Lifelong Love Affair~Jimmy Evans {Book Review}

I love hardcover books. Somehow, when a book is in hardcover with a beautiful dust cover it just feels special. It feels important and worthy of cherishing. That’s this book.  A beautifully put together book; thoughtful in content and layout, eloquent and detailed.

Jimmy Evans shares stories. Stories of marriages that nearly failed, including his own. Marriages that have triumphed. Marriages that were heading down the wrong tracks.  And all of these stories are linked by the grace of God and a common commitment to do better and to have passionate marriages that last.

The title’s tag line says “How to have a Passionate and Deeply Rewarding Marriage” .  This is not  a short read or a quick fix. This is a book for the journey of life. I would suggest working through this book as a couple as there are many scripture references and talking points. There are also questions in a study guide at the back which would make it appropriate for a small group discussion.

If you are at your wits end. If you are worried you’ve made a mistake or if you feel like giving up, this book will steer you back on track.

“We gave up.  At some point in time, we both realize that we simply could no longer make it on our won. We finally came to grips with the reality that we were completely incapable of putting our marriage back together again~at least on our own power~so we gave up trying. We put down our weapons and raised the white flag. We surrendered.”~p.34

“We start remembering what it was that first brought us together, and those giddy feelings we felt the first time we met start to resurface. We find ourselves falling love all over again……and that’s not all God does.” ~p53

 

Most men have four basic needs that they want met by a marriage partner: (from page109)

1.They need to feel honored and respected by their wives.

2.They need sexual intimacy.

3.They need friendship~a wife who enjoys doing fun things together.

4.They need domestic support~a wife who takes care of the home.

The final chapters in the book discuss covenant and what that means. Why is the Biblical version of marriage so special? And what steps to restoration do you need to take in order to achieve that love that lasts?

 

Truly a lovely book and well written. This would be a great gift for a newly engaged couple , wedding gift or anniversary gift. The kind of thing appropriate for gift giving as we come up to Valentine’s Day in the next couple weeks!

 

“Book has been provided courtesy of Baker Publishing Group and Graf-Martin Communications, Inc. Available at your favourite bookseller from Baker Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group”.

He Just Wanted To Kiss Me

I have no idea how this happened.

I don’t know where I’ve been that this day has come so quickly and without warning.  I sometimes wonder if I’ve been in some sort of coma for half of the past two decades. I simply cannot believe that we are here:  our 20th Wedding Anniversary.

Yes, 20 years.

When I first started dating my husband he had forever in his eyes and it scared the crap out of me.  I had no idea how to handle the emotions and the thrill of having a man focused entirely on me….and my lips.  Yes, he just wanted to kiss me.   I didn’t let him…at first.  I had never been kissed.  I was 19, almost 20 and no man had ever kissed me on the lips. And I was scared.  What if I had fish lips that went limp and slimy?  What if let him down?  What if he was disappointed?

If I never learned how to kiss I would

surely be an old maid forever.

(these are the irrational thoughts of a naive teenage girl with no “experience”) .

Well, he did kiss me.  He pretty much had to throw me down on the floor and plant one on my cold, hard lips. I’m sure it wasn’t enjoyable.  But he persisted.  And eventually, I loosened up. And then we couldn’t stop.  Kissing became thrilling and romantic; lovely and heart-pounding.

But that’s as far as we went….till our wedding.

On our wedding day, my love got to show off his love of my lips in front of all of our family and friends. And boy did he give them a show! I look back at it now  and think we were nuts.   I suggest people do the nice closed mouth lip lock for the nuptials and leave the  tonsil-hockey to other more private locations.  Not my man.  Oh no…once he got a hold of me I was at his mercy.  I think I had to shoot up the white-flag a couple of times just to come up for air.

Ahhh yes…..young love and immature kissing.  It’s one of the special things we’ve grown into and perfected over the years.

I’m thankful for a man that didn’t give up on an inexperienced young girl.

I’m thankful for 20 years of learning and loving together.

I’m thankful that our marriage isn’t all about kissing but it still gets my heart pounding every time.

And I’m still thankful that I waited for the ONE guy to be the ONLY guy to ever be the one to kiss this girl.

Happy Anniversary my sweet love.

If you like this post please read what I really think about marriage:  What Marriage is For

A Response to Laptop-Shooting-Angry-Dad {Grace}

As of this morning a YouTube video posted last week has now over 25million views. You may have seen it~or if you haven’t, you might want to check it out.

