Help for that Cold or Flu {Home remedies and common sense}

Good grief you all are a bunch of sickies! I mean really! The flu season is early and it is brutal.

For the past 3 years we have managed to avoid the really nasty flu that levels a person for a three or more days. We’ve had a few minor colds and sinus infections and there have been coughs and some minor fevers but for the most part, we have been pretty healthy in spite of working and going to school with people who are clearly not well.

After 20 years of mothering four kids through school, church activities, sports, brutally cold winters and running my own dayhome, I have figured out a few tricks to combat illness.  You’ve probably heard of many of them but some may surprise you. I’m not a doctor or a health professional; I’m a mom. And this is common sense and few of “Grandma’s” remedies thrown in.

1. Don’t sanitize everything!  I do not clean my house like a crazy lady with OCD. Sorry, but germs are everywhere and I’m not going to kill myself trying to purge the house of every form of bacteria. In fact, I am almost exclusively opposed to the use of disinfecting wipes and anti-bacterial hand cleaners and soaps. They are actually making the transmission of germs worse(in my opinion).  Have you noticed how kids and families are getting sicker and for a longer period of time? I blame the over-sanitization of everything around us. Our immune systems simply cannot fight every little germ that comes along if we have been kept from building immunity to them. Now, I’m not suggesting you don’t clean up after a sick person or do preventative measures if you have a revolving door of little ones in your house…but temper that with common sense. Remember, some of us grew up eating dirt, dog food and the occasional helping of yellow snow. There was a time when “getting dirty” was considered healthy.

2. I use onions. A lot. Even if you don’t like onions, buy some. They’re cheap like borscht! There is much information on the internet which you can research but this is what I do: cut an onion, leave half on the kitchen counter at all times. Leave half or quarter onions on a glass plate or in a glass tumbler by the bedside of anyone who may be getting sick. Do this early~don’t wait till someone is so congested and feverish that they’re in it for the long haul. Change your onions out every 2-3 days during flu season. Yes, there is a bit of an odour at first but the onions do absorb bacteria and germs preventing them from being absorbed into your respiratory system. Also, boil some onions and inhale the steam for sinus infections. Drink onion broth when you have a cold and you can even try putting vicks on the bottom of your feet, add some slices of onion and put socks on to relieve sinus congestion.

3.Lemons/Honey:  My GO-TO remedy for coughs, colds and congestion is hot water with lemon juice and honey. I will swear by this till my dying day. Don’t just drink one cup, drink multiple~all day every day when you feel a cold coming on or even to prevent it. Lemons kill the bacteria in your respiratory system and honey is a natural healer and anti-inflammatory. Use raw honey if you can get it. Make it stronger if you are very congested or if you have a sore throat.

4. Cayenne pepper~ I don’t like really spicy foods and I certainly don’t like “hot” drinks but cayenne pepper is one of THE best remedies for congestion. Sprinkle a little into your lemon/honey drink. You will be amazed how quickly you feel better.

5. For sore throats and persistent hacking coughs, try this: (as seen on Pinterest) :¼ teaspoon Cayenne, ¼ teaspoon Ginger, 1 Tablespoon Cider Vinegar (organic, like Bragg’s is preferred), 2 Tablespoon Water, 1 Tablespoon Honey (locally produced raw honey if possible.) Dissolve cayenne and ginger in cider vinegar and water. Add honey and shake well. Take 1 Tablespoon as needed for cough.  Note: this doesn’t dissolve perfectly. Always shake well before using.

6. Fever. You know, a fever is not a bad thing. And sometimes making a person comfortable with rest and fluids and a cool cloth is a much better method than masking the fever with Ibuprofen or Acetaminophen .  Fever is the body’s way of killing off infection.  It’s a burning process and if you medicate the fever away, you’ve taken away the process of cleansing the body of those nasty infections critters~which may just tick them off and make them come back with a vengeance  Check out this article on fevers in children~enlightening! Fever Benefits 

7.Cinnamon/Honey

8. Vicks vapour rub or some other comparable product.  Do not ignore what generations before us have learned: the use of menthol and eucalyptus rubbed on chests, throats, backs and feet for congestion, coughing and upper respiratory infections like bronchitis and strep throat.  Wrap the area with cotton or wool to keep the heat in and help it penetrate. Rubbing vicks on your feet and wearing socks to bed helps to relieve congestion as you sleep and is also a really great way to help little kids out without fear of them getting their hands into in and then rubbing eyes. OUCH!  And moms,here’s a trick: Vicks is pretty strong for babies and toddlers. If you want to *dilute* it a bit, mix it 50/50 (or less) with petroleum jelly OR a lanolin based scent-free lotion. Way cheaper and more effective than buying “baby safe” products.

9. Mustard Plaster~oh, I have bad memories of these. Nasty,foul smelling and burning hot. HOWEVER, they work! There are precautions though. If you are using one on a child, be aware of how hot it gets. Check it often and and protect skin with a layer or two of cotton. (something that you will throw out like an old sheet or pillow case works best).  Don’t know what a mustard plaster is? You obviously didn’t have my mother as your bedside nurse~we endured them with every illness. Works best for chest congestions like pneumonia or bronchitis.  Simply, a mustard plaster is a paste made with flour and no…NOT hot dog mustard! Dry powdered mustard. “Since mustard seed is a stimulant it will warm the circulatory system. This can result in dilated blood vessels, plus a warmed system can help burn and metabolize fat in the body. As a warming herb, mustard seed will encourage perspiration that can lower fevers and cleanse the body of toxins. This will help the body fight colds and flu.”

Click on this link for more info but here’s the basics:

A mustard plaster is made by using 4 tablespoons of flour, 2 tablespoons dry mustard, and lukewarm water. A paste is made that is easily spread but not too watery.

