Turning Points{Growing Deep Roots}

32 years ago today my life changed abruptly. I didn’t totally understand what was going on and for a moment I was caught up in the hype.  The only home I had known was a flurry of activity and most of our worldly possessions were either packed into boxes or being auctioned off.  It was a bit of a blustery day, much like today.  I only have two vivid memories from that day.

1.  Helping our neighbour ladies serve homemade pie slices to concession customers through our dining room window.

2. Watching a little girl walk away with MY tin doll house(I sure wish I had that now. It was the coolest thing and so vintage).

We were moving.  We slept on homemade mattresses that night under the new tied-quilts my mom had made.  The horse trailer was loaded with all that we owned and cherished.  I looked for my cat, Chocolatebar(she was a brown calico) the next day but she was no where to be found. She must have known the jig was up and purposely made sure she was not a part of it.  We all cried that day as we drove away from the family ranch.  My grandma was in tears; she could barely talk.

Looking back, I know there was way more going on than my sisters and I could comprehend. It took another 20 years for me to figure most of it out.  With the farming and ranching business being so volatile in those years and interest rates through the roof, no one was doing very well financially.  The winds of change were blowing and my dad had an itch to move on.  But that day, May 3, was the last day that our family was the family I knew from birth. Everything changed after that.

If you knew me then, you would know I was a quiet, shy and extremely introverted child.  The upheaval of leaving our secluded country life in Northern Sask/AB(we lived on the border) and moving to a city where I was thrown into a culture I neither asked for or liked was devastating.  It was so devastating I threatened my parents that they could NEVER, EVER do this to me again. I refused to be a part of whatever plans or schemes they had. Of course, I was nine; what did I know?  I probably shed quiet tears in my room at night.  I tried my best to make friends, and I did.  But I hated the city.  I missed the farm. I missed my family and friends and our old life.  I don’t think that I really accepted our new life for several years.

With this traumatic event came the separation of my parents and a new life of my mom and my 2 sisters living a difficult life where we often had little to eat and certainly there was no money for shopping or frivolous expenditures.  This is the time I grew up.  I got my first babysitting job at 11 years of age(barely 11).  That became my bread and butter and my escape for the next 8 years.  I loved kids. I loved the money I made.( $1 an hour!)  I loved the responsibility and the ability to be in charge when much of my life seemed so not within my control.

Looking back now, I am thankful for those years but there was much pain.  I stopped showing emotion and crying.  I saw too much pain within my family and I couldn’t add to it or join in.  So I shut down.  I didn’t release any of that emotion until I met my husband.  Poor guy. He had no idea what he was in for.  But for the first time in more than 10 years I felt free and safe enough with someone to let him know all of the pain of growing up in a single-parent home and all of the fears I had carried.  We had only been dating for a short time when I let it all out and I COULD. NOT. STOP.  I shocked myself.  Bless his heart, he stuck it out with me!  And I haven’t really stopped showing emotion since!  (Like I say~the guy is a saint!).

So here we are, on the 32nd anniversary of the day that changed my life.  I am so thankful for that move in spite of the hard years and pain.  If we had never moved, I would not be the person I am today.  I would never have met my husband or so many of the friends and mentors who have helped shape and guide me into being the person I am today.

And now, as we are on the cusp of moving our kids for the 3rd time in 6 years, I can only hope and pray that they are old enough to remember and acknowledge that painful, traumatic events can be character building turning points.  They make you or they break you.   And even if they break you, you come out stronger in the end.  We don’t grow when life is good.  We don’t find out our strengths and abilities when we’re not challenged and pushed.  My dad was telling me last week that drought is what makes a good wheat crop.  In times of flooding and rainy springs, seeds that are planted do not form deep roots.  The seed doesn’t need to burrow down deep because the water is plentiful.  So when the storms and winds come, the plant is wiped out. It has no strength and can’t hang on. Seeds that are planted in dry soil have to form deep roots to find enough moisture to germinate and grow.  Often it may seem like there is nothing happening;  no growth is seen because it’s so dry.  But under the soil, in the dark places, the roots are bearing down before the plant is ready to burst through the tough, dry ground. The difference for the seeds planted during drought is that they are so strong and able to withstand any storm, heavy rains, winds and pressure.

