Something Worth Waiting For

This week my baby turns 13 one day and the day after that my husband and I will celebrate 21years of marital….ummm….marital peace. I can’t really say bliss because there have been a lot of moments full of non-bliss. We love each other more today than we did then and we respect each other on a whole new level. But we still argue and fight and disagree. And we’ve both learned to wait for the other through the dark times. Waiting.

Every mother will tell you that the character building trait of note is patience. She will also be the first to tell you that it is the thing most fleeting; the most elusive of all motherly traits.

We spend our lives waiting and learning how to do it well. And also learning how to maximize or completely waste the wait.

Waiting.

I have waited to be born and to give birth.

I have waited to go to school and to finish school.

I have waited to find love and to give love.

I have waited for good news and I have waited for bad news.

I have waited to be considered and to be valued.

I have waited in darkness and in light.

I have waited in anticipation and in dread.

Waiting has changed me and it has burdened me.

Waiting is so hard to do but one of the few things that brings the greatest rewards.

When you were a baby, you made your parents wait for you. Either in the process of conception, birth or firsts of many kinds.

You waited to be fed, burped, changed and loved.

As you grew you waited to learn, to read, to count, to write. You waited for brothers and sisters, for mom and for dad.  You waited to go to school and to ride a bike. You waited for something every single day. And while you were waiting you were bored, lonely, scared, frustrated and maybe even angry. But you always waited with expectation.

We wait because we know that something is going to happen. And we know it will either be worth the wait or it will be dreaded and reviled but it will happen nonetheless.

Small children would seem to be the worst at waiting. But I would suggest that they actually wait well and have something to teach us all.

Consider this: A preschooler wants to eat but supper isn’t ready. You tell him to wait and although he may protest, he goes and finds something to do while he waits. Distraction.

A baby is hungry. What do you do? You shake the rattle, stuff the soother in her mouth, rock her, play peek-a-boo. Distraction.

A 6 year old is waiting for Daddy to come home. He asks every 15 seconds when the blessed event will happen. He pulls on your shirt. He whines and complains. None of that sounds like patient waiting but you give him a puzzle, a game, a coloring book. You get him to help you with supper. He is now….DISTRACTED.

Distraction doesn’t mean you forget what you’re waiting for. Distraction is simply the art of waiting well. If you’re going to wait, be productive. Get something done. Occupy your mind.

Isn’t it interesting how adults dread waiting but young children only wait for the good stuff?

Really. Let me rephrase that. Children don’t wait for bad news or negative outcomes. They don’t wait to be spanked or disciplined. They don’t anticipate the bad. They only wait for the good. When was the last time a child waited to be held back, pushed aside, disappointed or ashamed? Never. Children don’t wait for the negative. They only wait in anticipation for a reward. They wait for the HOPE of what is to come. Even if it never does, they still wait in baited wonder for what lies ahead.

Somewhere in the teen years we fail to wait in wonder. We miss out on the art of distraction~the preoccupation of anticipation is something we find juvenile and elementary so we trade it for  fast-food, empty, hollow instant gratification that only satisfies for a little while.  What would happen if we made ourselves wait in wonder?

Perhaps this is one of the failures of our generation. The lack of waiting.

My kids are growing up faster than I can blink. My baby will be 13 this week and now that thing we’ve been talking about for more than a decade is happening: Four kids~all teens….at the same time. 13-18. That might make some run screaming for the hills;Some days I cry because we’re done waiting for the growing up~it’s here. We talk a lot about boys(3 daughters will do that to you) . We talk a lot about the future and what our family might look like in 5 or 10 years. We anticipate weddings and babies and gatherings.  It’s a fun time. But for now we’re all just waiting. And that’s just fine with me.

I remember being 17 and wondering when I would find someone to share my life with. I know. 17. Whatever. And yet, that’s what happens. We dream and create a fantasy of what we think we want and what we wish we had. We get impatient. We CAN. NOT. WAIT. Well, that’s what I thought anyway. But I did wait. I finished school, got a job, made some new friends, bought a car, got involved in church ministry, continued to live my life.  I am not saying I waited well. In fact those who know me from that time might say I was completely in love with being in love. It’s kind of pathetic thinking back on that now. The obsession to be in a relationship is a very real ((problem)) for millions of teens every single day in this country. They walk around with their heads in the clouds and tripping over the daily grind.  I used to buy brides magazines. Today, my 14 year old is Pinning a wedding board on Pinterest. I know~don’t even get me started.