The most effective way to apply any poultice is to use 100 percent flannel and spread the mixture over on half of the flannel and fold the other half to make a package. Apply the poultice to the chest, cover with a heavy blanket to encourage sweating. Do not apply the mustard plaster directly to the skin as it will burn.

The mustard plaster should be left on for up to 20 minutes. If the skin turns red remove the plaster immediately.

10. Fluids. You’ve heard it, but do you do it? Clear fluids when you’re sick. No milk, no chocolate milk, (actually, dairy products are just bad when you have a cold or respiratory infection as they promote bacteria and mucous).  Hot herbal teas, clear juice(but really, keep it to a minimum on the sugary drinks), chicken soup broth(more coming on that), hot water with lemon and honey.  And water. WATER. Room temperature water is sometimes easier to ingest for kids and even when you’re feeling really poorly. The shock of cold water can chill a feverish body.

11. Cook a chicken. You know those cheaper utility chickens in the frozen food section that you often ignore? Well, when they’re cheap, buy a few. It’s very easy to make homemade chicken soup and it’s so healing and therapeutic(this is also great for new moms who are healing and nursing).   Boil your chicken in a large pot for a couple hours. You’ll need to keep adding water as it boils down. Add an entire chopped onion.  In the last 45 minutes you can add some grated carrots and  diced celery. Then add about a dozen whole peppercorns(you won’t be eating these but they’re great for flavour), sea salt(to taste), 1 whole Star of Anise(found in your whole foods/bulk/spice section), 1 bay leaf.

Boil and then simmer for 1/2 hour. Serve over cooked egg noodles or simply drink the broth. So good and it really does contribute to a faster recovery. Grandma was right!

12. Vapourizer. Every home should have at least one. When you feel that scratchy feeling in your throat, it’s time to humidify. If you don’t have one, put a pot of water on your stove to simmer. You’ll know your house is getting steamy when you can’t see out your windows! This is very important during the dry winter months. A dry throat is a hot-bed for new germs and bacteria to collect.

13.Rest. I know this shouldn’t even be a necessary point but most people don’t take enough time to rest and recover. If your kids are sick, they need to sleep, lay down, and NOT go to school or sports. That perpetuates the cycle of infection and is the number 1 reason why so many young families get hammered with illness.

ooops….almost forgot!! Ventilation! This is a biggie. If you live in a house with sealed doors and windows in the winter , you are essentially living in a microbe-infested petri dish. Ick. Open windows. Go out for a walk. Get fresh air. This is essential every day no matter how sick you are. Stale air will be the reason you get sick(likely) and the reason you stay sick. That’s why so many people get sick when it’s super cold and over the holidays~hanging around in houses with poor ventilation and then not getting enough fresh air once they’re sick to clear the lungs and cobwebs out of their system.

Finally, this is not an exhaustive list. I’m sure you all have other ideas. The most important thing to remember is that a cold and flu are NOT reasons to go the ER or your doctors’ offices unless a temperature over 103*F lasts longer than 24 hours in children or longer than 48 hours for adults. That can indicate a bacterial infection which must be treated.

Common sense dictates that when your body is run down, you are more susceptible to infections so slow down, take it easy, get enough sleep at night and don’t be the hero who has to be involved in every committee and every activity. It’s okay to say no.

I hope everyone stays healthy! This is a bad year for flus so stay strong and fight smart!

Turning Points{Growing Deep Roots}

32 years ago today my life changed abruptly. I didn’t totally understand what was going on and for a moment I was caught up in the hype.  The only home I had known was a flurry of activity and most of our worldly possessions were either packed into boxes or being auctioned off.  It was a bit of a blustery day, much like today.  I only have two vivid memories from that day.

1.  Helping our neighbour ladies serve homemade pie slices to concession customers through our dining room window.

2. Watching a little girl walk away with MY tin doll house(I sure wish I had that now. It was the coolest thing and so vintage).

We were moving.  We slept on homemade mattresses that night under the new tied-quilts my mom had made.  The horse trailer was loaded with all that we owned and cherished.  I looked for my cat, Chocolatebar(she was a brown calico) the next day but she was no where to be found. She must have known the jig was up and purposely made sure she was not a part of it.  We all cried that day as we drove away from the family ranch.  My grandma was in tears; she could barely talk.

Looking back, I know there was way more going on than my sisters and I could comprehend. It took another 20 years for me to figure most of it out.  With the farming and ranching business being so volatile in those years and interest rates through the roof, no one was doing very well financially.  The winds of change were blowing and my dad had an itch to move on.  But that day, May 3, was the last day that our family was the family I knew from birth. Everything changed after that.

If you knew me then, you would know I was a quiet, shy and extremely introverted child.  The upheaval of leaving our secluded country life in Northern Sask/AB(we lived on the border) and moving to a city where I was thrown into a culture I neither asked for or liked was devastating.  It was so devastating I threatened my parents that they could NEVER, EVER do this to me again. I refused to be a part of whatever plans or schemes they had. Of course, I was nine; what did I know?  I probably shed quiet tears in my room at night.  I tried my best to make friends, and I did.  But I hated the city.  I missed the farm. I missed my family and friends and our old life.  I don’t think that I really accepted our new life for several years.

With this traumatic event came the separation of my parents and a new life of my mom and my 2 sisters living a difficult life where we often had little to eat and certainly there was no money for shopping or frivolous expenditures.  This is the time I grew up.  I got my first babysitting job at 11 years of age(barely 11).  That became my bread and butter and my escape for the next 8 years.  I loved kids. I loved the money I made.( $1 an hour!)  I loved the responsibility and the ability to be in charge when much of my life seemed so not within my control.

