The Hard Things

It gets harder every day.  Climbing this mountain. Out of breath, weak and exhausted. And I wonder out loud, ” does this mean we’re going the right direction? Because it’s so hard? Or does this mean we give up, turn around and go back from where we came?”

Mt.Everest climbers are a burly bunch.  Well, they have to be, right? How does one relish the thought of looking at the face of the tallest, harshest peak on the planet and not run scared the other way, never to turn back?  How do they stare it down and force their feet one step further?  Slap on the oxygen tank? Ready the gear, engage the safety harness and press forward~ I’d be white with fear before I ever was white with frostbite.

Preparation is key.  No one just wakes up one day and decides they’re going to climb a mountain. Any mountain…least of all the tallest peak.  No, you will spend months and years preparing your body, your gear and your mind.  You will study and learn and practice and ……….fail.  You will fail before you succeed.  You might fall, break a leg, lose some confidence, lose your mind, get frustrated, lose money….fail.  Failure is a part of the journey.  Without failure on the small mountains, you won’t have  a hope on the large ones.   Failure is the catalyst to success.  Failure is that unseen, unheard friend that will show you where you are weakest.  Failure will point out the flaws in your plans and in your gear.  Failure will get you off your high horse and onto solid ground.

Failure.

The thing about failure is that it’s hard.  And it’s painful.  And it’s humbling.

I am humbled by the fact that we weren’t prepared, we didn’t know some things that we should have known and we didn’t learn from past mistakes. Humility and weakness are friends too.  They force you to your knees.

I have learned , through all of the hard things, that I still have my faith. I still believe.

As the Sherpa-guide leads the climber up Everest,  so too does God lead us up our mountain.  He’s the one with the extra oxygen tank and the heated tent for rest.  He’s the guy who holds us up when we’re about ready to fall.  He’s the one with the answers and the way out, even though it’s too cloudy and stormy for us to see.

He’s the Guide and He knows this mountain because He’s been here a thousand times before.  He’s not scared of what’s ahead because He’s already been there.

I don’t really understand mountain climbers and their zest for the dangerous climb.  I can’t relate to the risk factors that they knowingly walk into daily.  But I can appreciate all of the years of preparation they take to make that ONE mountain top their victory summit.

I’m not enjoying the climb.  I have wanted to turn back many times. I’m almost ready to give up.

Abraham never gave up, even though he never did see the promised land.  He never gave up on believing that God would provide him with an heir, even though he was old with age.

David, when he was just  a boy, took on an entire army when he could have packed his bags and went home.

Ruth and Esther, Daniel and Noah, Paul and Timothy………they all had every reason to give up, give in, walk away……

But they did the HARDEST things in the shadow of the loneliest valleys… because they believed.

I still believe and I’m still climbing. Until the day I die and someone pulls me off this mountain, I will keep going.

Tebow and Weakness.{Some Answers to Your Questions}

In case you’re not up to speed on all things “Tebow”, I can’t help you. He’s a quarterback for the Denver Broncos of the NFL, a born-again Christian who is bold about his faith and an all round great guy.  He’s also the most criticized athlete around right now because he defers all glory to God and not himself.  And he’s also been rated as a not-so-great player. And yet, he wins.  You’ll have to Google him and find out the rest.  The reason I mention him is because to my shock and horror, my husband didn’t know who  or what I was referring to when I asked him if he was watching Tebow.  Shock because my husband is an NFL fanatic and knows more about the teams and players than anyone I know and Horror because the fact that he doesn’t know *Tebow* made me concerned for his mental and physical health.  This, my friends is our life.  Missing out on things we love.

And before anyone gets the braniac idea to chastise for “liking” football or feeling like we’re missing out, please do me a favor and consider all the things you do “just because”. There are many.   A hot bath. Reading the morning paper by an eastern sunny window.  A game of Wii tennis.  Hockey Night in Canada.  Your favorite TV show on Wednesday nights.   There’s TONS of little things each of us do every day just because we can~ just because we want to.  And there’s nothing wrong with that.

 

 But consider this:

My husband has not slept in his own bed for more than 2 nights in a row in the past 5 months. In fact, he has only slept in his own bed with me for less than 20 nights in the past 5 months.  Add to that that he has not watched one entire NFL game at all this season. Not one.  He has missed 95% of the Flames games and the ones he has managed to watch have not been seen from start to finish.  He hasn’t gone out to coffee with any friends except for 2 or 3 times since moving to Regina.  He hasn’t been invited to any of his “friends” house to watch football, hockey or just hang out.  He’s been attending the same church for the past several months but hasn’t really connected with any group there.