But this is how we wait. We are like the preschooler who can’t have a snack yet~we want it now and we’re miserable but we can be distracted fairly easily. And that’s okay. As long as we keep waiting.

The lessons we learned at 3 and 6 and 10 are all worthy of remembering when we’re 15 and 17 and 21. Waiting means something good is going to happen. The longer we wait , the better the reward.  You don’t enjoy the cookie that you can have right now as much as you enjoy the cookie that you’ve had to wait in anticipation for over the course of hours or days. You don’t savour the chocolate bar that is at your fingertips in the store nearly as much as the cheesecake you bake at home. You never appreciate the job that you get on the spot as much as the one you wait for , research, apply 3 times for.

Waiting makes you appreciate the process.

Waiting teaches you the value of what you have and what you’ll get.

Waiting also teaches you that life will often make you wait again.

Perhaps you’re waiting to find that special someone. Maybe you’ve been waiting a very long time~years, decades.

For every married man or woman who has had to wait months or even years to be intimate with their spouse~maybe because of illness, relationship struggles, the mundane trudging of raising kids and going to work or any other unforeseen adventure~waiting is something you HAVE to do in marriage. You will wait for your spouse to feel good. You will wait for them to want you. You will wait to be loved. You will wait to be touched. YOU. WILL. WAIT. Waiting is at the top of the 3 most important things you will ever do in your marriage along with commit and compromise.

So, teenagers and young people who are waiting. Waiting and hoping. Dreaming and waiting. Waiting and floundering~ continue to wait. Distract yourself if you must. Work, laugh, eat, socialize, make friends, go places, do things, be scared, cry, fidget, waste money, save money, engage yourself in wonder and wait. DON’T give in to the expectation that the world has laid out for you: jumping from one relationship to another, never waiting for something special, ditching one relationship because you’re bored and rushing into the next, sleeping with any or all of your prospects only to find that none of them will be there for the long haul….

If you want to be the very best spouse; if you want to have the very best love~wait for it. And while you wait , remember what it’s like to anticipate because those who wait well appreciate what they’ve waited for, far more than those who have never had to wait at all. 

So what are you waiting for? Watch this…..

He Just Wanted To Kiss Me

I have no idea how this happened.

I don’t know where I’ve been that this day has come so quickly and without warning.  I sometimes wonder if I’ve been in some sort of coma for half of the past two decades. I simply cannot believe that we are here:  our 20th Wedding Anniversary.

Yes, 20 years.

When I first started dating my husband he had forever in his eyes and it scared the crap out of me.  I had no idea how to handle the emotions and the thrill of having a man focused entirely on me….and my lips.  Yes, he just wanted to kiss me.   I didn’t let him…at first.  I had never been kissed.  I was 19, almost 20 and no man had ever kissed me on the lips. And I was scared.  What if I had fish lips that went limp and slimy?  What if let him down?  What if he was disappointed?

If I never learned how to kiss I would

surely be an old maid forever.

(these are the irrational thoughts of a naive teenage girl with no “experience”) .

Well, he did kiss me.  He pretty much had to throw me down on the floor and plant one on my cold, hard lips. I’m sure it wasn’t enjoyable.  But he persisted.  And eventually, I loosened up. And then we couldn’t stop.  Kissing became thrilling and romantic; lovely and heart-pounding.

But that’s as far as we went….till our wedding.

On our wedding day, my love got to show off his love of my lips in front of all of our family and friends. And boy did he give them a show! I look back at it now  and think we were nuts.   I suggest people do the nice closed mouth lip lock for the nuptials and leave the  tonsil-hockey to other more private locations.  Not my man.  Oh no…once he got a hold of me I was at his mercy.  I think I had to shoot up the white-flag a couple of times just to come up for air.

Ahhh yes…..young love and immature kissing.  It’s one of the special things we’ve grown into and perfected over the years.

I’m thankful for a man that didn’t give up on an inexperienced young girl.

I’m thankful for 20 years of learning and loving together.

I’m thankful that our marriage isn’t all about kissing but it still gets my heart pounding every time.

And I’m still thankful that I waited for the ONE guy to be the ONLY guy to ever be the one to kiss this girl.

Happy Anniversary my sweet love.

If you like this post please read what I really think about marriage:  What Marriage is For

What Marriage is For

We, {He and I}, are in the 20th year of practicing marriage.  We practice daily and sometimes we fail miserably. But mostly, we’re getting better. Practice makes perfect and a perfect marriage is only a Heaven’s breath away.