Looking back now, I am thankful for those years but there was much pain.  I stopped showing emotion and crying.  I saw too much pain within my family and I couldn’t add to it or join in.  So I shut down.  I didn’t release any of that emotion until I met my husband.  Poor guy. He had no idea what he was in for.  But for the first time in more than 10 years I felt free and safe enough with someone to let him know all of the pain of growing up in a single-parent home and all of the fears I had carried.  We had only been dating for a short time when I let it all out and I COULD. NOT. STOP.  I shocked myself.  Bless his heart, he stuck it out with me!  And I haven’t really stopped showing emotion since!  (Like I say~the guy is a saint!).

So here we are, on the 32nd anniversary of the day that changed my life.  I am so thankful for that move in spite of the hard years and pain.  If we had never moved, I would not be the person I am today.  I would never have met my husband or so many of the friends and mentors who have helped shape and guide me into being the person I am today.

And now, as we are on the cusp of moving our kids for the 3rd time in 6 years, I can only hope and pray that they are old enough to remember and acknowledge that painful, traumatic events can be character building turning points.  They make you or they break you.   And even if they break you, you come out stronger in the end.  We don’t grow when life is good.  We don’t find out our strengths and abilities when we’re not challenged and pushed.  My dad was telling me last week that drought is what makes a good wheat crop.  In times of flooding and rainy springs, seeds that are planted do not form deep roots.  The seed doesn’t need to burrow down deep because the water is plentiful.  So when the storms and winds come, the plant is wiped out. It has no strength and can’t hang on. Seeds that are planted in dry soil have to form deep roots to find enough moisture to germinate and grow.  Often it may seem like there is nothing happening;  no growth is seen because it’s so dry.  But under the soil, in the dark places, the roots are bearing down before the plant is ready to burst through the tough, dry ground. The difference for the seeds planted during drought is that they are so strong and able to withstand any storm, heavy rains, winds and pressure.

This is my life right now. I feel like we’ve been in a drought much like my life was in the 80s.  The advantage is now, as an adult, I can see that I am burrowing down deep and forming roots.  It feels like I will never see a breakthrough but it’s beginning to rain.  And the breakthrough is imminent.  I can’t   We WON’T be staying this way much longer.  The roots that God has been forming in our lives are the exact things we’re going to need to sustain us in the coming years.  And I pray that my kids will benefit as well.

What Marriage is For

We, {He and I}, are in the 20th year of practicing marriage.  We practice daily and sometimes we fail miserably. But mostly, we’re getting better. Practice makes perfect and a perfect marriage is only a Heaven’s breath away.

I know that for many of you reading this, marriage isn’t fun or good or even desirable.  I also know that some of you have practiced, failed and given up.  And there are more of you who are trying it again with someone new.  I don’t claim to have the answers but I do know this: when marriage is practiced and learned and done God’s way, it works.  It works because it’s God’s plan.

Anyone can have a relationship.  Anyone can choose to love someone and be intimate with them. Relationships are easy to get and easy to leave. We friend people on Facebook and follow them on Twitter. We e-mail and text and call and write and all of it is great and none of it is special.  Relationships are a dime a dozen, sadly.  There’s nothing wrong with having 100 friends and there’s nothing wrong with only 1.

But marriage; marriage is sacred and holy and reserved seating only.  Marriage is for ONE.

When marriage is right and used to its fullest potential, there is only one and there will only ever be ONE.  That’s what marriage is for.

Regularly I read and hear news of some other state or country or province or group attempting to redefine marriage.  How do we, people, redefine what God himself created? How do we presume to take His most holy earthly relationship and cut it up, serve it out like pie and have everyone partake?  Marriage is not up for grabs. It is not on the market.  It is not entertaining takeover bids.  Marriage is non-negotiable.

And this is not the part where I get on a soapbox and talk about how homosexuals don’t deserve to be married or how polygamists should get their day in court.  Honestly, that is between them and God.  If a man chooses to have 4 wives and another man chooses to have one husband and yet another chooses to never marry but sleep with as many women as he can~none of that is about marriage. All of it is about morality and your relationship with God and your dishonor of His word and His holy matrimony.  To me it is a non-issue that states and governments spend so much time and effort on who should get to be married and who should not. Marriage is God’s.  And people make choices.  And choices are judged…by God, not man.

Marriage is more than rings and gowns.  It is more than bouquets and cake, bowties and bridesmaids.  Marriage is not a paper signed by witnesses or a  one day event we dress up to attend.  Marriage is bigger, deeper, stronger , fuller and richer than I can describe or live.

It is supernatural in its beginnings; that TWO individual people can be joined into ONE FLESH with the heartbeat of God at the very core of its existence. That is miraculous, inexplicable and mind-bending.

It simply cannot be discussed, renewed or lived out without God because He created the capacity for us to be able to live with the same person, only grow in love, for days,months, years and decades.

When the thank-you cards have all been sent and the dishes are dirty in the sink.  When bills pile up and someone needs to work and someone needs to sacrifice ….that’s what marriage is for.

When doctor visits make you cry and babies are born in the snowstorm late at night.  And sitting in that rocking chair all night makes you lose your mind and lose sleep….that’s what marriage is for.

When the dog pees on the carpet and the vacuum is plugged but the kids need food…that’s what marriage is for.

Two heads are better than one and two hearts can tackle a teenager better than one any day of the week. Two hands held tight in the storm make fear take the backseat to faith.

When words fall off the page and you can’t write or think or know what to do next….and he pulls up a chair and holds your hand and looks into your eyes and helps make that mess of words into something beautiful….that’s what marriage is for.

When you can’t stand him because he doesn’t get you and he walks away sad and lonely and defeated…….Marriage scoops  you both up and holds you until the words come out right and the heart is broken and humbly you crawl into each others’ waiting arms and start all over again.  THIS is what marriage is for.

Marriage is the safety net that catches you when you fall from the tightrope you’re on because you think you know what you want and then you fall because you had no  idea why you went out there to begin with.

Anyone can live together and make breakfast and babies.  Anyone can romance you when you’re fit and fertile.  But when pantyhose get replaced with sweatpants and a made up face gets replaced with dark circles and  the bra doesn’t fit like it used to……THAT’s what Marriage is for.