 

I watched this on Tuesday after seeing many friends and family post it to Facebook.  Many of the comments indicated to me that this might be something that would make me laugh, be excited about or want to do a bunch of cyber-highfives to.

Clearly, I’ve never hidden my expectation that my kids are respectful people who do their fair share of work and responsibilities and so I went into the watching of this video probably a bit on the side of the dad before ever having watched it.

I have to say, it was hard for me to get through it all.  I did not feel excited, happy or gleefully ”on side with Daddy’”.  Rather, I felt sick, sad and hurt for him and his daughter.   I cringed as I got through the entire 8 minute rant.  Don’t get me wrong; I totally understand where he’s coming from.  In fact, I’ve been exactly where he is.  Exactly.  I have 4 kids, 2 of whom are now over 16 and we have walked through these waters of disrespect, whining and complaining about duties, FB inappropriateness and public humiliation.  I have 2 more kids coming up in these ranks soon and I have learned something: your kids are fragile.

In fact, their fragility escalates during the formative teen years.  Some kids are more resilient and take their hormone changes in stride but others fight it and struggle for years with boundaries, emotions and feelings of being taken for granted.  I get this teenage daughter.  I feel for her. I’ve been there~both on the receiving end as a parent and on the end of the teen.  She is hurting and she is offended.  Maybe she didn’t handle it well.  How many teen girls do?  Maybe she could have taken a better approach in talking to her parents about her stresses(or perceived stresses) and any unfairness that she feels is being directed her way.  But hear me on this: Teenagers today are not us.  They have not grown up in the world that we grew up in and they have an exponential amount of social pressure that we never had.

Facebook, as much as I love it, is a toxic world for teenage girls.  There is a certain amount of anonymity on there which leads a lot of people to feel they can spout off at any time without fear of repercussion.  Unfortunately for young girls, there are a lot of repercussions, not the least of which is realizing that your hormonal rant given in the heat of the moment will haunt you for the rest of your life because you lacked the self control to wait for a clearer head and more guarded tone with your parents.

Let me just say this to all the parents out there who have not ever had to deal with a child that has acted out in this way or to the parents whose kids are still young and think it will ” never” happen on your watch:  Put yourself in her shoes.  No, I didn’t say pretend this happened in 1985 with YOUR parents, in YOUR house and the way YOU were raised…put YOURSELF in HER shoes.  Pretend you are her, right now with YOU as her parent and her current life as your own.  With her friends, her school, her workload and her consequences.  How would you feel if your dad went on YouTube, smoking his cigarette, full of swagger and attitude(I actually kind of felt like he was nervous and pretty upset too), reading what YOU thought was private and for your friends only.  How would you feel knowing your dad had been on your Facebook account reading everything you had in your inbox?   And now, consider how you would feel, going to school the next day, facing all of your friends, your peers, the kids who already hate you, condescending teachers and unsympathetic family.  Can you imagine?  I cannot fathom the depths of despair this young girl must be in.  And please don’t confuse my sympathy for her with what she wrote.  But seriously, this dad has damaged an already fragile relationship with his daughter.  He is possibly going to regret this more in the future than she will regret ever ranting in the first place.

Dads, Moms,  show your kids the grace that you would expect to be shown.  Yes, you need to discipline, ground and take away privileges.  Yes, there are consequences for what our kids do on FB and in public.  But they are kids and they have their whole lives ahead of them.  We have already established our reputations; our shoulders are broader and we tend to bounce back fairly quickly from embarrassing situations.  A 15 year old girl could be damaged and scarred for life over a “lesson” her dad thought he was teaching her.

I am praying for this family.  I am praying for reconciliation, redemption and grace.  I am not laughing or high-fiving.  I am sad.  And it makes me more upset with all of the people who think this is worthy of praise for this dad. 25million and growing.  It’s no wonder our kids feel alienated, unloved and screwed over.

• And just as a quick note about Facebook and teens: all of my kids are on FB.  The conditions for us in our house BEFORE they got their accounts was this: They MUST be friends with us, their parents.  If they are going to post things that they would not want us to see or read, then clearly they are not ready to be on Facebook.
• They must let their friends know that profanity and inappropriate photos will not be tolerated.
• We regularly go through their friend lists: no person is approved as a friend unless they know them in a personal, face-to-face way.  Friends are only friends if they are people we would have over to our house and are pouring positive support into our lives.
• FB can be taken away at any time , for any reason if attitudes or actions show they can’t be responsible online
• At any time I, or their dad, should be able to look in their inbox(with them present) and read any or all messages. Meaning…don’t be bashing friends or family in public OR in private.