I know that for many of you reading this, marriage isn’t fun or good or even desirable.  I also know that some of you have practiced, failed and given up.  And there are more of you who are trying it again with someone new.  I don’t claim to have the answers but I do know this: when marriage is practiced and learned and done God’s way, it works.  It works because it’s God’s plan.

Anyone can have a relationship.  Anyone can choose to love someone and be intimate with them. Relationships are easy to get and easy to leave. We friend people on Facebook and follow them on Twitter. We e-mail and text and call and write and all of it is great and none of it is special.  Relationships are a dime a dozen, sadly.  There’s nothing wrong with having 100 friends and there’s nothing wrong with only 1.

But marriage; marriage is sacred and holy and reserved seating only.  Marriage is for ONE.

When marriage is right and used to its fullest potential, there is only one and there will only ever be ONE.  That’s what marriage is for.

Regularly I read and hear news of some other state or country or province or group attempting to redefine marriage.  How do we, people, redefine what God himself created? How do we presume to take His most holy earthly relationship and cut it up, serve it out like pie and have everyone partake?  Marriage is not up for grabs. It is not on the market.  It is not entertaining takeover bids.  Marriage is non-negotiable.

And this is not the part where I get on a soapbox and talk about how homosexuals don’t deserve to be married or how polygamists should get their day in court.  Honestly, that is between them and God.  If a man chooses to have 4 wives and another man chooses to have one husband and yet another chooses to never marry but sleep with as many women as he can~none of that is about marriage. All of it is about morality and your relationship with God and your dishonor of His word and His holy matrimony.  To me it is a non-issue that states and governments spend so much time and effort on who should get to be married and who should not. Marriage is God’s.  And people make choices.  And choices are judged…by God, not man.

Marriage is more than rings and gowns.  It is more than bouquets and cake, bowties and bridesmaids.  Marriage is not a paper signed by witnesses or a  one day event we dress up to attend.  Marriage is bigger, deeper, stronger , fuller and richer than I can describe or live.

It is supernatural in its beginnings; that TWO individual people can be joined into ONE FLESH with the heartbeat of God at the very core of its existence. That is miraculous, inexplicable and mind-bending.

It simply cannot be discussed, renewed or lived out without God because He created the capacity for us to be able to live with the same person, only grow in love, for days,months, years and decades.

When the thank-you cards have all been sent and the dishes are dirty in the sink.  When bills pile up and someone needs to work and someone needs to sacrifice ….that’s what marriage is for.

When doctor visits make you cry and babies are born in the snowstorm late at night.  And sitting in that rocking chair all night makes you lose your mind and lose sleep….that’s what marriage is for.

When the dog pees on the carpet and the vacuum is plugged but the kids need food…that’s what marriage is for.

Two heads are better than one and two hearts can tackle a teenager better than one any day of the week. Two hands held tight in the storm make fear take the backseat to faith.

When words fall off the page and you can’t write or think or know what to do next….and he pulls up a chair and holds your hand and looks into your eyes and helps make that mess of words into something beautiful….that’s what marriage is for.

When you can’t stand him because he doesn’t get you and he walks away sad and lonely and defeated…….Marriage scoops  you both up and holds you until the words come out right and the heart is broken and humbly you crawl into each others’ waiting arms and start all over again.  THIS is what marriage is for.

Marriage is the safety net that catches you when you fall from the tightrope you’re on because you think you know what you want and then you fall because you had no  idea why you went out there to begin with.

Anyone can live together and make breakfast and babies.  Anyone can romance you when you’re fit and fertile.  But when pantyhose get replaced with sweatpants and a made up face gets replaced with dark circles and  the bra doesn’t fit like it used to……THAT’s what Marriage is for.

The beauty and the ugliness.  The sicknesses and screaming.  The laughing and the learning.   People give up to soon. Don’t give up.

When you get past the I wants and You shoulds and I wish.  When you learn to stay quiet and love through.  When you have patience and wait. When you give more than you take.  When you laugh more than you cry.  When your crying gets you a shoulder to cry on instead of a list of how to fix it.  When you can’t wait to see him at the end of the day and he wraps his arm around you even though your waist is wider than it was last year.  THIS.

THIS is what Marriage is for.

Day 4~ Remind Me

This post is for married folks. Not that unmarried folks can’t learn from it, just that you need to realize where it’s coming from and directed at.

For the past 2 months my husband has been working in a city 5 hours away. We see each other about once every 2 weeks for 2 days only. We will be celebrating the 20th anniversary of our engagement next week.  Married for 19 1/2 years….well, do I really need to tell you how our time together goes? The wonderful thing about being apart is that absence really does make the heart grow fonder.  When you are used to having your lover near you all the time; to chat, to listen, to love…you don’t realize how much you can miss them when they’re gone.  He is lonely. So am I.

