Have you ever had to clean up a really big mess?? Like, I’m not talking about spilled Cheerios on the kitchen floor…I’m talking about flour dumped out, dogs and cats and kids walking through it all over the house, spaghetti sauce boiling over, a massive tornado hitting your play/toy room and then the baby gets a nasty case of gastrointestinal runs. Ya, have you ever been in THAT kind of mess?? I remember those days all too well and I’m thankful that we don’t deal with that anymore.
But there is a similar mess going on in my head these days. The mess of wanting things to just be peaceful and “normal’ but knowing that what I have is a disjointed, unscheduled mayhem of life dreams and goals that are waiting to be fulfilled and no where near coming into being. Every day I wake up determined to put my best foot forward and set my attitude in the right direction of getting out of this hole I’m in only to be distracted by what is.
What is…….my life is NOT how or where I wanted it to be. And that fact alone clogs up my brain and gets me to thinking ‘what if’ and “we should have” and “why can’t we ”……it’s a messy proposition anytime you start to second and third guess your choices and decisions.
On any given day I’m tossing between what to make for supper, why I’m breaking out so much, how I’m going to plan a graduation party for my son who is 5 hours away and what can I do to make this house sell. I go from wanting to bake a batch of cookies to just wanting to pack up everything and move to the Arctic Circle. I miss my friends and my family and I wish I was serving my church or community in some capacity. I am overwhelmed and underwhelmed all at the same time.
And I know that God is in the midst of the mess with me but sometimes He’s a little too quiet.
And then I remember. The times my kids were TOO quiet…was when they were the busiest. And so, I wait. And soon I hope to turn that corner and see what He’s been up to all along.
**side note for those wondering what I’ve been doing the last couple weeks….my dear Grandpa passed away on Friday night. He was not ill, he was just ready to go Home to Jesus. I’m so thankful for the visits we had and that I was able to sit and sing with him one last time. Tomorrow we celebrate his life and share our memories as a family once again.
I have been busy getting our house cleaned, painting and packing ….all in hopes that someone would come and buy it. And I wait.