Treading Water

The past couple weeks I have found myself to be uncharacteristically agitated.  I say uncharacteristically because I really hate how I’ve been acting, but maybe my husband and kids think that I’ve been like this for a long time.  I have been frustrated, angry, emotional to a fault.  Life has dragged me down and threatened to knock me out.  The stresses of trying to sell our house, get settled for school this fall and find a balance in our hectic lives have all been too much to bear some days.   This past weekend I set out on a lengthy road trip to take one daughter to horse camp and 2 other daughters to go with Grandma for the week.  In all I have probably driven over 2000 kms in 3 days.  I actually don’t mind the driving and certainly the scenery has been a welcome change from the four walls of my house. But on Saturday when I left, I was crying.  Overwhelmed and frustrated I pulled out of the yard leaving my husband and my son wondering if I was having a nervous breakdown and if I was ever coming home.  So, I drove.  I listened to my girls chatter about their upcoming week; I listened to the radio, to their movie , to my own conversation in my mind.   Over and over again the thought hit me that I am just treading water.   I can see the shore ahead of me, safety.  I can see Jesus in the boat out in the middle of the lake.   But I can’t get to either.   I feel like I’ve been treading water for a while, not really moving forward and not drowning….yet.

I’m not supposed to be staying put.   And that is frustrating more than anything.   More than anything I want to always be moving towards Jesus and His will for my life.   I don’t want to settle for what the world thinks is best for me, what my friends and family think I should or should not do.  I want to be a risk-taker.     But right now, at this point in my life, I’m not moving at all.   It is in these times I realize how very little I am reading my Bible, how very little I am “praising in the storm”.  I’m just existing…..and treading water.

So, that was Saturday.

Sunday was better, a bit.  We had to get some shopping done and get Leslie to camp.  I flipped out…again.  So frustrating to not be able to take a bit of pressure and not cope well with it.   By the time we got to camp we were running over an hour behind.  Thankfully, the girls were realizing how fragile my emotions were and cooperated for the most part.   Another 3 hours and we were to meet up with my mom and get a good nights’ sleep before they left for Mom’s and I left for home.   Flat tire.  Honestly God, do you not think that I have had enough?   Stop.

Let’s look at the positives.  The flat tire came at the end of the day’s travel. Not on the road where we could have been stranded but actually in town, by our hotel. Thank God for small mercies, auto club and spare tires.   The next morning, I had a new tire put on and continued on my way. This time I was alone.  Time to crank up the radio.   I am so thankful for Christian stations.  We don’t have any here and all day I was able to listen to authors, speakers, preachers, and the Word.

Joyce Meyer: she’s a firecracker.  “If you hear nothing else in this message, hear this: God tests us, yes He does.  And He’s testing us to find out if we’ll pass.  If you’re going through trials, maybe the point is to find out how you behave in the midst of the storm.”  WHAM!   That hurts.   As she went on , I realized that I had not been behaving well.  If the point is for me as a Christian, to weather the storm well and to be a witness for those around me, well, then I have failed miserably.  Even worse, I’m probably going to be tested again.  Great.  This is where the studying comes in, I haven’t been.  And what do I always tell my kids?  Study well the first time so that you don’t have to do the test over again.

I drove, I pondered, I listened , I prayed.   At the end of the day on my last hour of this long journey, I was listening to my Robin Mark hymns cd.  I played this song over and over again.

Will your anchor hold in the storms of life,
When the clouds unfold their wings of strife?
When the strong tides lift and the cables strain,
Will your anchor drift, or firm remain?

Refrain

We have an anchor that keeps the soul
Steadfast and sure while the billows roll,
Fastened to the Rock which cannot move,
Grounded firm and deep in the Savior’s love.

Time for me to get an anchor  instead of treading water!

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