair can’t be that bad.  Two consenting adults finding love in each other’s arms….oops, but wait.  That’s adultery.  ADULTERY.  Up until a short time ago it was illegal in North America. In fact, it’s still used as grounds for divorce!
• Sexual Assault~ This one bugs me because I don’t know what it means anymore. We hear on the news about all kinds of assault but you never really know if it was rape.  Yes, RAPE.  It is horrible  and awful and it is not to be downplayed.
• Infanticide~ different than abortion because it happens after birth but not bad enough to be murder.  So, legally you can kill a baby in the womb but not when it comes out.  But if you do kill it when it comes out, you won’t be charged with murder..you’ll get a lesser charge of infanticide because somehow a helpless baby is not as bad as killing an older child or adult.  ????
• Homicide/Manslaughter~ we have a multitude of names for murder.  Murder is murder.  Killing is killing.
• Miscarriage~ we used to call that “losing a baby”. WE can’t say that anymore because it might make someone considering abortion feel bad.  Or it might cause more grief than necessary. After all, miscarrying a fetus isn’t something to cry over…you can always try again.  Ummm..no.  A baby is a baby. A baby that dies in your womb is tragic just as a baby dying in your arms.

I’m sure you could think of more.  But what I wanted to convey is that we have softened our language so much that we have actually made some pretty awful  stuff  ”okay”.  Anything can be justified if you use the right language.  Why is it that so many defense attorneys get guilty people off? Because of wording.  Wording carries weight.  It is one reason why I do not condone swearing.  Swearing minimizes the Name of God to something dirty and ignorant.  Cursing(cussing) or vulgar language degrades women,natural body functions and God’s authority.

How do you handle language in your home? Do you care about what comes out of your mouth or your childrens’ mouths?   Do you teach your children the correct usage of words?  It’s something to think about.

Post-a-day 2011-Tough Love

I’m having a hard time with this post.  I’ve started it several times.  I’ve left it for days and I’m still not sure where to start or where to end.   Originally it was going to be a list of things to change or do better but it rapidly became something else.  So, I’m going to attempt to publish it in whatever current state it is in and then you can be the judge as to whether I succeeded in making a point or not!

Whether you care about making resolutions or not, it’s kind of hard to not get thinking about making changes at this time of year.  You throw out the new calendar and replace it with a crisp new one, no markings and no cluttered notes.   You decide that the Christmas ornaments have to go, you purge your stash of unused and unwanted decorations and anticipate the next season with a simpler, more minimalist goal in mind.   We all do it.

And so, with our lives, our social connections, our families and our bad habits we should also be looking to change what we’ve come to know as “Normal”.    There’s a quote by Barbara Johnson(Christian humourist and author) that says “normal is just a setting on your dryer”.  And isn’t that the truth!! Then why, oh why, do we try to justify our actions and attitudes and deem them as “normal”?   I look around and see what others call normal and cringe.  I really do.  And it becomes more evident if you’re on Facebook or another site like that where you see the comments and “LOLing” that goes along with people’s posts about their lifestyles and antics.   It’s disturbing and it’s time to change.  And yes, this is one of those times when I am pointing the finger at you….and you…and you.  You know who you are and as you read through this I’m hoping that you feel convicted enough to change what your NORM is and swap it for something new, and fresh and a whole lot more God-pleasing and moral than what you’re currently doing.

 

I’m talking about Fornication and Adultery~ wooooo….I can hear the whispers now.

And the first question is likely, “What in the world is fornication?”   Here is the dictionary definition: “voluntary sexual intercourse between two unmarried persons or two persons not married to each other.”

Adultery , of course, is when a person engages in sex with someone other than their spouse.   I guess, technically, adultery only applies if you are married or if the person you’re hooking up with is married.  But both words pertain to sex outside of marriage.

The fact is that we live in a culture where it is acceptable and NORMAL to sleep with someone you are not married to.

I am disturbed, frustrated and truly concerned for my family, my friends and my children who are influenced by this culture of apathy towards marriage.  Movies and television have romanticized the casual hook-up so much that it is now expected and acceptable to “test the waters” of your sexuality early on in any relationship.  It is a scary thought but it is reality that 11, 12 and 13 year olds are engaging in these sorts of  mature situations with absolutely no care or concern for the possible outcomes, side-effects and emotional turmoil that they can and will cause.