It works for us. Our kids have done well and don’t actually post a lot anyways.  And we’ve managed to at least prevent any embarrassing or life-long baggage from coming back to haunt anyone.

 

To the dad in the video: Give your daughter a hug, humble yourself and tell her you are sorry and that you over-reacted in a way that was inappropriate for you and for her.  Tell her that  YOU crossed a line in her privacy and your respect for her. And no matter what she does or says OR posts in the future, you will love her unconditionally and always be that soft place for her to land in a harsh and unforgiving world.

Preparing for February 14 {This might not be what you think}

February 14 does not mean the same thing to me as it does to most of you. For my entire life, it has been a special day but not because of red hearts, roses and chocolates. You will have to wait a couple of days to find out why.

However, the greater population of the developed world puts a whole lot of emphasis AND money on this day to profess love to their friends, family and even the odd un-requited love story.  Sappy-ness seems to take over the airwaves on radio and TV.  Walking into any store you are bombarded with red, pink; stuffed, sweet and pricey.

Meh.  I’m good without all that. In fact, if you’re one of these women who forces her husband or boyfriend to show up with some fancy piece of jewelry that he can’t afford, doesn’t really want to give you or feels obligated to give…you and I probably aren’t going to be friends.

If you’re the kind of lady who absolutely won’t accept grocery store roses, cardboard box chocolates and a dollar store card…well, we’re pretty likely not to be friends.  If the success of Valentine’s Day is measured in dollars spent and high expectations for fancy dinners and lots of hype we FOR SURE will never be friends.  I just can’t stomach all of that pressure.  I feel bad for guys who look so lost in department stores looking for “THAT THING” that’s going to make the woman swoon. I want to go up to them and tell them “if she’s really worth it, just give her your heart” .  Because, isn’t that what Valentine’s Day is?  Isn’t that why little 8 year old boys colour their best heart-shaped card and sneak it to the little freckled girl in the 2nd row?   Love.  Hmmmmm.

I can confidently say that I have never put that sort of pressure on my husband , nor would I ever want to. It is JUST AS MUCH my duty to go out of my way for him and show him love and honor and respect regardless of what I may or may not get in return.  Love should be given freely, without strings attached, without expectations, without the promise of any return on investment.  Love makes your heart swell and gives you energy.  It doesn’t knock you down and punch you again for getting the WRONG size, WRONG colour, WRONG style, WRONG price tag.  And it shouldn’t make you worry for rejection.

Our Valentine’s Day history is varied. I have to say, my husband does a better job at surprising and woo-ing me than I do to him.  He has ordered roses to be delivered while he was away in Africa(that was pretty extravagant I must say).  He has left me little notes and small gifts that have little to no value or meaning to anyone else but meant the world to me.  One year while away, he had pre-purchased a cheesey department store gimmicky toy: 2 monkeys on a motorcycle singing “I’m just a love machine and I won’t work for nobody but you”…that one made me laugh.    Some years, I get nothing and I give nothing and you know what? I still love him. He still loves me. No one has their nose out of joint.  We don’t worry about it, dwell on it~it doesn’t define our marriage or our love.

This year, money is tighter than it’s been in years.  Distance has separated us to the point where there won’t be any surprises.  It’s not going to affect our relationship.  If anything, distance has pushed us to be more careful with the time we have together.  We also text a whole lot more~little love snipits throughout the days.   Keeping our love fresh and growing is all we need. Cards, flowers, jewelry and chocolates may mean something to other people but I much prefer the feeling of seeing my husband walk through the door at the end of a long day of work.

I would take lying beside him in bed every night for the rest of my life over  getting roses again.  I will cherish his voice, his touch, his embrace, his laugh over and above any sentimental poem, card or love token.  For us, love is real.  Love is not a package.  Love is not a toy.  Love cannot be measured by a dollar value or the number of stars behind a restaurant listing.

Valentine’s Day…..it’s February 14.  It’s not the end or the beginning of love .  It’s just a day and you can make it just as special as any other day if you tell the one you love how much they mean to you.