The beauty and the ugliness.  The sicknesses and screaming.  The laughing and the learning.   People give up to soon. Don’t give up.

When you get past the I wants and You shoulds and I wish.  When you learn to stay quiet and love through.  When you have patience and wait. When you give more than you take.  When you laugh more than you cry.  When your crying gets you a shoulder to cry on instead of a list of how to fix it.  When you can’t wait to see him at the end of the day and he wraps his arm around you even though your waist is wider than it was last year.  THIS.

THIS is what Marriage is for.

You know it’s been too long when….

We’re in our 8th month of being a separated family, where my husband is living out of a suitcase and coming “home” only once a month.  We’ve developed routines, habits and inside jokes that are all growing old.   We’re rolling our eyes a lot.  We’re not having fun.  We’re kind of over *THIS*.

On the weekend we were out with friends in Regina(a very RARE moment to go out and socialize) and we were explaining that we are much like a  blended family making preparations to move in together.  My husband has *his* two kids and I have mine.  *His kids*  talk to him about their schedules and plans and go to him mostly for issues and advice.  *My two kids* do the same with me.  Rarely do the 4 kids interact and when they do there’s some awkward moments of over-stepping each others’ turfs.    Our home is now MY home.  Their home is not my home at all.  It is ridiculous.

My husband is also very lonely. He doesn’t socialize much and rarely has a chance to share a laugh with anyone.  So, he has taken to creating characters.   Yes, make-believe.  Believe it.  He has an East-Indian character he created years ago who he is now considering introducing to his new Japanese friend.  He also has Reba, the lady voice on his GPS who he can talk back to every once in a while~~ for old times’ sake.   Anyone feel sorry for him? You should. The guy is going to crack!!

We also make jokes about people we shouldn’t be making jokes about.  Don’t worry, it’s not you.  Well, at least I’m pretty sure it’s not you.  It’s innocent and it’s all we have.   He calls me after work on his way home or to pick up or drive our daughter around.  He uses his Bluetooth so it’s all  legal and hands-free, no worries.  But , it’s background noise.  He chats with her, I chat with my girls.  I make supper, he gets gas.  We laugh.  I listen.  They talk.  I eat.  We do this for a long time.  Just to be IN the moment and in each others’  lives.

We’re starting another long stretch between visits.  He gets to go to a hockey game this week with our son so there will be no weekend visit.  Next week we have skating carnival here and then a concert where we’ll meet for an evening but that will be it for a couple weeks again.  Basically, a 4 hour meeting in the midst of 4-5 weeks of not seeing each other.

I enjoy when we get together because the first glance is like dating all over again.  But after that, it’s a series of house-keeping questions, discussions and decisions.  There’s always something that needs attention.  We have so few hours but we’re still parents and we still have obligations.  It’s not all romance and kisses…wouldn’t that be nice?

I’ve had to re-prime the pressure tank on our water system…by myself.  Unclog drains.  Rescue a dog in the middle of the night.  Drive myself home after hitting a deer.  Finish all of our business paperwork by myself and a multitude of other menial tasks which sound so easy and mundane but are so lonely and depressing.

He’s had to leave work early to tend to the needs of the kids.  Be on call for work several weekends plus dealing with meals, kid schedules and his own needed rest.  He does his own laundry and grocery shopping. He drops  off and picks up  kids from sports and often doesn’t get to stop till after 10 at night.  He is tired and lonely and he just wants to sleep in his own bed for more than 2 nights in a row.

And all through this I just keep asking ‘why?’  and ‘when? ‘   I just want to know when it will be over.  I just want to stay home with ALL of us for an indefinite period of time and know that when I wake up he’ll be there.  I am being selfish, I know.   I want all of this ” family ” stuff that others speak of:  Sunday dinners, walks in the evening,  laundry folding while watching a movie and the busy-ness of a door opening and closing regularly because teenagers have friends and a life. This is all I want.  It’s been too long.

A Response to Laptop-Shooting-Angry-Dad {Grace}

As of this morning a YouTube video posted last week has now over 25million views. You may have seen it~or if you haven’t, you might want to check it out.

 

I watched this on Tuesday after seeing many friends and family post it to Facebook.  Many of the comments indicated to me that this might be something that would make me laugh, be excited about or want to do a bunch of cyber-highfives to.

Clearly, I’ve never hidden my expectation that my kids are respectful people who do their fair share of work and responsibilities and so I went into the watching of this video probably a bit on the side of the dad before ever having watched it.

I have to say, it was hard for me to get through it all.  I did not feel excited, happy or gleefully ”on side with Daddy’”.  Rather, I felt sick, sad and hurt for him and his daughter.   I cringed as I got through the entire 8 minute rant.  Don’t get me wrong; I totally understand where he’s coming from.  In fact, I’ve been exactly where he is.  Exactly.  I have 4 kids, 2 of whom are now over 16 and we have walked through these waters of disrespect, whining and complaining about duties, FB inappropriateness and public humiliation.  I have 2 more kids coming up in these ranks soon and I have learned something: your kids are fragile.

In fact, their fragility escalates during the formative teen years.  Some kids are more resilient and take their hormone changes in stride but others fight it and struggle for years with boundaries, emotions and feelings of being taken for granted.  I get this teenage daughter.  I feel for her. I’ve been there~both on the receiving end as a parent and on the end of the teen.  She is hurting and she is offended.  Maybe she didn’t handle it well.  How many teen girls do?  Maybe she could have taken a better approach in talking to her parents about her stresses(or perceived stresses) and any unfairness that she feels is being directed her way.  But hear me on this: Teenagers today are not us.  They have not grown up in the world that we grew up in and they have an exponential amount of social pressure that we never had.

