I’m not gonna lie: I’m disappointed. Big time. I’m actually disappointed that I’m SO disappointed. I thought my faith was stronger. Well, it is strong, just not strong enough to NOT be disappointed that I feel no further ahead in this journey than I was 5 months ago.
For a re-cap:
Our family moved from Alberta just over a year ago. It took the better part of 16 months to sell our Alberta acreage , all the while carrying another mortgage here in Saskatchewan. The job my husband had lined up fell through and trying to make a business thrive here on the open prairie proved to be a challenge we were not up for nor capable of doing. So, in the summer we made a decision to give up country living and move back to our roots in Regina. My husband got a job~ a good one and we were making plans to move. With our two oldest entering grades 11 and 12 we had to decide if they would start school here and move mid-way through the school year or start in the school they would finish in. We opted for choice number 2 but that came with the restrictions of housing, transportation and all of that. Here we are 3 months into the school year and one kid is living with my husband at my mom’s and another kid is living with a family from the school. It is not ideal but everyone has a bed and food.
The complications at this point are mounting. Stress is obvious on my husband’s face. He is very busy but trying to juggle his work with the kids’ school schedules and needs. He’s not used to all the running around and obligations that schools require of parents plus the added stresses of a daughter in competitive figure skating. These are all the things I typically look after and should be looking after. Which brings me to my stress: guilt.
Of all the emotions and feelings I thought I’d be dealing with, guilt was not on my radar. I feel guilt because I’m in my own home, with my own things, my own routines and space. I get to sleep in my own bed, cuddle with my dogs and cats, cook what I want when I want and watch whatever on TV whenever I feel like it. My husband and my kids can not. And they’re all showing signs of homesickness and worry about how long this is taking. I feel bad. And I’m disappointed. Disappointed that we didn’t take more time to walk through the what-ifs of not selling right away. Disappointed that as much as I trust God’s plan, I don’t like how He’s going about it. Disappointed that I can’t pray my way out of this situation or have enough faith to not be stressed or worried about it.
Disappointment happens more times than I care to share. In fact, I’ve stopped sharing with friends and family all of the times that we’ve been let down by people, let down by promises, let down by banks and lawyers and all of the things that should have been easy and over with but are still not over with. Disappointed. So , so disappointed.
And I don’t want to be but I am. How long will we wait? We don’t have a choice. We can’t buy until we sell. We can’t move until we sell. We can’t be a family until we sell. Everything hinges on selling and selling is not happening. I’ve had one showing in 4.5 months. ONE.
So here I am, in my own house, with my own things and I’m disappointed. I should be grateful. I should be thankful…and for some of it, I am. But it is with guilt and disappointment that I thank God that I am here and ask Him why I’m not there.
You see, I’m not perfect. And I can’t figure out all of this stuff of faith. Faith is a choice. I choose it. But it doesn’t come without sacrifice and a great amount of letting go. I’ve let go of “my plan”. My plan is out the window. It was out the window 3 months ago. My plans don’t matter. And that’s disappointing to me in my head but my heart understands that letting go and being disappointed are just the tools God uses to get me where He wants me: with nothing but Him to hold on to.
You might think that’s cruel and even heartless of God. But for all the times I’ve been disappointed, there’ve been more times that I’ve been given Grace, shown Mercy and Provided for….by that same God who disappoints.
And yet…..I know that I still believe. I believe because God, who promised Abraham that He would be the father of many generations, may take His time, but He always comes through. He always resolves the unresolved. He always redeems the unredeemed and He always answers…just not always right now. This is a season. And seasons come and go. If the Israelites can wander the desert for 40 years and still get to the Promised Land, then I can go for however many months it takes..and still have my home and family under one roof.
I am not alone. Disappointment is everywhere. In fact, this year, I’ve had more friends and family go through major disappointments than any other year I can remember. Mothers told that they cannot conceive another child because of disease, jobs taken from hard-working individuals with no warning and no compensation. Miscarriages and premature deliveries leaving families weeping at the graves of infants. Marriages crumbling, fathers dying, catastrophic injuries~ all setting families on new courses, new paths that they never anticipated, never planned for and have prayed desperately to be freed from. Disappointment. And yet, we all believe. Our problems are great but God is greater. And I cannot explain why I believe that or what keeps me going. I just do.
I just do.