Their Problems~My Problem

It’s not about me.  

How often have you heard that phrase but neglected to understand what it really means?  I probably have way too often.  In this past year I’ve likely made everything about me when it never was intended to be.

What am {I} doing wrong?  {I} must have missed something.  Why can’t {I} just figure this out?  

These are the questions I ask and have yet to find the answers.  And then it hit me: it has NOTHING to do with me and my circumstance but rather what SOMEONE ELSE can learn, will learn, will hear,  through my journey.  And here’s the thing: if my attitude sucks; if my joy is incomplete? Well, it’s not up to me to figure out how someone else will take that .  It’s up to THEM to figure out what THEY’RE going to do about it.   

And the reverse is true.  I have found myself questioning why some friends and family have chosen to do the things they do.  I get frustrated and worried for them.  I question their attitudes and motives and try to spiritualize why they’ve gotten themselves into the mess they’re in.   But you know what?  That ‘s none of my concern.  My issue, if I want to take issue with it, is to be the person to them that I wish people would be to me:  loving, caring, kind.  Maybe the trouble they’re going through isn’t about them.  Maybe it’s about me.  Maybe I need to put my money where my mouth is; my action where my faith-walk is.   If I say that Jesus loves everyone the same , then maybe my messy,dirty, un-holy, sin-generating family and friends are just the medicine for my sick, twisted, judgmental heart that says you have to be clean and perfect, holy and upright .

You see, it’s pretty easy to stand on this side of the fence and look over at you and make a laundry list of everything you’re doing wrong. But the reality is, I need to put down the pen and paper and climb over that fence and help you hang your laundry.   

If we are going to LOVE like Christ loves, {It is the Christmas season, need I remind you….or me}  then we have to go to the people who need the love the most.  The un-loved,  the un-lovely.  They don’t play by the same rules and they probably won’t. And it doesn’t matter.

Do you have someone in your life right now who frustrates you to no end with their lifestyle choices?  Have you considered the fact that it might not be your job to “redeem them”?  Maybe the only purpose they have for being who they are/where they are is to get YOU off of your Holy-Roller band-wagon and sacrifice your comfort and perfect “saved-by-grace” attitude just to love them.  Not to save them. Not to get them on a clearer path. Nope.   Just because YOU need to see that God loves them exactly the same way as He loves you. And that’s it.

 

Advent week 2 post about Love…..

Day 31~ Just Love

Love…all year…in every season:

Over the past 31 days, I’ve tried to share some of my stumbling journey to loving my family.  Stumbling? Yes.  I am not a smooth road-trip person. I always seem to take the bumpy, less-traveled route. It’s lively, it’s scenic but it’s hard.  And I’m tired.  Right now, I’d like nothing more than to have a very non-eventful, mundane life. I’d like to be in the same room with my husband right now. I’d like to know that my son and my daughter are in the other room.  I’d like us all to be sitting down to dinner at our family table in our NEW house.    But that is not where we are. And it’s wearing on all of us.

Regardless of how we feel~ regardless of how **I** feel…. my family still needs to be loved, feel loved  and know that I’m here cheering them on.  Wherever you are , in the journey with your family, make sure they know you love them.  Make sure you TELL them that.   Make sure you are texting and e-mailing, writing and phoning.  Let them know you’re making their favourite lasagna for supper.  Have that plate of cookies waiting at the end of a hard school day.  Take your mitts and a blanket and sit there and watch their hockey or skating practice.  Read a book, make a cup of hot cocoa, sit a while and just BE with them.  Love your family.  It is the greatest blessing for you and for them.

Thank-you for persevering through these days with me.  I hope it wasn’t too boring.  Next time I do a challenge like this, I promise to think ahead a little more~ and maybe even show you some of my new house! Yes, I believe….it is on the verge of happening…I’m holding on to hope!

 

Day 30~ Love Unconditionally {What You Have To Lay Down For Love}

Over the past 30 days I’ve been participating with over 700 other bloggers to post about one topic over the entire month. I admit that when I began I wasn’t really set on my topic: Loving Your Family.  I should have been broader…or maybe more specific. I’m not sure. I’d do it differently though.  And, actually, it’s quite hard to  do. I did miss a few days which I intended to make up for…but, well, that’s not going to happen.   Through it all, I’ve been loving my family through a series of small crises.  In our house, there’s always drama. But this month has been fraught with more than I’d care to share.  For the most part, I’ve kept my family out of this conversation. Mostly because teenagers don’t much appreciate their dirty laundry being aired for all the world to read.(And can I blame them?)  But now that we are to the end of this topic, I’d like to talk to myself.  If you want to listen in, that’s fine.  But this is for me.