Facebook, as much as I love it, is a toxic world for teenage girls.  There is a certain amount of anonymity on there which leads a lot of people to feel they can spout off at any time without fear of repercussion.  Unfortunately for young girls, there are a lot of repercussions, not the least of which is realizing that your hormonal rant given in the heat of the moment will haunt you for the rest of your life because you lacked the self control to wait for a clearer head and more guarded tone with your parents.

Let me just say this to all the parents out there who have not ever had to deal with a child that has acted out in this way or to the parents whose kids are still young and think it will ” never” happen on your watch:  Put yourself in her shoes.  No, I didn’t say pretend this happened in 1985 with YOUR parents, in YOUR house and the way YOU were raised…put YOURSELF in HER shoes.  Pretend you are her, right now with YOU as her parent and her current life as your own.  With her friends, her school, her workload and her consequences.  How would you feel if your dad went on YouTube, smoking his cigarette, full of swagger and attitude(I actually kind of felt like he was nervous and pretty upset too), reading what YOU thought was private and for your friends only.  How would you feel knowing your dad had been on your Facebook account reading everything you had in your inbox?   And now, consider how you would feel, going to school the next day, facing all of your friends, your peers, the kids who already hate you, condescending teachers and unsympathetic family.  Can you imagine?  I cannot fathom the depths of despair this young girl must be in.  And please don’t confuse my sympathy for her with what she wrote.  But seriously, this dad has damaged an already fragile relationship with his daughter.  He is possibly going to regret this more in the future than she will regret ever ranting in the first place.

Dads, Moms,  show your kids the grace that you would expect to be shown.  Yes, you need to discipline, ground and take away privileges.  Yes, there are consequences for what our kids do on FB and in public.  But they are kids and they have their whole lives ahead of them.  We have already established our reputations; our shoulders are broader and we tend to bounce back fairly quickly from embarrassing situations.  A 15 year old girl could be damaged and scarred for life over a “lesson” her dad thought he was teaching her.

I am praying for this family.  I am praying for reconciliation, redemption and grace.  I am not laughing or high-fiving.  I am sad.  And it makes me more upset with all of the people who think this is worthy of praise for this dad. 25million and growing.  It’s no wonder our kids feel alienated, unloved and screwed over.

• And just as a quick note about Facebook and teens: all of my kids are on FB.  The conditions for us in our house BEFORE they got their accounts was this: They MUST be friends with us, their parents.  If they are going to post things that they would not want us to see or read, then clearly they are not ready to be on Facebook.
• They must let their friends know that profanity and inappropriate photos will not be tolerated.
• We regularly go through their friend lists: no person is approved as a friend unless they know them in a personal, face-to-face way.  Friends are only friends if they are people we would have over to our house and are pouring positive support into our lives.
• FB can be taken away at any time , for any reason if attitudes or actions show they can’t be responsible online
• At any time I, or their dad, should be able to look in their inbox(with them present) and read any or all messages. Meaning…don’t be bashing friends or family in public OR in private.

It works for us. Our kids have done well and don’t actually post a lot anyways.  And we’ve managed to at least prevent any embarrassing or life-long baggage from coming back to haunt anyone.

 

To the dad in the video: Give your daughter a hug, humble yourself and tell her you are sorry and that you over-reacted in a way that was inappropriate for you and for her.  Tell her that  YOU crossed a line in her privacy and your respect for her. And no matter what she does or says OR posts in the future, you will love her unconditionally and always be that soft place for her to land in a harsh and unforgiving world.

Preparing for February 14 {This might not be what you think}

February 14 does not mean the same thing to me as it does to most of you. For my entire life, it has been a special day but not because of red hearts, roses and chocolates. You will have to wait a couple of days to find out why.

However, the greater population of the developed world puts a whole lot of emphasis AND money on this day to profess love to their friends, family and even the odd un-requited love story.  Sappy-ness seems to take over the airwaves on radio and TV.  Walking into any store you are bombarded with red, pink; stuffed, sweet and pricey.

Meh.  I’m good without all that. In fact, if you’re one of these women who forces her husband or boyfriend to show up with some fancy piece of jewelry that he can’t afford, doesn’t really want to give you or feels obligated to give…you and I probably aren’t going to be friends.

If you’re the kind of lady who absolutely won’t accept grocery store roses, cardboard box chocolates and a dollar store card…well, we’re pretty likely not to be friends.  If the success of Valentine’s Day is measured in dollars spent and high expectations for fancy dinners and lots of hype we FOR SURE will never be friends.  I just can’t stomach all of that pressure.  I feel bad for guys who look so lost in department stores looking for “THAT THING” that’s going to make the woman swoon. I want to go up to them and tell them “if she’s really worth it, just give her your heart” .  Because, isn’t that what Valentine’s Day is?  Isn’t that why little 8 year old boys colour their best heart-shaped card and sneak it to the little freckled girl in the 2nd row?   Love.  Hmmmmm.

I can confidently say that I have never put that sort of pressure on my husband , nor would I ever want to. It is JUST AS MUCH my duty to go out of my way for him and show him love and honor and respect regardless of what I may or may not get in return.  Love should be given freely, without strings attached, without expectations, without the promise of any return on investment.  Love makes your heart swell and gives you energy.  It doesn’t knock you down and punch you again for getting the WRONG size, WRONG colour, WRONG style, WRONG price tag.  And it shouldn’t make you worry for rejection.

Our Valentine’s Day history is varied. I have to say, my husband does a better job at surprising and woo-ing me than I do to him.  He has ordered roses to be delivered while he was away in Africa(that was pretty extravagant I must say).  He has left me little notes and small gifts that have little to no value or meaning to anyone else but meant the world to me.  One year while away, he had pre-purchased a cheesey department store gimmicky toy: 2 monkeys on a motorcycle singing “I’m just a love machine and I won’t work for nobody but you”…that one made me laugh.    Some years, I get nothing and I give nothing and you know what? I still love him. He still loves me. No one has their nose out of joint.  We don’t worry about it, dwell on it~it doesn’t define our marriage or our love.