This is my life right now. I feel like we’ve been in a drought much like my life was in the 80s.  The advantage is now, as an adult, I can see that I am burrowing down deep and forming roots.  It feels like I will never see a breakthrough but it’s beginning to rain.  And the breakthrough is imminent.  I can’t   We WON’T be staying this way much longer.  The roots that God has been forming in our lives are the exact things we’re going to need to sustain us in the coming years.  And I pray that my kids will benefit as well.

Thankful for the Unseen Hand of God

On Wednesday of this week, as my husband and I sat at our kitchen table we contemplated the reality of our situation.  Worry rears its head every once in a while and this was one of those days where we were close to focusing on worry rather than faith.  We acknowledged that the Lord was working behind the scenes and chuckled at our “11th Hour Answers” book that we should probably write.  Because, well, that is just the way it is.

We are sadly, very broke.  We have depleted all of our savings and credit lines.  My husband has worked less than 6 weeks since last August and that really doesn’t pay the bills.  It isn’t for lack of trying. He has been on the phone. He has traveled to towns and cities.  He has contacted all of the contacts in his book and added many to that list but none of those contacts have developed into any work or even a positive lead.  There simply is little to no work here or anywhere else right now.  And so, he is going to farm. In fact, we wonder if that is why were are here~ to farm.  But in this very progressive world of farming, you need the right equipment and the finances to operate the equipment.    When we were looking at what we needed and what it would take to get there, the mountain of obstacles was very high.   We decided to take it one step and one day at a time.

First up: buy seed.  Buying seed is not as easy as going to a local store. Most farmers secure their seed the season before and there is rarely extra to be had.  After a couple of weeks and many phone calls, we were able to find just enough wheat seed for our quarter.    We are very blessed that the purchase of our place came with a tractor, air seeder, cultivator, grain truck and other implements.

2nd: pay for seed.   This is not so easy either.  Ultimately we had to apply for a credit with Viterra which is where our seed is coming from.  We were approved a week after ordering the seed(phew!)

3rd: A farm credit would be required to purchase seed treatment, fertilizer and spray.  There is no way we can afford the possible $16,000 bill that will come.  Waiting for this credit to come through was a nail-biting experience.  The answer came yesterday…we got it. Thank you Lord.

4th: how will we pay our bills in the mean time?  We have not paid some of our suppliers, our business GST, taxes and we have household expenses.  Our bank account was bone dry.  Yesterday, 3 customers paid their bills and although it is not enough to cover all of our outstanding bills, it is enough to keep us afloat for the days and a couple weeks ahead.  And then, in the afternoon word came that he got a contract up north that he had just bid on.  This will be enough to catch us up for May. What a relief.

There are many mountains left to climb.  We can only do for today and tomorrow and let God worry about the rest.  For now, we are able to put seed in the ground and watch it grow.  We will not be able to afford crop insurance.  That’s okay, we have the unseen hand of God…that’s all the insurance we need.

Love Awakened

Under the snow and the hard frozen ground…there are seeds and roots….ready to push through.  They lie in wait through the fall and winter.  Waiting, waiting….for when the earth is warm enough to receive them.

Isn’t it appropriate that Easter is in the spring?  The death of Christ, harsh and cold.  3 days in the ground, buried, dead.  Waiting, waiting….to burst through that rock ALIVE!  Even now, He is waiting~ still~ waiting for the earth to receive Him.  When will we be warm enough to receive His love?  When will we awaken from death and dread?  When will the soil of our hearts be fertile and ready for growth?  Love awakens in the spring.

20 years ago I was 1 month into a new relationship.  But I knew what I knew.  I didn’t need a calendar to tell me when it had been long enough of the hand holding.   Long enough of the tender moments, talking, sharing, growing.  I didn’t need someone’s permission that “now” is the time.  When love blooms, it does so because LOVE is ready.