I’ve always thought that I understood love.  REAL love.  Maybe I’m naive or maybe I’m just not thinking hard enough about it, but love is tough.  It’s not romantic and calm.  It doesn’t fit the mold that I thought it would.  Love takes work.  Lots of work.  Love takes sacrifice~ more than I even know at this point in my life.  Love hurts.  And love rewards.

Yesterday, I watched a video.  I knew the story behind it years ago but I had avoided watching the video knowing it would reduce me to a puddle of mush.  It did.  I was sobbing.  Tears flowed.  I could not contain the swelling of my heart.  Love broke the mold.

Watch:

 

Are you crying yet?  I can’t stop.  It’s unconditional love.  The kind of love that gets up early in the morning when all you want to do is sleep. Love that gently rocks a baby back to sleep for the 10th time this night.   A love that holds the forehead of not one child, but 4 all through the night as they fight a stomach flu so that their dad can sleep and be okay for work in the morning.

Love hurts your muscles; carrying a too-tall child up the stairs to their bed because they have fallen asleep on the couch.

Love hurts your heart; watching your daughter’s heart be broken for the first time because she’s not ready to give her heart away.

Love hurts your time; you cannot watch that TV show or read that book tonight because someone needs help with their homework.

Love hurts your wallet~ yes. It does.

What are you willing to lay down for love?  If you say you love unconditionally and are willing to sacrifice then what will you lay down?

Are you patient with your kids and your spouse? Are you kind? Do you envy them or their position? Are you too proud to sit at their volleyball game for 3 hours and cheer even though your daughter isn’t likely to play more than 3 minutes?   Do you dishonor them by talking about the dumb thing they did last week to your friends?   Are you short-tempered and do you tend to bring up their past mistakes just to rub it in?

1 Corinthians 13(also known as the Love chapter) says this:

           4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 ⁸ Love never fails.

LOVE NEVER FAILS. EVER.  You keep going even when you want to quit.  You hug when you want to walk away. You show grace and mercy when all you want to do is punish.   LOVE NEVER FAILS.

Failing to love your family is not an option. It doesn’t mean you’re perfect~ it just means you’ll get back up and try again.

 

Day 18~We have a Situation {Pretty Girls and the Boys Who want to Date Them}

My beautiful daughters and my husband.

I have beautiful daughters.  When they were babies they were beautiful, when they were toddlers they were cute and when they started to grow up , I knew we’d have a problem.  The problem is this: Boys like pretty girls.  I was not a pretty girl~ I was the awkward, looking for my own style(actually, I had no style and could have cared less) kind of girl that boys just want to be friends with.  That’s okay, I was good with that.  But now, I have 3 daughters.  Two of them old enough for the boys to be pursuing.  I need a bigger gun. I need more guns.  I need something more intimidating than my disapproving mother look(which I use far too much for my own liking).

We have a rule in our house: no dating.  Period.  And I don’t have this rule because I’m mean or because all boys are bad(most of them have less than noble intentions).  I have these rules because I dated a boy(I’m married to him now).  When I dated him , we were both out of high school but we were still driven by a lot of hormonal desire. I had no idea how quickly a guy can go from being your friend to wanting to get your clothes off.  And just so we get something straight here~ I was the “good girl”.  There was no 3rd base or even 2nd base in our courtship. This is the reason for short engagements: you like him, he likes you~ you love him, he loves you~ you want to marry him, he asks…let’s go.  That’s the way it was for us.  

But back to my girls: No dating, we’ve made that abundantly clear.  And I’ve explained it to my girls this way: If a boy wants to date you now, when you’re 13, 14, 15, what are his intentions?  Does he want a companion? Does he want to show off a pretty girl on his arm in the school hallways? Does he want a girl wearing his football jacket at games? Does he want you to come for Sunday dinner to hang out with his parents? What does he want to date you for? Well, they can never answer that question.  And the reason they can’t answer that is because the boys can’t answer it either! 