This year, money is tighter than it’s been in years.  Distance has separated us to the point where there won’t be any surprises.  It’s not going to affect our relationship.  If anything, distance has pushed us to be more careful with the time we have together.  We also text a whole lot more~little love snipits throughout the days.   Keeping our love fresh and growing is all we need. Cards, flowers, jewelry and chocolates may mean something to other people but I much prefer the feeling of seeing my husband walk through the door at the end of a long day of work.

I would take lying beside him in bed every night for the rest of my life over  getting roses again.  I will cherish his voice, his touch, his embrace, his laugh over and above any sentimental poem, card or love token.  For us, love is real.  Love is not a package.  Love is not a toy.  Love cannot be measured by a dollar value or the number of stars behind a restaurant listing.

Valentine’s Day…..it’s February 14.  It’s not the end or the beginning of love .  It’s just a day and you can make it just as special as any other day if you tell the one you love how much they mean to you.

Day 30~ Love Unconditionally {What You Have To Lay Down For Love}

Over the past 30 days I’ve been participating with over 700 other bloggers to post about one topic over the entire month. I admit that when I began I wasn’t really set on my topic: Loving Your Family.  I should have been broader…or maybe more specific. I’m not sure. I’d do it differently though.  And, actually, it’s quite hard to  do. I did miss a few days which I intended to make up for…but, well, that’s not going to happen.   Through it all, I’ve been loving my family through a series of small crises.  In our house, there’s always drama. But this month has been fraught with more than I’d care to share.  For the most part, I’ve kept my family out of this conversation. Mostly because teenagers don’t much appreciate their dirty laundry being aired for all the world to read.(And can I blame them?)  But now that we are to the end of this topic, I’d like to talk to myself.  If you want to listen in, that’s fine.  But this is for me.

I’ve always thought that I understood love.  REAL love.  Maybe I’m naive or maybe I’m just not thinking hard enough about it, but love is tough.  It’s not romantic and calm.  It doesn’t fit the mold that I thought it would.  Love takes work.  Lots of work.  Love takes sacrifice~ more than I even know at this point in my life.  Love hurts.  And love rewards.

Yesterday, I watched a video.  I knew the story behind it years ago but I had avoided watching the video knowing it would reduce me to a puddle of mush.  It did.  I was sobbing.  Tears flowed.  I could not contain the swelling of my heart.  Love broke the mold.

Watch:

 

Are you crying yet?  I can’t stop.  It’s unconditional love.  The kind of love that gets up early in the morning when all you want to do is sleep. Love that gently rocks a baby back to sleep for the 10th time this night.   A love that holds the forehead of not one child, but 4 all through the night as they fight a stomach flu so that their dad can sleep and be okay for work in the morning.

Love hurts your muscles; carrying a too-tall child up the stairs to their bed because they have fallen asleep on the couch.

Love hurts your heart; watching your daughter’s heart be broken for the first time because she’s not ready to give her heart away.

Love hurts your time; you cannot watch that TV show or read that book tonight because someone needs help with their homework.

Love hurts your wallet~ yes. It does.

What are you willing to lay down for love?  If you say you love unconditionally and are willing to sacrifice then what will you lay down?

Are you patient with your kids and your spouse? Are you kind? Do you envy them or their position? Are you too proud to sit at their volleyball game for 3 hours and cheer even though your daughter isn’t likely to play more than 3 minutes?   Do you dishonor them by talking about the dumb thing they did last week to your friends?   Are you short-tempered and do you tend to bring up their past mistakes just to rub it in?

1 Corinthians 13(also known as the Love chapter) says this:

           4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 ⁸ Love never fails.

LOVE NEVER FAILS. EVER.  You keep going even when you want to quit.  You hug when you want to walk away. You show grace and mercy when all you want to do is punish.   LOVE NEVER FAILS.

Failing to love your family is not an option. It doesn’t mean you’re perfect~ it just means you’ll get back up and try again.

 

Day 27~ Life Interrupted

What do you do when you had a plan but your family has other plans?  What do you do when what you want to do is at the bottom of the list of what everyone else wants you to do?

Well, if you’re a mom and wife like me~ you change your plans; modify, redirect.  Seems that that has been my life for the better part of last week.  Don’t worry, I’m not complaining.  I’m just letting you know that Days 22-26 are lost out there between my intentions to get them posted and the reality of my life.

I often said that if I ever write a book it will be called: “I Got Distracted on My Way to Heaven” because, well, that’s sort of how I roll.  The best laid out intentions to BE intentional, have goals, fulfill them and progress towards the ultimate goal of “Well done, my good and faithful servant”…you know, it just doesn’t always happen that way.

Last night, I got caught up in a NEW hobby.  Like I really need another one. But that’s how I am. I love to do things. I’m a do-er.  The problem is, there’s so much other stuff to do outside of MY to-do list that I never seem to get my stuff done.  And I always tell myself that I can’t do the fun stuff till the needed stuff gets done.  *big huge sigh*  The needed stuff is NEVER done.  And so….fun stuff awaits.

Do you ever feel like your to-do list is so long that it will never be done?  Do you ever wonder if you’re just spinning your wheels and not going anywhere?   Let’s make a pact today; you and me, to DO something for our families and then DO something we really want to do.  Maybe it’s as simple as a bubble bath or maybe it’s as elaborate as starting to make your Christmas cards or sew a quilt!  Whatever it is, you’ll probably feel better about all of the to-do stuff when you’ve given yourself a little incentive of want-to stuff.

Day 18~We have a Situation {Pretty Girls and the Boys Who want to Date Them}

My beautiful daughters and my husband.