 

I tell you all of this so that you understand.  Understand that this is not easy for any of us, especially him. He loves his job~ he is finally able to put into practice all of the things he has learned over the past 20 years on the job.  His boss is amazingly generous and supportive.  However, at the end of the day, when all he wants to do is head home to his wife’s home cooking and family time, he is instead running kids to various sports and other commitments.  On at least 3 nights of the week it is 10 p.m. before he gets to kick back and relax. But hang on, he isn’t living in his own house so he can’t just pull on his PJs and watch some TV. He is in someone else’s home and therefore, TV watching is limited to what is already on.

 

Some have asked why he isn’t renting.  This is a loaded question. In August, our house had already been on the market for 6 weeks so we figured it was only a matter of time before it would sell.  Financially, we were in no position to pay for rent on top of our mortgage payment, utility bills plus all the extra travel expenses of him driving home weekends(have I mentioned it’s a 5 hour drive one direction?).  With our son starting grade 12, we wanted him to begin school where he would graduate. For as many times as people have questioned the wisdom of this decision, let me say, it’s been the best thing for him. My husband has company but my son also is involved in things he loves at his school . However, it’s still a hardship without a mom around.    But this brings back the question of renting. Sure, there may be advantages but there are so many variables: furniture for a rental(if they take their beds then they have none here for when they come home), space for the 3 of them(my daughter is there too in grade 11)~ can’t really have the guys sharing a room as my husband is a light sleeper and goes to bed early and has to be up for work early. Can’t really have son and daughter share a room for obvious reasons.  So, finding a 3 bedroom is more challenging, more expensive, more complicated.

 

Others have asked why we don’t rent out our acreage and then move to the city to rent a house.  The location of our acreage is not desirable for renters.  Plus we would need to charge a significant amount to cover the costs.  Where would all of our stuff go? To rent a house in Regina for the  6 of us is well over $2000 plus utilities.  What about our animals? I haven’t found any houses that will allow dogs or cats.  So, we shoot the dogs, let the cats fend for themselves, pack everything up, try to find a place to accommodate us and then what?    Our house is either not being looked at or not being cared for in a way that we would do it in order to sell and therefore we lose money in the end.  Trust me, I’ve thought this through and we’ve been through it already with our Alberta place taking 16 months to sell.   There are no easy answers.  Financially, we are backed into a corner and the only thing we can do is wait.    The kids are all fairing pretty well in their respective schools and house situations but I can see the cracks forming.  Their involvement in their sports and extracurricular activities is something that keeps them grounded and focused but it is also restricting our flexibility to see each other regularly.  Commitments to clubs and organizations has meant that there are many weekends where it does not work for us to meet up.  That and travel time have us all exhausted.  

 

The mental and emotional toll alone on me and my husband have reduced us both to tears on many occasions.  We don’t have a family of little kids anymore. When they are all under 12 you can very easily control where everyone is going and what activities to be involved in.  Very often , the fact that you have little ones means you’re meeting up with other moms in the nursery at church, parents groups at school, playdates, etc.  But when your kids are teens , that all changes. They have different interests and obligations. Their homework load alone is very restricting especially during term and semester finals.  I can’t just pull my kids out of school for 3 or 4 days.  We’ve done it a couple of times and the back log of homework and catching up is ridiculous.   

So, we(the parents) are not meeting people because we’re just trying to keep our kids’ lives afloat.  

We’re not spending time together(although a lot of texting and phoning in the evenings is happening).

We don’t have routine~ you should see my house! It’s a chaotic mess.

We don’t have an agenda~ all we do is wait each day for someone to buy our house.  We can’t even look for a new one because all the ones we’ve looked at have sold. 

We weren’t prepared for this journey to take so long otherwise the kids would all be with me(and my two oldest are SO thankful we didn’t know because they were miserable in their school here). 

We say “if only”….and “we should have” and  ”maybe” and “what next” a lot.    We have no answers.  

But Jesus does and this is what HE says: 

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 1 Corinthians 12:9-10

 

So, I’m going to boast about my weaknesses.  I’m boasting that we were ill prepared, irresponsible, ill-equipped and uneducated.  I will boast that all of our screw ups are the perfect, most holy, annointed place for Jesus to show up and show all of us how great He is and how He can take this tangled mess of our lives and do something awesome with it!(kind of like how the rest of the world looks at Tim Tebow)

Yes, I’m totally weak.  And that’s why, I’m strong.

Disappointed~ But I still Believe

I’m not gonna lie: I’m disappointed.  Big time.  I’m actually disappointed that I’m SO disappointed.  I thought my faith was stronger.  Well, it is strong, just not strong enough to NOT be disappointed that I feel no further ahead in this journey than I was 5 months ago.