This past weekend, my 13  year old told me about a boy at school who has been hounding her to “go out with him”.  Hold the phones!!!  She’s THIRTEEN!!! She hasn’t been on the planet long enough to listen to cassette tapes or know what a rotary phone is! She doesn’t remember Y2K or life before Hannah Montana.  SHE IS A CHILD.(it’s okay, I’ve cleared this with her).   And what’s worse, is the boy on the hunt is in Grade 10~ 2 years older.  I realize for some of you reading this , this seems rather insignificant and probably innocent.  Let me paint a picture for you:

 A boy(he is not a man) over Facebook has asked now at least 3 times this question: “Will you go out with me?”  What does that mean?  Where I come from “going out” means we’re actually going somewhere. So, I pressed my daughter, “Where does he want to go out?”  Her answer is typical:”Well, he doesn’t want to go anywhere. That just means he wants us to be a couple at school.  Mom, no one goes out on dates anymore~ it’s just school-dating.”

Hmmm. School Dating.  How lame.  Sad, isn’t it? That these young people have taken a sacred institution like dating and reduced it to hallway hand-holding and after-school hook-ups.  Ooops. Hook ups? What?  Oh yes.  Let’s get at the heart of this:  These boys like a pretty girl on their arms.  They like the status of being able to “get” a girl and be “in a relationship”. But most of them don’t know the first thing about relationships, commitment, sharing and caring, sacrifice or love.  In fact, none of that is on their radar or agenda. The only thing they care about is having their raging-hormonal-needs satisfied. And most of them don’t really understand what that’s all about . All they know is that the guys in their  class are “doing it” and obviously that’s just what you do. Right? I mean, if you have a NEED , you fill it.  Right? Come on, get with the program.  

I’ve been accused of many things. But the thing that really gets my goat is when other mothers call me unrealistic, naive and unfair when I ban my kids from dating.  It has happened more times than I can even express. So many parents have just rolled over on this issue.  They have traded the boundaries of appropriate teenage boy/girl contact for a whatever-may-come attitude. They have given into the puppy dog eyes that their daughters give them or they have never set a boundary in the first place. Most parents just think that dating is a part of growing up and so it is to be expected.  But that is so wrong.  Dating is serious business. Dating is the first step to marriage.  It involves emotions and feelings of the heart. It grapples with mature situations like physical touch, sexual stimulation and broken hearts.  No 13, 14 or 15 year old should be dealing with those issues. They’re still growing for goodness’ sake!! Many of them haven’t even gone through puberty.  And now we have 11 and 12 year olds trying to wade these waters too.(My 11 year old has told me what’s going on in her class too).  

I’ve seen the hurt and heartbreak. Our oldest daughter thought she could handle it. She didn’t tell us because she knew we’d disapprove.  When she was barely 14 a boy asked her out. She said no. He did not relent. Even after she told him that we had rules in our house and why we had rules he continued.  Within a couple of weeks he was hand-holding and kissing her in the hallways. Every girl loves the attention of boy and so she kept her secret.  That is, until her mother walked into the school one day and saw.  Let’s just say that an animal instinct came over me.  In my coolest(not so cool), calmest(not very calm), quietest(not quiet at all) voice I approached them and told him to remove his greasy hand from my daughter.  I also told him that if he ever touched her again, I would touch him.  Oh yes I did.  There were teachers and students who just stood and stared.  There was no sound. I actually don’t remember much. I do know that I e-mailed the creep and told him to back off(because he needed more than one reminder) or I would have him looking for protective body-guards.  Maybe I didn’t handle it well and certainly my daughter was mortified and embarrassed.  The good that came out of this was:  

• My daughter realized that all the times I told her I was everywhere and knew what was going on, became a bold new reality for her. 
• She got a reputation in school for the girl who was untouchable(but it did take a few guys a little longer to learn)
• We, the parents, gained new respect with the teaching staff and other parents for doing what they knew they should do but didn’t know how
• She realized that he wasn’t all he said he was when he spread rumours, tormented her and ultimately took up with other girls telling them the same things he told her: “you’re the only one” “I love you” “I’ll wait for you”

I’m so thankful that we caught it before something more than kissing happened.  But I’m sad that her first kiss is no longer special. I’m sad that a boy who couldn’t take no for an answer robbed her of a special moment.  And I’m sorry that her first experience with dating was without her parents’ knowledge or consent.  