I have beautiful daughters.  When they were babies they were beautiful, when they were toddlers they were cute and when they started to grow up , I knew we’d have a problem.  The problem is this: Boys like pretty girls.  I was not a pretty girl~ I was the awkward, looking for my own style(actually, I had no style and could have cared less) kind of girl that boys just want to be friends with.  That’s okay, I was good with that.  But now, I have 3 daughters.  Two of them old enough for the boys to be pursuing.  I need a bigger gun. I need more guns.  I need something more intimidating than my disapproving mother look(which I use far too much for my own liking).

We have a rule in our house: no dating.  Period.  And I don’t have this rule because I’m mean or because all boys are bad(most of them have less than noble intentions).  I have these rules because I dated a boy(I’m married to him now).  When I dated him , we were both out of high school but we were still driven by a lot of hormonal desire. I had no idea how quickly a guy can go from being your friend to wanting to get your clothes off.  And just so we get something straight here~ I was the “good girl”.  There was no 3rd base or even 2nd base in our courtship. This is the reason for short engagements: you like him, he likes you~ you love him, he loves you~ you want to marry him, he asks…let’s go.  That’s the way it was for us.  

But back to my girls: No dating, we’ve made that abundantly clear.  And I’ve explained it to my girls this way: If a boy wants to date you now, when you’re 13, 14, 15, what are his intentions?  Does he want a companion? Does he want to show off a pretty girl on his arm in the school hallways? Does he want a girl wearing his football jacket at games? Does he want you to come for Sunday dinner to hang out with his parents? What does he want to date you for? Well, they can never answer that question.  And the reason they can’t answer that is because the boys can’t answer it either! 

This past weekend, my 13  year old told me about a boy at school who has been hounding her to “go out with him”.  Hold the phones!!!  She’s THIRTEEN!!! She hasn’t been on the planet long enough to listen to cassette tapes or know what a rotary phone is! She doesn’t remember Y2K or life before Hannah Montana.  SHE IS A CHILD.(it’s okay, I’ve cleared this with her).   And what’s worse, is the boy on the hunt is in Grade 10~ 2 years older.  I realize for some of you reading this , this seems rather insignificant and probably innocent.  Let me paint a picture for you:

 A boy(he is not a man) over Facebook has asked now at least 3 times this question: “Will you go out with me?”  What does that mean?  Where I come from “going out” means we’re actually going somewhere. So, I pressed my daughter, “Where does he want to go out?”  Her answer is typical:”Well, he doesn’t want to go anywhere. That just means he wants us to be a couple at school.  Mom, no one goes out on dates anymore~ it’s just school-dating.”

Hmmm. School Dating.  How lame.  Sad, isn’t it? That these young people have taken a sacred institution like dating and reduced it to hallway hand-holding and after-school hook-ups.  Ooops. Hook ups? What?  Oh yes.  Let’s get at the heart of this:  These boys like a pretty girl on their arms.  They like the status of being able to “get” a girl and be “in a relationship”. But most of them don’t know the first thing about relationships, commitment, sharing and caring, sacrifice or love.  In fact, none of that is on their radar or agenda. The only thing they care about is having their raging-hormonal-needs satisfied. And most of them don’t really understand what that’s all about . All they know is that the guys in their  class are “doing it” and obviously that’s just what you do. Right? I mean, if you have a NEED , you fill it.  Right? Come on, get with the program.  

I’ve been accused of many things. But the thing that really gets my goat is when other mothers call me unrealistic, naive and unfair when I ban my kids from dating.  It has happened more times than I can even express. So many parents have just rolled over on this issue.  They have traded the boundaries of appropriate teenage boy/girl contact for a whatever-may-come attitude. They have given into the puppy dog eyes that their daughters give them or they have never set a boundary in the first place. Most parents just think that dating is a part of growing up and so it is to be expected.  But that is so wrong.  Dating is serious business. Dating is the first step to marriage.  It involves emotions and feelings of the heart. It grapples with mature situations like physical touch, sexual stimulation and broken hearts.  No 13, 14 or 15 year old should be dealing with those issues. They’re still growing for goodness’ sake!! Many of them haven’t even gone through puberty.  And now we have 11 and 12 year olds trying to wade these waters too.(My 11 year old has told me what’s going on in her class too).  

I’ve seen the hurt and heartbreak. Our oldest daughter thought she could handle it. She didn’t tell us because she knew we’d disapprove.  When she was barely 14 a boy asked her out. She said no. He did not relent. Even after she told him that we had rules in our house and why we had rules he continued.  Within a couple of weeks he was hand-holding and kissing her in the hallways. Every girl loves the attention of boy and so she kept her secret.  That is, until her mother walked into the school one day and saw.  Let’s just say that an animal instinct came over me.  In my coolest(not so cool), calmest(not very calm), quietest(not quiet at all) voice I approached them and told him to remove his greasy hand from my daughter.  I also told him that if he ever touched her again, I would touch him.  Oh yes I did.  There were teachers and students who just stood and stared.  There was no sound. I actually don’t remember much. I do know that I e-mailed the creep and told him to back off(because he needed more than one reminder) or I would have him looking for protective body-guards.  Maybe I didn’t handle it well and certainly my daughter was mortified and embarrassed.  The good that came out of this was:  

• My daughter realized that all the times I told her I was everywhere and knew what was going on, became a bold new reality for her. 
• She got a reputation in school for the girl who was untouchable(but it did take a few guys a little longer to learn)
• We, the parents, gained new respect with the teaching staff and other parents for doing what they knew they should do but didn’t know how
• She realized that he wasn’t all he said he was when he spread rumours, tormented her and ultimately took up with other girls telling them the same things he told her: “you’re the only one” “I love you” “I’ll wait for you”

I’m so thankful that we caught it before something more than kissing happened.  But I’m sad that her first kiss is no longer special. I’m sad that a boy who couldn’t take no for an answer robbed her of a special moment.  And I’m sorry that her first experience with dating was without her parents’ knowledge or consent.  