For a re-cap:

Our family moved from Alberta just over a year ago. It took the better part of 16 months to sell our Alberta acreage , all the while carrying another mortgage here in Saskatchewan.  The job my husband had lined up fell through and trying to make a business thrive here on the open prairie proved to be a challenge we were not up for nor capable of doing.  So, in the summer we made a decision to give up country living and move back to our roots in Regina.  My husband got a job~ a good one and we were making plans to move.  With our two oldest entering grades 11 and 12 we had to decide if they would start school here and move mid-way through the school year or start in the school they would finish in. We opted for choice number 2 but that came with the restrictions of housing, transportation and all of that.  Here we are 3 months into the school year and one kid is living with my husband at my mom’s and another kid is living with a family from the school.  It is not ideal but everyone has a bed and food.

The complications at this point are mounting.  Stress is obvious on my husband’s face. He is very busy but trying to juggle his work with the kids’ school schedules and needs.  He’s not used to all the running around and obligations that schools require of parents plus the added stresses of a daughter in competitive figure skating.  These are all the things I typically look after and should be looking after.  Which brings me to my stress: guilt.

Of all the emotions and feelings I thought I’d be dealing with, guilt was not on my radar.  I feel guilt because I’m in my own home, with my own things, my own routines and space. I get to sleep in my own bed, cuddle with my dogs and cats, cook what I want when I want and watch whatever on TV whenever I feel like it.  My husband and my kids can not.  And they’re all showing signs of homesickness and worry about how long this is taking.  I feel bad.  And I’m disappointed.  Disappointed that we didn’t take more time to walk through the what-ifs  of not selling right away.  Disappointed that as much as I trust God’s plan, I don’t like how He’s going about it.   Disappointed that I can’t pray my way out of this situation or have enough faith to not be stressed or worried about it.

Disappointment happens more times than I care to share.  In fact, I’ve stopped sharing with friends and family all of the times that we’ve been let down by people, let down by promises, let down by banks and lawyers and all of the things that should have been easy and over with but are still not over with.  Disappointed.  So , so disappointed.

And I don’t want to be but I am.  How long will we wait? We don’t have a choice.  We can’t buy until we sell.  We can’t move until we sell. We can’t be a family until we sell.  Everything hinges on selling and selling is not happening.  I’ve had one showing in 4.5 months.  ONE.

So here I am, in my own house, with my own things and I’m disappointed.  I should be grateful.  I should be thankful…and for some of it, I am.  But it is with guilt and disappointment that I thank God that I am here and ask Him why I’m not there.

You see, I’m not perfect.  And I can’t figure out all of this stuff of faith.  Faith is a choice.  I choose it.  But it doesn’t come without sacrifice and a great amount of letting go.  I’ve let go of “my plan”.  My plan is out the window.  It was out the window 3 months ago.  My plans don’t matter.  And that’s disappointing to me in my head but my heart understands that letting go and being disappointed are just the tools God uses to get me where He wants me: with nothing but Him to hold on to.

You might think that’s cruel and even heartless of God.  But for all the times I’ve been disappointed, there’ve been more times that I’ve been given Grace, shown Mercy and Provided for….by that same God who disappoints.

And yet…..I know that I still believe.  I believe because God, who promised Abraham that He would be the father of many generations, may take His time, but He always comes through.  He always resolves the unresolved.  He always redeems the unredeemed and He always answers…just not always right now.  This is a season.  And seasons come and go.  If the Israelites can wander the desert for 40 years and still get to the Promised Land, then I can go for however many months it takes..and still have my home and family under one roof.

I am not alone.  Disappointment is everywhere.  In fact, this year, I’ve had more friends and family go through major disappointments than any other year I can remember.  Mothers told that they cannot conceive another child because of disease, jobs taken from hard-working individuals with no warning and no compensation.  Miscarriages and premature deliveries leaving families weeping at the graves of infants.  Marriages crumbling, fathers dying, catastrophic injuries~ all setting families on new courses, new paths that they never anticipated, never planned for and have prayed desperately to be freed from.  Disappointment.  And yet, we all believe.  Our problems are great but God is greater.  And I cannot explain why I believe that or what keeps me going.  I just do.

I just do.

Revolution of Grace

How do I begin?

I’ve been thinking a lot about grace this week~ what it is, what it means.  And I was struck by something almost too obvious(it made me chuckle)~ my name’s literal meaning is “God’s gracious gift”.  I’ve known that my whole life.  Have I lived it? Not really.