I remember the phone call. It was late April and we had been dating maybe only 5 or 6 weeks.  He was out of town and I was always waiting for his phone call each night.  It was all we had those first few months~ waiting for the phone. No e-mail, no texting, no cell phones.  I waited till he was off work and my schedule would be cleared to wait.    He called and we chatted as we always did.  Each time, the soil getting warmer.  Each time, our hearts getting bigger.  How do you know when you’re ready to receive love? How do you know when you’re ready to give it?   You just do.  ”I love you”.  I was surprised~ “I love you, too.”…….*sigh*  There.  That’s it.  When you know, you just do.

 

 

If you like this post, you may like : First Date

The Farm Dream

I have been collaborating with a friend on a “secret” project.  Well, actually, it’s not so secret anymore but still secret enough that I’m not really at liberty to share much about it.   It’s one of those projects that comes along once in a lifetime and if I’m being honest, it’s not really my project. It’s God’s.   I know what you’re thinking, “Oh there she goes again with her God talk.”  Yep.  I am.  God is everywhere, in all things and interested in everyone’s life whether you choose to accept that or not.  It’s the truth.  And in this particular case God’s timing, His hand and His methods blow me away.   Someday soon I hope that I can share more.   But for now, I just want you all to know that God still does miracles and He still hears all those prayers that you thought He forgot about or never really heard in the first place.

As I have been pondering this very exciting  time in the lives of friends, I have been taking stock of some of my own prayers and plans.  Some that have come into existence and others that I am still waiting on.  It’s the waiting ones that we tend to focus on. Waiting.  It’s so hard to do, isn’t it?   We know that there has to be an answer, a result, something.  The waiting makes us impatient.  It also makes us blind.  In the midst of waiting for what’s down the road; the hopes and dreams, we forget about the here-and-now answers.  They happen every day if we would just acknowledge them, look for them.

Today, I had one such thought/encounter.    I had forgotten about a prayer from long ago. A dream I once had.   When I was a young girl I made a list of things I wanted in a man.  I wanted to get married and have kids and be the housewife.  But I had some specifics for God on who that man might be and how our lives might play out.  Some of those items were:  musical, hard-working, funny, ministry-minded, servant-hearted, focussed on God, ready and willing to be led by God in all things….these were just a few.  But one of the early “requirements” that I had let go of  was this : a farmer.  I can hear the chuckles.   You see, this is why some girls don’t share all their desires with their friends and families~ they think they will be mocked.  Well, I’m sure my family knew.  I was always a little old-fashioned and being a farmer’s wife sounded like Heaven to me.    When I met my husband, he was not a farmer and didn’t really want to be. But he was a farmer’s son and so , that was good enough for me.

I have since learned a very big lesson: “Good enough” is not in God’s vocabulary.  He has never done anything just to get by, just to fit in the moment.   When He created the Heavens and the Earth…they were GOOD.  When He created animals and nature they were GOOD.  When He created man and woman…..they were VERY GOOD.    Not once did He say “good enough”.

This week , my husband has been on the phone a lot.  He has been on the internet learning.  He has been in town talking to locals and managers.  Today, he talked with his own dad.  And then……he went out into HIS field.  His , because this year…..a dream is being fulfilled.  Because you see, I may have had a dream many years ago to be a farmer’s wife.  But he also was given a dream…later, but still.   God gave him a dream to till the soil. To plant seeds.  To sow and to tend.  To grow and to harvest.  Today, my husband became a farmer.

We’ve been married nearly 19 years and my dream is probably 30 years old or more…but God wasn’t finished with me 19 years ago and he’s not finished with me yet.  I  still have dreams and although God knows better than to give me some of those directly(like twins! hahahah) today I realized that He still remembers some of the dreams that I’ve forgotten.

Patience.

Waiting.

Harvesting.

Sounds like farming to me!