Maybe you think it’s old fashioned to wait  until marriage but there are good reasons for waiting.   Every time you sleep with someone you are not married to you are giving that person consent to do the same!

“WHAT?” you ask!  Yes, you cannot expect to have sex with someone that you are not committed to and turn around and be upset if they sleep with anyone that they are not married to.  It doesn’t matter how long you’ve “been” with someone, it doesn’t matter how committed you think you are or what your intentions are.  This is one of the facts that never ceases to amaze and confound me!  I have seen time and time again the crying and screaming , the blaming and torment that a couple goes through when one or both cheat on the other.  Relationships were never intended to be this way.  Especially for women, a lot of emotion is invested into any relationship.   It is hard for me, as a woman, to conceive of not being completely and utterly  caught up emotionally with a man that I am giving my whole self too.  So, it stands to reason that if I or he should decide to end the relationship or take up with someone else someone will be hurt and hurt badly.

Unfortunately, the cycle does not end there~ it continues and often spirals out of control.  Young girls who give themselves over physically to a man(or a boy) will find that they lose a part of themselves.   This is really important to understand.  Physical intimacy between a man and a woman is a mystery.  The Bible says it and I’ve lived it.   God says that  ”the two shall become one flesh”.  It is hard to describe but it is a holy union for a man and woman to be joined and a supernatural occurrence takes place.  Therefore, separating from that union is going to be painful not only physically and emotionally but spiritually as well.   We don’t understand all of the inner-workings of our souls but God does and that is why he has given us guidelines and protections for how to keep it safe and secure.  Joining ourselves to one person forever and ever , amen is the way He has designed us to live.   Trust me, it will bring you to a place of peace and joy and commitment like you have never known or would have ever dreamed possible if you follow this path.

However, girls(and guys) who live their teenage years bouncing from one boyfriend to the next find that it is hard to escape this pattern.  Because of this emotional, physical and spiritual connection they feel lost and lonely if they are not “with” someone.  It is common nowadays to see girls break up with one guy on Monday and be “dating” and likely sleeping with a new guy by Friday.   A relationship like this may last 2 or 3 months if they’re lucky but after the  lust and feverish passion have worn off they’re dumping each other and searching for the next willing partner.  How I wish I could take a hold of their young faces and shake them into reality! The pain will never end, the desire of the flesh will only get harder and harder to resist and the cycle will continue.   These are not people that we want being parents~ but they will be.  These are the parents of aborted babies, FAS babies, shaken baby syndrome kids and kids in the foster care systems.  These are kids who are faced with grown up choices, grown up situations and grown up messes.

The grown ups aren’t much better.   There are 20-something year olds having babies with men they’re not married to who aren’t ready to settle down and be dads and support a family.   There are 30-something year olds forgetting their marriage vows and suddenly finding themselves acting like teenagers again.  They’re losing their homes, their jobs, their families and their lives because the world has told them they can have it all and “get a little on the side”.    It’s not a pretty picture.  We need to wake up and take a look around us.

Who are your friends?  Are they married? Divorced? Dating?  Living together?   What is happening on your street, in your family, in your home or your church?   Are you accountable to anyone or is anyone accountable to you?   Isn’t being part of a family holding each other up but also holding each other accountable for our actions?  Why are we born into families if we aren’t willing to be taught, mentored and given some tough love once in a while?

You know, none of us are perfect.  It is hard for me to control myself at times(and this may be one of them).  I say things and I’ve hurt people.  I know that.  And I’m working on it.  I also know that life is tough and it’s only going to get tougher.  It’s a scary world.  But if we rely on our feelings in the moment to dictate what we do and how we do it, we will soon find ourselves to be at the edge of a cliff.  You can jump off and be free for a while….but soon you will hit rock bottom and it will devastate your life.  It will kill you~ literally.    You may not want to hear this, but there is a judgement day coming and you better be prepared to face your Maker.  He will judge and His judgement may not look anything like the way you or I think it will be.

2 Timothy 3:1 But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. ² People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, ³ without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, ⁴ treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— ⁵ having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.

1 Corinthians 6:9  Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men¹⁰ nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.

Adultery is simple~ sleeping with someone you’re not married to.  God does not bless adulterers and the Bible even goes further to say that adulterers WILL NOT inherit the kingdom of Heaven. (ouch~ that hurts).