Grace: a pleasing or attractive quality or endowment

                          favor or goodwill

                                         mercy; clemency; pardon

Wouldn’t we all like to be the recipients of grace?  The bearers of grace? The givers of grace?

When I hear “grace” I immediately get a reel of pictures whipping through my brain at lightning speed. In amongst those photos are my aunt, who died of breast cancer~ she lived grace; she exuded joy.  I see my daughters flowing effortlessly in their figure skating programs~ unaware that all eyes are on them.   I see my grandmothers hands folded in solemn prayer.  I see Ann.  I don’t know Ann personally , but I count her as my friend.  After reading her book One Thousand Gifts over and over I am just beginning to grasp what eucharisto really is: Our joy plus gratitude equals a life of grace. Powerful words~ a powerful concept.    And most recently, Grace has come to mean “Sara”.  I haven’t been reading her blog long and sadly, there won’t be any more blog posts from her.  Sara is dying.  You can read about it here.  In the arms of Jesus, she is laying her head down and He is healing her in his own perfect way.  Sara has chosen to live with joy instead of sadness and bitterness.  Housebound for the past 3 years she has managed to touch more people than most of us will ever really know.  In fact, in her dying, she is touching more lives.

You see, Sara has learned what most of us will never learn in our entire lives.  She has endured more pain in her frail body than a thousand men would put up with.  She has faced seclusion, loneliness, breathlessness.  In it all she has held on to Jesus.  As much as any one of us would have begged God~ pleaded and bartered, reasoned and whined….Sara has not.  Faith is not believing that you will get what you want when you want it.  Faith is believing that God’s wisdom and ways, His plans and provisions are enough for this moment and that He will see the working out of everything else in His time according to His will. It is tough. So tough especially when pain and death are part of the journey.  But know this: Sara has been fully aware of this walk she’s been taking with her Lord.  She has also been able to teach us all more about joy and grace and eternity than she ever could have in a whole, strong, healthy body.  We don’t always understand why God chooses who He does for tests and trials, but in this case I am more convinced than ever that He gave the world Sara for such a time as this.  Our world is in pain and dying. And we need to learn what it means to choose joy.

I have witnessed in these past few days and weeks a ground swell ~ a rumbling…it is coming from every corner of the earth.  Women standing together in prayer, across the miles ~ over the internet, on beaches, in hotels, in homes and in stadiums~ praying, singing praises and above all , giving thanks ~ you can get in on it here with the women of {in}courage

Something is stirring in the hearts of God’s people.  We are being awakened to a call.  A call to surrender, to have faith and to share grace.  Never before in my lifetime have I witnessed such a deep desire among God’s people to  love, care, share and live grace.  Never.  Until now.  We are on the verge of a revolution.  It is a revolution of grace.

 

~ listen to these songs~ Sara’s voice singing praises and thanks to her Heavenly Father: Who soon will be holding her in His everlasting arms~ you will be moved and touched and filled with grace.

Choosing joy~ like weeds on a sunny day: you pick it and it shines!

Sometimes I Cry

It isn’t hard for me these days to feel discouraged. Everywhere I look in my own life, in my family’s lives, in my community and world I find discontentment, sadness, loneliness and fear.  I sometimes want to crawl into a hole and never come out. Because, well, life is tough.  And it’s not fair.

Fair.

What is fair? As a mom, I often am called on to be the referee and judge. Someone has something that isn’t theirs and the owner wants it back.  Someone else wanted the last pizza pop in the freezer but so-and-so took it~ knowing full well it was already marked for consumption.  And yet another wants to know why “missy” got off with a warning when he was doled out punishment and a grounding.

Hmmm.

What can I say? Life isn’t always fair.  In fact, I don’t recall life EVER being fair. Parenting can really bring that into perspective like no other situation can. I love all my kids. But I will be the first to say that I love them differently. **gasps heard everywhere**  Let’s face it, we don’t love our kids the same. We don’t treat our kids the same.  We don’t punish them the same or give them gifts in the same manner or value.  And well, if you do….I don’t know what to say to that. We are all individuals. We have unique ideas, passions, feelings and thoughts.  I may have raised all 4 of my kids under the same roof , with the same foods and the same routines but I will tell you very clearly they are anything but the same!   Years ago, I remember being in my grandma’s house preparing for Christmas.  Grandma told me she was nearly done her shopping but had a couple of gifts left to get.  I will never forget our conversation.  She and Grandpa were expecting most of their grandkids home for Christmas that year.  At that time I think there were about 15 of us.  She wanted each kid to get a gift and I was surprised that they would go to that expense and trouble.  I said, “Grandma, we don’t need gifts; being here for Christmas is all that we need or want.”  And she told me then that I need not worry about the expense.  She said that she never worried about making sure she spent the same amount on each person. She simply bought a little token that would show her love and be unique to the grandchild receiving it.   We had a lengthy conversation on making sure that everything is fair and she laughed out loud~ life is not fair and it never will be; it’s best that you learn that early on.