Our marriage has not been easy. We have had weeks, months, even years where we just existed. Where we just functioned to raise our kids, put food on the table….maintain.  It really wasn’t much of anything but one thing we’ve always had is a deep commitment to working it out~ seeing it through. Even in our darkest days we always hoped, prayed and expected that we would remain a couple; as one.

{Holy matrimony is just that: Holy.  Sanctified, holy-fied , beautified….

flesh of my flesh and bone of my bones.}

It is supernatural, inexplicable and red-hot. (well, not always but hey, we can dream, right?).

If you are a married woman of less than 12 years let me tell you this..IT. GETS. BETTER.  Like WAY better.  Like, you have no idea how much better.  Those things that made you fall in love.  His touch, his look. The way he cups his hand in the small of your back. Those things are all still there.  Sometimes, you just have to be reminded. I’m all about romance.  And there’s nothing quite like a country song to put me in the mood.  Maybe you need a little reminder of why you fell in love and why it’s so good…when it’s so good.  Remind Me is my husband’s and my favourite new song. Whenever one of us is driving and hear it playing on the radio, we pull over and call or text each other…”remind me”….

Check out this blog from another one of the 31day series on Making Love….

Or this one on 31 days To Loving your Spouse.…

And one of my favorite bloggers, Ann Voskamp, has put it into words like only she can do: “like honey, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones”…

Marry your friend.

Today is the 19th anniversary of the most special day in the history of my life with my husband.  On April 18, 1992, in the chapel of the then Canadian Bible College in Regina, we said our vows and pledged our love forever and ever amen  in front of 200 of our closest family and friends.   We looked upon that day as a covenant between us and God~ and it still is.  When God makes a promise, He keeps it.

The past 19 years have been full of adventure, discovery, heartaches, sadness, laughter and pure joy.  It hasn’t been easy and it still isn’t.  But I can honestly say, it gets better.  I guess maybe you just learn to take the bad with the good.  You learn to let stuff go.  You learn to button up and put up.  Everything is not a battle worth waging.  These are tough lessons sometimes…especially for the bull-headed and obstinant(like me).

Here’s a few things we’ve learned:  

1.  Learn to laugh at everything.  I don’t know of any marriage that has made it to 10 years or more by being serious about every situation .  Even in the face of death, we’ve learned how to laugh.  And especially…laugh at each other and with each other~ we humans are a funny bunch so you just gotta laugh.

2.  Keep your private life private.  There is nothing more disturbing to me  than young marrieds complaining about their spouses all over Facebook and to their friends.  If you have a problem with your spouse, talk to your spouse or go to counseling.  You will only undermine your relationship with your spouse if you talk(or type) about them behind their back or in a public forum. 

3. Respect each other.  Hey, we all have an opinion. Sometimes we’re right and sometimes we’re not.  But regardless of the opinions, your spouse deserves your respect.  Go out of your way to honour him/her in public…you’ll be amazed at how much that does for your marriage.

4. Pray for your spouse.  Men, you have no idea what your wife goes through being housebound with kids all day or trying to manage work/home and school schedules.  Women, you have no idea how important it is for your husband to know you hear him and get him…he has the weight of your whole world on his shoulders.

5. Make sure your spouse FEELS loved.  I can’t tell you how many times the touch of my husband’s hand on mine or his hand on my back has meant the world to me~ just because I know he’s there.

6. Extend grace MORE than criticism.  Probably the hardest thing to do is refraining from complaining or pointing out faults.  But you gain more ground, and you’ll feel better if you just show kindness in spite of the circumstances and quietly clean up or fix up the issue on your own.

7. “Cleanliness is next to Godliness” is NOT in the Bible.  Be careful that your legalism and expectations don’t do more harm than good.  If your wife is messy before you get married, don’t expect her to change overnight for you.

8. If you want to talk, do it before 10 p.m.   I am guilty of trying to start too many “conversations” after 9 p.m. and getting myself all offended because my husband wasn’t in the mood to engage.  The fact is, that fatigue from the day is a really good reason to postpone serious discussions till another day. 

9.  Intimacy is as important as eating.  Close the bedroom door, turn up the music and give your spouse your full attention. Don’t worry about how tired you are or what you have on your to-do list~ your marriage and the bond between you and your spouse trumps all other activities. Period.

10. Make out in front of your kids.  Every kid should know that mom and dad value their relationship above all others. It’s also a great way to get them running away and leaving you two alone!