 Nearly 2 years later, she has come to realize that boys in school are after 2 things: status and sex.  And when they get bored with one or the other, they shake off the old and pick up a new toy.   For most of them, the new lasts maybe 1,2 or even up to 6 months. But unless the boy is getting regular sex, he’s likely to drop a girl very quickly.  

Can I believe I’m discussing this? No, not really. It’s surreal.  I am sad for this generation of young kids who are trying to grow up way too fast in bodies that are not ready to be grown up, with minds that are no where capable of processing the magnitude of the choices they’re making. 

My 13 year old’s suitor is persistent.  I will give him that.  He has tried several times now to get my daughter to agree to “go out” with him. Here’s a pointer, little boy:  WHEN you’ve grown up enough to be able to have a job that can pay for dinner out at a nice restaurant and can drive to pick up my daughter and bring her home safely, you can then approach ME and tell me WHY it is you want to DATE her. Not “go out”.  If you cannot, or will not do this , then you are not ready to date my daughter or anyone else’s for that matter. And furthermore, don’t be a wiener and ask her out on Facebook!! If you can’t talk to her to her face, you are not ready to be in a real relationship.  Oh, and one more thing: How many kids do you want to have? And how will you support them? Because, as far as I’m concerned, those are two questions you need the answers to before you start to date.  

Ya, I’m like that.  My daughters are not some boy’s property.  They are not the latest tool on the shelf~ ready to try out and test.  They are beautiful, awesome , creative PEOPLE who deserve guys who want to see them succeed in their dreams and goals.  They deserve men who want to hold them when they cry, tend to them when they’re sick, love them , cherish them and grow in a relationship through all the good times and bad times.  And none of that includes sexual gratification. Sex is the bonus for doing all of this FIRST.  Sex is the icing on the wedding cake for committing your life to your wife.  If only the boys on Facebook loved my daughters as much as I do.

Oh, and Facebook boy: One more tip~ If a girl tells you that her parents don’t condone dating at her age, that would be your first and only clue to drop it. Unless, of course, you enjoy being publicly humiliated in the school in front of all your peers. I mean, if you enjoy that sort of thing, by all means….keep at it. I’m quite comfortable making you feel like the small, pathetic creep that you are. 

Day 17~ Instilling a LOVE of Work in your kids

Okay, so I’m preaching to myself here.  I’m sure you’ve had those moments where you realize that you goofed. Like , big time.  We came by it honestly but the reality of our bad parenting is threatening us at this very moment: work ethic.

I grew up in a house where my mother would throw open the curtains Saturday mornings, crank up her record collection of the The Rambos or The Statler Brothers  and expect us up and at it in short order.  Saturdays were work days. In the spring, raking and yard clean up.  In the summer, mowing.  In the fall, cleaning out storage, purging and prepping for winter.  And there was always laundry, floors and windows to wash and all sorts of other jobs.  My mom expected the work done her way and on her timeline. She set the timer on the stove and there was no way we were to go over.  That was one thing with my mom: do it right, do it in the time allotted or……be warned.  It wasn’t worth it then to discuss consequences and it’s not worth it now.  Mother spoke, we listened. End.OF. Story.

Beyond learning to respect and obey my mom, we were learning how to work hard.  And not just hard; we were learning that when someone expects you to do something, you don’t question why or how, you just do it and you do it well~ to the specifications laid out for you.  (What a terrible run on sentence!eek!)

My kids often ask me why they need to know what arthropods are, why they need to know how to calculate square roots, or why they have to do a fitness test in phys ed every quarter.  My simple answer to them: because you need to know how to work hard and finish what’s been assigned. (even though I disagree with much of what is assigned in school, I agree with the premise of teaching kids to complete projects and do their best).

Sadly, there are fewer and fewer parents who demand excellence and a finished product/job out of their kids.  My husband’s company is busy~ too busy. They have had 2 guys quit in the past 3 days.  Why? Because they don’t want to work so hard for 8 hours a day. They would rather go up the road to work for the union(for $3 LESS per hour) just because the union guys tend to have 4-5 guys to do what one man should be doing. They take more breaks, for longer.  I had one guy tell me last week that his friend just started into the electrical apprenticeship program in his mid-30′s . He’s answering to guys 8-15 years younger than him.  But he puts up and shuts up. He recently went to union jobsite because there was more work and what he thought would be a better experience.  Turns out that the guys gave him a very hard time the first week because he was “working too hard” and not taking as many breaks.  They told him that he was making them look bad.  He said, “well aren’t we here to work?”.  He finally quit after a couple of months because he was not raised to “not work” like that.  In the end he figured that they were putting in 4-5 hours of work in an 8 hour day. Sad.  This is what our society has become.