My grandma taught me much that day.  I have never spent equal on my kids for birthdays , Christmases or back to school shopping!  My kids know that and it has never been an issue.  But, at the same time I have learned that it is not so easy to punish fairly.  The kid who learns nothing unless privileges are removed is clearly going to feel slighted when another child only needs to be told of their wrong-doings. Some kids you have to tell over and over …….and OVER again! Some only need to be told once.  Others make excuses and some simply deny.  And there never seems to be a fitting punishment for lying. *sigh*  It’s hard to make a child understand that you don’t love them less~ but you love them differently.  My mothering heart is full~ full of patience and impatience. Full of joy and sorrows.  Full of anger….yes, anger….and full of love.   The negative is only there to make me appreciate the positive and the positive isn’t so positive without the negative.  Does it make sense?  I don’t know.  But it sure makes me start to understand why there seems to be such a dichotomy in the Bible when God doles out punishment and love.  When His mercy seems endless on those who have done so much wrong and when the unfairness of his wrath is almost too painful to read.   Job knew this all too well.  A man who refused to curse God in the midst of so much loss.  Stripped down to nothingness~ lost without his children and his home~ bankrupt, burdened and sick. And yet…he praised.  And I don’t understand it………….but I do.

The story of Jacob and Esau is probably one of the most riveting in the whole Bible. Esau~should have received his father’s birthright but Jacob duped them both.  And God, knowing all of this , still blessed Jacob. Why? There are so many elements to this story. So many unanswered questions.  Jacob himself was duped into marrying Leah, the sister of Rachel, whom he loved more than anything. He ends up with them both~the one he wants and the one he doesn’t.  And at the end of the story we find the beginning of a nation~ Israel.  I am not a scholar and I do not understand why God would choose this man to be the namesake of His chosen people but maybe within that one act is a lesson to us all.  That God sees us, He knows us and He will use us when we are broken, bad, lonely, afraid, searching, sinning, lying, cheating and stealing~ He will meet us face to face.  He will restore relationships and lead us on journeys.  But it won’t be pretty and it probably won’t be fun. Oh, and it won’t be fair.  Perhaps that is what is really meant in 1 Samuel 16:6  But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     God does not look at the situation the way we do.  And I don’t look at any situation the same way as my kids.  It’s the whole rule about making a judgement call on a case by case basis.  Something that has been sadly lost in our “fair” and “equal” world.   I’m not saying that I always agree with God’s ways. But that’s why He is God and I am not.   I’m getting a bit frustrated with His methods~ I have no shame in saying that.  This is a conversation I have over and over and over with him……just like my kids do with me. *insert lightbulb here*  But I do know that at the end of my story, there will be a purpose, a moral, a truth~ I hope that there will be anyways.  

I have been asked recently , many times actually, if there’s something I need to confess? Like, do I have some unresolved issues with God.  Uhhh…..wow. All I can say is that I daily bring all that I am and all that I have to the Lord and I ask Him if He needs more from me, wants more from me, what can I do?  Sometimes, like a parent, I don’t think He’s really listening.  I mean, I’m trying here but it doesn’t seem to matter.  And sometimes the answer is just “wait”.  Or “soon”.  Or “it’s better that you don’t know everything right now”. And like an impatient, bratty adolescent I run to my bedroom, slam my door and scream into my pillow.  Because I want answers now….actually, no , that’s not right.  I want answers RIGHT NOW.  And I want them to be the nicely packaged, tidy answers that will make my life easy………and fair.  *sigh*  

I haven’t learned I guess.  I’ve been working on this concept for years now and I still haven’t got the kinks out of it.  This is the failure of the human spirit: We want what we want when we want it and we want it now.  Don’t tell me you haven’t been there.  It’s happened to us all , just on different topics.  You want a baby, and no baby ever comes.  You want a husband and he never shows up to the wedding you’ve been planning for 20 years. You want a better job, a new job, any job.  You don’t want cancer, you want your cancer healed, you want the cancer your child has so that she doesn’t have to go through the pain.  It’s hard.  I know.  Because everytime I turn around and think it’s going to be okay:  we’re moving on, our house will sell………….WHAM! there’s another obstacle, another heartache, another disappointment.  And I am discouraged.

disCOURAGEment

Between the DIS and the MENT…….is COURAGE.