 Nearly 2 years later, she has come to realize that boys in school are after 2 things: status and sex.  And when they get bored with one or the other, they shake off the old and pick up a new toy.   For most of them, the new lasts maybe 1,2 or even up to 6 months. But unless the boy is getting regular sex, he’s likely to drop a girl very quickly.  

Can I believe I’m discussing this? No, not really. It’s surreal.  I am sad for this generation of young kids who are trying to grow up way too fast in bodies that are not ready to be grown up, with minds that are no where capable of processing the magnitude of the choices they’re making. 

My 13 year old’s suitor is persistent.  I will give him that.  He has tried several times now to get my daughter to agree to “go out” with him. Here’s a pointer, little boy:  WHEN you’ve grown up enough to be able to have a job that can pay for dinner out at a nice restaurant and can drive to pick up my daughter and bring her home safely, you can then approach ME and tell me WHY it is you want to DATE her. Not “go out”.  If you cannot, or will not do this , then you are not ready to date my daughter or anyone else’s for that matter. And furthermore, don’t be a wiener and ask her out on Facebook!! If you can’t talk to her to her face, you are not ready to be in a real relationship.  Oh, and one more thing: How many kids do you want to have? And how will you support them? Because, as far as I’m concerned, those are two questions you need the answers to before you start to date.  

Ya, I’m like that.  My daughters are not some boy’s property.  They are not the latest tool on the shelf~ ready to try out and test.  They are beautiful, awesome , creative PEOPLE who deserve guys who want to see them succeed in their dreams and goals.  They deserve men who want to hold them when they cry, tend to them when they’re sick, love them , cherish them and grow in a relationship through all the good times and bad times.  And none of that includes sexual gratification. Sex is the bonus for doing all of this FIRST.  Sex is the icing on the wedding cake for committing your life to your wife.  If only the boys on Facebook loved my daughters as much as I do.

Oh, and Facebook boy: One more tip~ If a girl tells you that her parents don’t condone dating at her age, that would be your first and only clue to drop it. Unless, of course, you enjoy being publicly humiliated in the school in front of all your peers. I mean, if you enjoy that sort of thing, by all means….keep at it. I’m quite comfortable making you feel like the small, pathetic creep that you are. 

Day 17~ Instilling a LOVE of Work in your kids

Okay, so I’m preaching to myself here.  I’m sure you’ve had those moments where you realize that you goofed. Like , big time.  We came by it honestly but the reality of our bad parenting is threatening us at this very moment: work ethic.

I grew up in a house where my mother would throw open the curtains Saturday mornings, crank up her record collection of the The Rambos or The Statler Brothers  and expect us up and at it in short order.  Saturdays were work days. In the spring, raking and yard clean up.  In the summer, mowing.  In the fall, cleaning out storage, purging and prepping for winter.  And there was always laundry, floors and windows to wash and all sorts of other jobs.  My mom expected the work done her way and on her timeline. She set the timer on the stove and there was no way we were to go over.  That was one thing with my mom: do it right, do it in the time allotted or……be warned.  It wasn’t worth it then to discuss consequences and it’s not worth it now.  Mother spoke, we listened. End.OF. Story.

Beyond learning to respect and obey my mom, we were learning how to work hard.  And not just hard; we were learning that when someone expects you to do something, you don’t question why or how, you just do it and you do it well~ to the specifications laid out for you.  (What a terrible run on sentence!eek!)

My kids often ask me why they need to know what arthropods are, why they need to know how to calculate square roots, or why they have to do a fitness test in phys ed every quarter.  My simple answer to them: because you need to know how to work hard and finish what’s been assigned. (even though I disagree with much of what is assigned in school, I agree with the premise of teaching kids to complete projects and do their best).

Sadly, there are fewer and fewer parents who demand excellence and a finished product/job out of their kids.  My husband’s company is busy~ too busy. They have had 2 guys quit in the past 3 days.  Why? Because they don’t want to work so hard for 8 hours a day. They would rather go up the road to work for the union(for $3 LESS per hour) just because the union guys tend to have 4-5 guys to do what one man should be doing. They take more breaks, for longer.  I had one guy tell me last week that his friend just started into the electrical apprenticeship program in his mid-30′s . He’s answering to guys 8-15 years younger than him.  But he puts up and shuts up. He recently went to union jobsite because there was more work and what he thought would be a better experience.  Turns out that the guys gave him a very hard time the first week because he was “working too hard” and not taking as many breaks.  They told him that he was making them look bad.  He said, “well aren’t we here to work?”.  He finally quit after a couple of months because he was not raised to “not work” like that.  In the end he figured that they were putting in 4-5 hours of work in an 8 hour day. Sad.  This is what our society has become.

The “Occupy” protests that have been making their way from Wall Street to other major cities in North America have really bothered me. I really don’t know if most of the people “protesting” know what they’re actually protesting about.  The fact is this: You may be jealous or think it unfair that a CEO gets to sit in a really nice office all day and make millions of dollars for doing it but consider this~ He sits in a chair, made in  a factory.  That factory line consists of people who would not have jobs if it weren’t for his need of the chair.  His office was built by tradesmen: carpenters, steel workers, brick layers, plumbers and electricians.  None of them would have work if there weren’t buildings to build, CEOs with offices needed, stores to house the stuff you buy….it goes on and on and on.

Every job is needed.  Every job has value.  But every worker is replaceable.  Teaching our kids that they need to take pride in the work they do and the time taken to do it is one of the very most important lessons of life. I often tell my kids that they will feel better about themselves if they’ve worked hard all day, through blood, sweat and tears knowing they’ve done their best and what is required of them. That is a good days’ work.  And it doesn’t have to have a dollar value attached to it.

The LOVE of a good work ethic is fulfilling and life-skill in high demand.  Teach it to your kids; I’m teaching mine.