The “Occupy” protests that have been making their way from Wall Street to other major cities in North America have really bothered me. I really don’t know if most of the people “protesting” know what they’re actually protesting about.  The fact is this: You may be jealous or think it unfair that a CEO gets to sit in a really nice office all day and make millions of dollars for doing it but consider this~ He sits in a chair, made in  a factory.  That factory line consists of people who would not have jobs if it weren’t for his need of the chair.  His office was built by tradesmen: carpenters, steel workers, brick layers, plumbers and electricians.  None of them would have work if there weren’t buildings to build, CEOs with offices needed, stores to house the stuff you buy….it goes on and on and on.

Every job is needed.  Every job has value.  But every worker is replaceable.  Teaching our kids that they need to take pride in the work they do and the time taken to do it is one of the very most important lessons of life. I often tell my kids that they will feel better about themselves if they’ve worked hard all day, through blood, sweat and tears knowing they’ve done their best and what is required of them. That is a good days’ work.  And it doesn’t have to have a dollar value attached to it.

The LOVE of a good work ethic is fulfilling and life-skill in high demand.  Teach it to your kids; I’m teaching mine.

Day 16~ I’ve Got Your Back

Family dynamics: mmmm. Volatile, crazy, unpredictable.  I have a family of 6: 4 kids, 2 parents. We’re outnumbered 2 to 1. It makes for lively discussions, passionate pleadings and a lot of arguments.  When you have 6 people, all with VERY strong opinions(I wonder where THAT came from??), you get accustomed to arguing, disagreements and all out fights at times. Do I like it? No.  Do I think we could do better? yes.  But I can’t paint you a rosy picture of our family life and pretend we have it all together because we don’t. 

Currently we have 3 teenagers.  We are a mere 18 months away from having all 4 teens! (Oh goodness, can that really be true?).  I remember when we had our last~ a girl.  The 3rd girl in a row after our first being a boy.  My husband told me, “I’m moving out when all 3 of them are teenagers”.  We joked about it then, but now that reality has sunk in he’s finding just how tempting that notion is.  He grew up in a family of 3 boys~ there were no female hormones to speak of. He had NO IDEA what he was getting into. Honestly, the stuff that upsets him with hormonal outbursts: crying, slamming doors, screaming…..well, it just doesn’t phase me. I grew up with 2 sisters. All of us and my mom competing for one bathroom.  Oh ya, fun times. So, here we are.  He is 5 hours away with the oldest two(the most stubborn if you ask me) and I am here with the younger two.  Both of us are dealing with teenage girl hormones: crying about seemingly insignificant things, screaming about the unfairness of life, weeping about friends, flirting with boys….Oh , these are the days we were hoping would pass by without too much anxiety and what we’re finding is that the grey hairs are popping out in abundance.

  

It’s hard and our situation has made it harder.  But through it all , we’ve had to maintain that one important relationship: our marriage. We cry, we scream , we plead….but not in the hormonal way.  We cry out to God to help us make right decisions, to guide us as we train up and nurture our children.  It is a humbling experience and we’re no experts.  We’ve had a lot of failures and there will be more~ we’re so sure of that.   Clinging to each other, to God, to faith , hope and love~ we have to have each others’ backs.  Not that our kids turn us against each other on purpose, but they do seek out a sympathetic ear and often one of us is ready to cave.   Vulnerability is our weak spot.   

Tonight, we had an episode~ they’re frequent these weeks.  And I had to back track and get tough with a kid over the miles, over the phone, via text…not a great way to parent but it’s all I have.  And the hammer came down~ Dad and I are united.  Some things that our kids want are not what they need.  Some things they think they should be allowed to do might be okay under “normal” circumstances but they’re not working now.  So, as hard as it was and is to do, I had to say “no” and reap the backlash of  ”it’s not fair” and “but, why..”

At the end of this day and the beginning of a new week my priority is this to my husband: I know it’s tough for you but I’ve got your back and I love you.  

31 Days of Loving your Family: Find the other 15 post links here.