Deuteronomy 31:6               Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     Where am I going with this?   What is the point? Well, the point is that sometimes , often, usually…life is not fair. But God is just and strong…….and HIS COURAGE goes before us , with us and behind us.  He pushes us, He holds us up, He even drags us…..into His presence.  It’s a rough and rocky road.  It is difficult.  But consider this: if your life was perfect, your kids were perfect, your husband only ever brought you flowers, sang you love songs and wooed you with his handsome face…..if the dog never barfed on the carpet and the cats never dug up your flower beds,  if your daughter never yelled at you and your son always helped with his laundry…..if there was always money in the bank and food in the fridge, if you got a tropical vacation at least once a year and your business always made money……..if Grandma never died and Mom never got cancer, if Dad never divorced Mom and your sister still talked to you……….where would there be room for God in your life?  Seriously~ if you never had NEED of Him…where would He be?   We may not like the methods…..but there is a purpose…….stripped, broken and hurting……we come to the feet of Jesus and in His presence is where we daily live. But only by His grace and mercy.  Because HE, beaten, stripped and broken had the courage to face what we cannot.  And sometimes I cry…but it’s okay.  Because He cries with me.                                                                                                                                                   Check out this video…it’s so good:       Sometimes I Cry                                                                                                                                                                                                   

How can I pray….

I know what my needs are. They’re right in front of me.  Some days there’s too many to count.  I tend to stop by the 10th item and just say , “Lord, you know. ”   And He does.  But that doesn’t mean that I should stop praying.   But you know, sometimes praying for yourself seems, well, selfish.  Does that make sense?  I need….. I want….Could you…..Please…..ya, it’s all so self-focused.

Tonight, I’d like to pray for you.  What are your needs?  As bad as my life seems some days, I have to say that we are blessed people.  We have our health.  My kids are self-sufficient and independent individuals.  We live with freedom to speak and write, attend school and church, visit family and friends….it’s all good.

But I know that many of you are struggling.  Jobs are being lost, bills are going unpaid, children are sick and injured, parents are dying, husbands are drinking too much, wives are depressed.  There is so much need.  And we are all here to hold up each other.  We are here to support, encourage, bless and pray.  Pray.  Just pray.  Sometimes knowing that someone else is sharing the burden is all that is needed to lift your spirits.

And so, I ask, if there is anything at all that I can pray for you.  You don’t even have to tell me specifically~ thankfully, the Lord already knows.  But He asks us to partner with Him~ to mobilize His hand of healing and help.

And as I pray and as you pray…..we will believe together in faith that what comes next is an answer.  It may not be the answer you or I want or expect, but there will be an answer.  And it will be good.  Because God is good.  This, I believe with all my heart.  A good God who hears and answers our prayers is waiting.

When LOVE takes hold Part 2: The principle of the promise

Yesterday  I posted about a supernatural match made in Heaven~ the beginnings of a life long relationship between two people who have waited their entire adult lives for God to give them that one special person with whom they could spend their lives.  People keep asking me if I’m a matchmaker and can I “hook them up” with someone.  Ha! First of all the term “hook up” makes me barf in my mouth a bit and secondly, I have no matchmaking skills whatsoever.

On that night, when Jenna asked me if I knew of a single guy in his late 30′s…..well, let’s just say that her reputation preceded her.  And not only her, but the potential guy and girl….their reputations preceded them as well.

Let me explain:   When I was 19 and starting out on my dating journey with my now husband, I was not looking for recreational dating fun. I was looking for my life’s mate.  I was looking for a husband. Even at a young age, the method and course of dating mattered to me.  They should matter to everyone.

My love penned a note to me which he left on my car windshield. He was very intentional about wording and where it would lead.  It was a significant moment in our lives. It was the beginning of our journey together.  I’m not saying every guy should write a girl a note to ask her out, but I am saying that there needs to be more intentionality and purpose when a guy asks a girl out.  And no, the purpose should not be to get into her pants.

It sickens and saddens me that this generation(and a couple before) have looked upon dating as a superficial means to a superficial end.    Typically, there are girls and guys on any  given night of the week “hooking up” for the first and last time with people they barely know and have no intention of ever getting to know.  The disregard for feelings and emotions is a big reason why dating has become a joke and marriages are grounded on little more than sex.

