A good blogger knows when she(or he) must forego their own post in favor of something much more brilliantly written(or at least, that’s what I keep telling myself). So, today’s post is courtesy of my very talented friend Jenna. And as you read this, perhaps you will know why I or someone else has deleted you from FB….TMI, Offended, the one who sells things…
THE ONES ON FACEBOOK
I was reading a status update on facebook and thought to myself, “if people only knew that person by their status updates…” and that got me really thinking. About the different types of facebook posters and what people would think if all they knew about a person was what they posted in their status updates.
The One Who Drinks
You know the one…that girl or guy who only ever updates their status when there’s a party going on ’round here. Oh yes. There are drinks to be had and inappropriate pictures to follow. Usually involving several women with a lot of cleavage all piled around one very lucky guy, while making gangster poses with their hands and duck face with their mouths. Sooper hot. If all I knew about this person was what facebook tells me I’d think they need rehab. Stat.
The One With Kids
I know, I know. If all people knew about ME was what I posted on facebook they’d think I need to get a freaking life and stop being so absorbed in the many and varied bowel movements of my children. A night out with the drinker may be in order. The moms don’t care what people think though because our kids and their bowel movements are just so darn cute that we can’t help ourselves.
The One With All the Causes
The one with all the status updates that aren’t status updates at all, but rather links to various articles on their cause of choice or quote after quote after quote from their personal hero. If all I had to go on was facebook, I’d think this person has a serious God complex and might need some therapy. He or she may just need to spend some time with the mom and her kids to see that you can make a difference in a life one poopy diaper at a time. Diaper rash IS a cause people, especially if you’ve ever had a kid who had it for 2 years straight.
The Vague One
This one is one of my personal favorites. I hear people complaining about this type an awful lot. There is always some kind of personal crisis happening in the life of the vague one, or at least it sure seems that way. The problem is that those status updates are so exceptionally vague that it’s kind of hard to tell. Is she praying for things to work out because someone close to her is sick and dying, or because she really wants her personal favorite to get the rose on the Bachelor? If all I knew about this one is what she posts on facebook I’d think she’s in need of an awful lot of attention because those updates are a screaming invitation for all 237 of her friends to ask “what’s wrong?” Perhaps some time browsing the links posted by the activist is in order, so that Mr. Vaguebooker can get some perspective on what real problems are and stop pretending to have them.
The One With TMI
He has a carbunkle on his arse. She is waiting on the results of the paternity test. They may no longer be in a relationship because the carbunkle on his arse repulsed her so much she found someone new…for a night. It’s like a Jerry Springer episode playing out before all of their combined friends. Not unlike a car wreck, it’s hard to look away but at some point it just becomes so tragic you end up hiding them from your news feed. If all I knew about this person was what they posted on facebook, well I’d know everything about this person which is a whole lot more than I was hoping for. A lesson from the vague one may help with learning that it’s okay not to share everything. All the time.
The One With the “Effed” Up Life
The bus is late. FML. The kids wouldn’t sleep last night. FML. My dad won’t let me have my cell phone back. FML. These people clearly don’t value how exceptional their lives must be, because if the very worst thing they’ve got going on is a late bus, a flat tire, a crashed computer, no cell phone, hyper kids or some other total NON-problem they have got it pretty darned good. Based on facebook alone I’d assume this person needs to pull the silver spoon out of their a…mouth and/or get some prozac because life doesn’t get much better and they may need an upper to get through days with those real problems. This one obviously doesn’t have any TMI friends to teach them about real drama.
The Charmed One
The cynic in me loves this one to bits. Life is always fantastic. Unicorns and rainbows fall freely out of their behinds. Their husband/wife/parents/kids/job/boss/church/in-laws/friends are just the very best ever. Jesus is their Savior and Buddha is their homeboy. Life is just zen. Dude. If I didn’t know any better because all I had was facebook I’d wonder if this person sits around smoking good drugs all day, or maybe if they are a reformed TMI-er on prozac for reals, or possibly just so unable to be real about the ups and downs of life in appropriate ways that they overcomensate by putting on a show for the internet. Because we all know that the internet is full of the people who really matter. It makes me wonder what kind of skeletons are hiding behind that computer screen. Perhaps reading some of the FML posts might help these charmed people to be okay with the downs of life.
The One Who Sells Things
I almost feel bad for putting this one on the list but I can’t help myself. We all have friends who sell things. Those things for sale are usually very nice things worth taking a look at. But it’s just so impossible to buy all of those nice things and host parties for all of them because well, who can afford that? If all I knew about these ones came from their status updates I’d think they really, really like their product of choice. Alot. Like really. And you know, they’d probably do well selling to all the charmed ones, who just love everyone and everything in life. Untapped market, right there.
The Tragic Ones
There are those who are actually in the middle of truly difficult circumstances. I can’t even make fun. It’s too sad. I know a good counsellor and a good church, and I just want to hug this person while saying, “there there” and make them better. I’m being serious. I can do that. If all I knew about these people came from facebook I’d assume that nothing good has ever happened in their lives so they must surely be the unsung heroes of humanity. Perhaps a chat with the ones who sell things or even the ones with causes might help the tragic ones put their heroic powers to good use.
The Ones Who Are Offended
These are the ones who will wish there was a dislike button for this post. They cannot believe I’d include the tragic ones in a post like this. They wish I’d just come out and say which of these “ones” I think they are to their face. Because surely this entire tirade was written for them but I’m too much of a coward to say so, so I’ve got to shroud the one specific thing about them somewhere in a very long post. They are on to me. Facebook tells me that these ones are pretty self-absorbed because being offended that often, over that many things, is a little narcissistic. I would know. The tragic ones could probably soften the offended ones right up, and get them to do something more than be offended. Like take action?
The Ones Who Go Places
She’s at the mall. He’s at the movies. They’re on a date at their favorite restaurant. The kid is in the ER. The dog is at the vet. These people are a walking invitation for home invasion because the entire world knows when they’re not home, and how long they have to get in and out with all the best things. As far as I can tell from facebook, these people have busy lives and spend a lot of money on gasoline or bus fare. Next time they go out, they should call up an offended one and get their sour puss out from behind the computer screen to do something fun. Be on the lookout however for the ones who sell things – if that iPod you lost in your recent home invasion looks eerily similar to the one for sale on her eBay page or Kijiji post you might want to install an alarm system and not let people know when you won’t be home.
The Inspired Ones
Whatever the source, these people are a wellspring of motivation, positive thinking, inspiration and faith. They make everybody they are friends with want to be better at life. Their friends lists are miles long because everyone wants to know them or be known by them. Every one on facebook can learn something from these exceptional individuals. If facebook were all I had I would want to know these people in person because they make me want to be the change I wish to see in this world. There is nothing they could learn from any of the other ones on facebook because they are too busy imparting wisdom to all of us. It is not likely they would ever write such a note as this one because they wouldn’t want to offend anyone, as that would interrupt the process of inspiring them.
I know similar things to this have been written in various places on the internet. Any similiarities are 100% unintentional.
(c) copyright Jenna Pelias 2011