When someone sets their mind and their heart on the things of God and pursues His plan, they are building their reputation.  You can want to date, dream about finding “the one”, drool over wedding magazines(I did), plan that perfect day, look for a guy, hunt for a girl~ you can do it all  and still keep yourself pure and your mind set on God’s plan.  God’s plan may not be for you to fall in love at 19 or 25 or even 35.  God’s plan may involve years or even decades of trusting Him with your future.  It’s not easy.  I haven’t done it but I have seen some who have.  We live in a world bombarded by the free and easy way of life~ if you want it, just do it.  If you crave it, have it.  If you dream it, live it.    But that’s usually not God’s way.  God’s way is the way of Moses and the Israelites: 40 years roaming around the desert.   God’s way is Abraham and Sarah~ having their first baby in their 90′s.  God’s way is Mary and Joseph~ a virgin birth, an unmarried mother to be, an outcast couple.   God’s way is Paul in prison~ still preaching Jesus, boasting in His Saviour, not complaining.

Back to our couple and Jenna, the matchmaker(and me).  I knew it was more than a random coincidence and more than just a chance that these two would work out. Why? Because Jenna seeks her Lord.   I’ve known that about her for years~ she asks God and she listens….and waits for His answers.  I’ve experienced and witnessed first hand her convictions.  She reads the Word, believes the Word and receives the Word.   So, when she told me that this girl was one in a million, I whole heartedly trusted her.

And both Donna and David’s reputations have preceded them as well~ loyal, Godly, trustworthy, servant-hearted, pure, seekers of God~ not seekers of self.   And not only that, but anyone and everyone who knows these two affirms and confirms their reputations time and time again.  Consistency.  That is key.  When you follow God and the principles that He has laid out in His word all that can follow is blessings.  Because that is His promise.   God’s word is full of promises.

Today, as I talked to David and heard his heart.  He was clearly fumbling for the words to express how he knew that God was the author and perfecter of this love story.  There are no words.  How can words even begin to describe a love story that began years ago? A prophecy given to a friend for her friend,  a confirmation and ultimately the intangible dream becoming the tangible, touchable reality.  It doesn’t make sense to our human minds.  It is not “conventional” .  It is not what we have come to believe as “traditional”.  The mockers and scoffers have already come out to play but their noise is being drowned out by the peace that passes all understanding.  The gentle, guiding hand of the Creator of Love is crafting an amazing love story.  It is incredible.

The promises of God:

Psalm 37:3

Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
⁴ Take delight in the LORD,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

⁵ Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:
⁶ He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
your vindication like the noonday sun.

⁷ Be still before the LORD
and wait patiently for him;

Matthew 6:33

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Proverbs 3:

My son, do not forget my teaching,
but keep my commands in your heart,
² for they will prolong your life many years
and bring you peace and prosperity.

³ Let love and faithfulness never leave you;
bind them around your neck,
write them on the tablet of your heart.
⁴ Then you will win favor and a good name
in the sight of God and man.

⁵ Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
⁶ in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.

⁷ Do not be wise in your own eyes;
fear the LORD and shun evil.
⁸ This will bring health to your body
and nourishment to your bones.

 

 

Love Awakened

Under the snow and the hard frozen ground…there are seeds and roots….ready to push through.  They lie in wait through the fall and winter.  Waiting, waiting….for when the earth is warm enough to receive them.

Isn’t it appropriate that Easter is in the spring?  The death of Christ, harsh and cold.  3 days in the ground, buried, dead.  Waiting, waiting….to burst through that rock ALIVE!  Even now, He is waiting~ still~ waiting for the earth to receive Him.  When will we be warm enough to receive His love?  When will we awaken from death and dread?  When will the soil of our hearts be fertile and ready for growth?  Love awakens in the spring.

20 years ago I was 1 month into a new relationship.  But I knew what I knew.  I didn’t need a calendar to tell me when it had been long enough of the hand holding.   Long enough of the tender moments, talking, sharing, growing.  I didn’t need someone’s permission that “now” is the time.  When love blooms, it does so because LOVE is ready.

I remember the phone call. It was late April and we had been dating maybe only 5 or 6 weeks.  He was out of town and I was always waiting for his phone call each night.  It was all we had those first few months~ waiting for the phone. No e-mail, no texting, no cell phones.  I waited till he was off work and my schedule would be cleared to wait.    He called and we chatted as we always did.  Each time, the soil getting warmer.  Each time, our hearts getting bigger.  How do you know when you’re ready to receive love? How do you know when you’re ready to give it?   You just do.  ”I love you”.  I was surprised~ “I love you, too.”…….*sigh*  There.  That’s it.  When you know, you just do.

 

 

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Standing in the Storm

This past summer we had a series of storms blow through our area that had me running with my camera each and every time.  I posted a few photos on Facebook of the incredible skies but in actuality I have hundreds more.   I couldn’t believe the cloud configurations and the way the storms would blow in so quickly.  It was truly amazing and inspiring. 

On one particular evening, I noticed the sky darken to the north and west but it still left some light for the sun to set.  I found myself standing in the middle of the yard, surrounded by clouds, lightning, storms from every direction and yet I was unable to move to safety.  Someone had told me how dangerous it is to be out in such a storm especially when the lightning is flashing all around but in this moment I did not care.  God’s handiwork was before me and I was not about to miss it.   So with camera in hand, I stood in the rain and the wind for over an hour and captured as many shots as I could.  In between snapshots I took in the smell of the rain, the coolness of the wind and the visible awesomeness of THE ARTIST painting HIS canvas. I have never felt more alive than I did in that moment.

I now find myself in the midst of another storm.  The clouds of doubt have gathered around our family.   The bolts of fear crack at my spirit and the rain of tears have threatened to send me for cover.   But in the midst of all of the craziness I am still standing. It is both awful and awesome, both scary and inspiring and I cannot help but stand and watch as The Artist of my soul once again creates a masterpiece.  It isn’t that I’m enjoying this particular exercise in patience but I know that what will come out of it will be beautiful.  

Some people find thunderstorms downright scary.   But they don’t know the Scientist behind the science.   I am fully aware that there are scientific explanations for why the clouds form the way they do and why the lightning cracks across the sky with such fierceness.   But I am also aware that God controls it all; the weather, the sky, the earth and everything in it.   So, as I stand in this storm I have peace.   Peace that passes all understanding because HE is God and He has the entire canvas of my life in His very capable hands.   He sees the beginning, the middle and the end and He knows what has to happen now for the next phase to begin. 

“With Jesus in the boat you can smile at the storm….”

~ a little song we used to sing in Kids’ Club years ago~

I’d rather be with Jesus IN the storm than on dry land without Him.

~”as we go sailing home…….”

Feeling Used

I want to be careful how I word this and I want there to be clarity in understanding what I’m about to say.

****DEEP BREATH****

I’m being used.  I think I realized it a while ago; probably years ago.  Sometimes when someone uses you , you choose to let it go and understand that we all get used by people we love at different times.   My kids use me to get clothes they like, slurpees after school and extra TV time.  They promise me good behaviour and clean rooms, folded laundry and finished dishes.   My husband uses me…..well duh.  He’s a man.  Actually, when he uses me I know he loves me. It’s all good.

But recently I’ve noticed that I’m being used in a way that I never really saw coming or expected.  I started this little blog to keep some family updated on what we were doing and to find a place to lay my worries out so that I could step back and get perspective.   And then it started.  At first it was an e-mail.  Then there were phone calls.  Soon there was pressure and encouragement but also a lot of  fear.   I’m being used for someone else’s purposes.  My experiences are being fueled in order to get more out of me.   Just when I think our lives will become mundane and boring again, something else happens and I HAVE to tell someone.  I have to tell you.  And you, well YOU  know who you are.  You are feeling pulled.  YOU are discovering that your life is maybe not just all about YOU and what YOU choose.  YOU are finding that there is something more, bigger,deeper.   YOU are being called. Yes, YOU.  YOU know it’s happening because YOU’ve been fighting it but YOU can’t fight it anymore.  YOU need to give in and give up.  YOU need to hold on.  But who are YOU holding on to?  Your bank account?  Your husband? Your kids?  Your house? Your job?   Sorry, but those things aren’t going to help you now.  When I posted earlier about Finding Faith it was because it’s not only me who is finding the faith to carry on.  It is you.  YOU too are finding that faith goes beyond your front door and beyond what you always thought it was.  It’s not about where you go to church or who your pastor is.  It’s not about how big your Bible is or how many Bible studies you attend.  It’s not about your morals or your lack of morals.  It’s not about whether you smoke or don’t, drink or not.   Faith is bigger than all of that.  Faith is God’s way of getting your attention.  If you have nothing to worry about, no bills to pay, no sick child, no troubled marriage and no tormented spirit then how will God get you to listen?   How will He get you to seek Him and find Him?   YOU needed a wake up call and He’s been calling for a long, long time but you haven’t been listening.  Or maybe, you’ve just chosen to ignore Him.  But now you can’t because you know God never gives up.

He’s not giving up because HE wants to use YOU too.  YOU have been given gifts, insights, talents and passions.  YOU have been blessed and now it’s YOUR turn to bless someone else.  If God can use me and this blog, then He can use you and your gifts too.

Yes, I’ve been used.  God is using me.  My troubles are momentary.  They won’t break me.  Even if I’m financially broke, I’ll be fine.  If one person becomes free from the bondage of their guilt, their pain or their ignorance then it’s all worth it.  If one person finds out that Jesus is real and that HE cares, then bring it on!   I will gladly be used.   In fact, I love being used.  Lord, use me.